Four Years...

Tomorrow is the eighteenth of April... The fourth anniversary of my mom's death.  She is so missed and so loved... there are times when I can't fight back my emotions... still... and wonder if that will ever change... My friend who recently asked me if I was in a dark place has shared with me that his mother, who recently observed the fortieth anniversary of her father's death, still struggles as the anniversary approaches and still gets very emotional... I guess that experiencing those strong emotions is not a bad thing... it is a way to feel some connection to the person lost...
Four years... much has happened... of course there has been profound sadness... but despite not believing at the time, that I would ever feel joy or see joy in my sister and in my father again, because how could joy exist amid such despair... but... I guess the human spirit is strong...and craves joy and happiness...
There are moments within that happiness that I am stopped short and feel guilt... guilt for being content and happy... for being so grateful for the new beginnings that have been given to me and to my family... that guilt is often short lived...rationalizing that Mom wanted us to be happy... to live life...
It is hard, on the anniversary of her death to think about anything but the sadness and anger I still feel about her death... about cancer... about how robbed I feel that my mother and best friend is no longer here... about how tortured Mom was and subsequently we were... about many things... but when I think about my mom... I am grateful that I do remember the good things... it took time to remember the good things... I remember her laugh.. her smile... the gift of kayaking that she shared with me and is such a huge part of me... her ability to look at things form different angles, to see shades of gray where others see black and white... how she thought of all of us as she was dying... how she made sure to tell us how she felt... how proud she was... how she wanted us to find happiness, wanted dad to once again find love...
So... tomorrow... I know my heart will be heavy... and I will probably be distant and distracted.... I will take time to remember her... for who she was as she lived her life, every day of her life, even the last days... where she mustered all her strength to smile at me as I held her head or her hand... she lived in a way that tried to bring joy to others... tried to comfort us...people who came in contact with her were happier after seeing her...
I love you Mom... Not a day goes by when I don't think about you, about losing you, and about how lucky I am to have had you in my life...