High Stakes...

Perhaps one of the biggest differences between my last job and this job is the fact that kids have to earn credits... to graduate.  At the middle school level kids got grades... often were given grades... and even if they didn't 'pass' the class, they were promoted to the next grade... There are reasons for that, solid reasons... the top of which is that kids who are 'retained' have a higher risk of dropping out of high school... At high school... kids have a set number of credits that must be 'earned' in order to walk across the stage and get their diploma... They have four years to get the credits they need.. for some, it is easy... for most it is a work in progress with a high likelihood of success... for others... well... it's a challenge... with many barriers that are difficult to overcome... whether those barriers are structural (What programs are available and interventions that are allowed), cultural (what is past practice and what politics are at play), or personal (poverty, mental illness, drugs, etc) students have to work hard to overcome them... some do it alone, all alone, and others are pushed over those barriers by many supportive hands...

One of my students is at a turning point...well I am sure there are many who are, but tonight I focus on one... I have worked with him a lot this year... he's... complicated... he's a kid for whom the stakes are high... he needs every credit he is enrolled in this year.. and at the midway point there are more barriers, mostly self imposed, than possibilities... and it has been  breaking my heart... well... at first it was breaking my heart... and then to be frank... I got frustrated...with him... with the parents who have enabled him and now expects him to suddenly, without any training, step up and fly solo and know how to control the plane... I kept trying to find a hook, something I could latch onto that would motivate him... and it has been hard... which is so incredibly frustrating to me... I have thought about this kid...debated about whether or not he needs/deserves rescuing or if he needs to crash and burn and then begin to rebuild... A recent incident resulted in an extended suspension... and as I watched his parents in my office in tears... as he told me he really didn't give a F#$&about any of it... part of me a selfish part of me... was so sick of dealing with him... dealing with him... dealing... a word that I often think about as having a negative connotation... dealing with something is putting up with something that is annoying because you have no choice but to tolerate it... and in that moment I was disappointed... because my frustration with him was more powerful than my desire to keep working to find a hook/solution...

Not long after they left my office there was a feeling of relief... knowing that for the next seven school days I did not have to wait to get a report that he had done something else... but inside my concern was growing... the dynamics between he and his parents... they in some ways have grown afraid of him... afraid of the choices he is making...and... I saw him circling the drain.   I sat with it for a few days... and in my head started thinking about a program in our school... a program drastically different than the program he has been in... a program that is self contained... where he would not have access to peers or areas of the school unsupervised... in my mind those parameters would limit his accessibility to the negative people and choices he has been drawn towards...and in my head... part of me thought about how that may reduce his visits to my office and... honestly, suck less of my time... but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was a good fit... and needed to see if I could get the family on board... and then him...

I called the parents and asked if I could meet with them..  Two of them (out of four) were able to come in... and I was relieved that it was the two key people I needed there... They came in.. and I took them to a conference room and told them that I wanted to meet with them, together, on a day on which their son had not been punished, without the parameters of a meeting like an IEP... (IEP meetings are the meetings held for students with disabilities where there are required participants, structure, and laws...)  I had a piece of large chart paper and colored markers... which those in education know are sometimes our go to tools when we are not 100% sure what else to do...

I divided the paper and at the top wrote strengths and at the bottom concerns/areas of need... together we listed characteristics in both categories... and the concerns outnumbered the strengths... and then I asked them to think about his education, all of his education, from kindergarten and tell me where he had success.  I was surprised at how hard this was for them... I had to ask a lot of questions... and at the root of his successes was the relationships he had with people...adults... and when I asked them to identify adults in his life with whom he now feels a connection, they were unable to do it... except for one of our social workers and said that they thought I was  one of those people until I was forced to lay down the law...

Then... I asked what they wanted for their child... and that list seemed to come more easily.

From there I reflected on the program in our school that I had thought about for him... and the more I talked with his parents the more I believed that this program is the best option for him... if he is going to graduate. I proposed an idea that we have one of the staff members from the program tutor their son for a few days... (I can't take credit for this idea... I had talked to the people in the program ahead of time, as I was mulling, and this staff member told me that he would like to work with this student because they have something in common...both are minorities... the student has struggled with this because he was adopted by two women and has not had a strong male role model of color in his life.  The staff member thought maybe they would connect and maybe he could help sell the program to this kid... When I proposed this idea to the parents they were excited, so excited they wanted to invite the man to their house for dinner... and they felt that, perhaps for the first time in a while, that there was hope.  Hope.   Before leaving my office I had the parents on board... they thought that if anything would save their son, this would... and recognize that if he 'messes up' at school again, he may be looking at an expulsion hearing...

It didn't take long before one of them changed their tune because the son didn't want to go into the program... said he wouldn't do it... and the parent asked me what other options we had... including cancelling the tutor with the staff member from the program....and I said, somewhat gently, that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing again and again and expecting different results... that if we bring this student back into school, in the same program he has been in, that my gut was telling me we would be setting him up to fail, setting him up to get in trouble again... setting him up to not graduate... and told her that I, in good conscience, could not agree that he should return to school with business as usual... and told her that I had already arranged the tutoring and that I wasn't able to change it..(A bit of a white lie) ... and... it worked.. in the moment... and the parent said she would make sure he went to the tutoring... which I had scheduled to be in the classroom where this program is located.. which is highly unusual, typically when kids are suspended, they are not allowed to set foot on school property, but I felt like he needed to see the space...

After one day of tutoring with this man... the student said he wants to work with him all the time... and today when I saw him before tutoring, saw something I have not seen in months, his smile... After the session I met with him and one of his parents and he said again, he wants to be in the program... and I believe him.  And I hold my breath, because, if it doesn't work... my credibility with this family is shot... their trust for me, down the drain... but it is worth the risk... if it gets him over the hump... This program is based on relationships... and I think this kid has burned many bridges and needs a clean slate, in a place where he believes he has a chance, where he believes that people believe in him......

This week decisions about his programming will be finalized... and I am nervous that something could cause it to blow up... but... my gut... my gut is telling me this is going to work... but... I am still crossing my fingers!