Take my hand...

I have never been good at keeping my mouth shut when I feel like someone I care about is in trouble... years ago one of my friends in college was going through a rough time... she was dating the same guy she had dated in high school.. and their relationship was filled with ups and downs.  Our sophomore year I had moved into a very tiny apartment with this friend and another girl.  Living together gives different insight to what someone goes through.  My friend and her boyfriend had another fight over the phone and again broke up... this break up was different though... not long after their phone call fight and break up had happened his mother called... She told us she had never seen her son so upset.  That he told her he was on the way to our apartment to take care of things... and she told us to call the police and to get out of the apartment.  My friend swore that he had never before been violent with her, but she was scared... so was I.  We called the police, both the campus police and the town police... who told us to stay put, that they would put out an APB for him and that they would do patrols around our apartment.  As it turned out as he was driving... about halfway to our place, he turned back and returned home.  And eventually, they got back together.  They stayed together with lots of fights and break ups... he sent roses to her after every fight which always won her back... until their last fight.  She was done with it all, finally.  We knew it was really over when she sent the roses back to him... and she stayed away from him... She made me and her other close friends promise that if she was in a situation like that again... we would tell her... and she promised she would listen... After that it was like she became alive... her spirit was feistier than I had ever seen her, she took no crap from anyone... demanded people respected her and those around her... she was strong, independent... it was like she had hatched from a cocoon in to a beautiful butterfly. 

She and I worked together in the summers after we graduated from college... as nannies.  While we were out one night after working... we met some guys... one of whom ended up becoming her boyfriend.  She began getting back into similar patterns as she had fallen into with her college boyfriend... and I told her I was worried about her... and she told me she was fine... the following summer, they were still together, and he became the third nanny working for the family we had been working for... and I got to see up close, how she was treated... how he treated her, how he treated the kids for whom w were caring... and I was scared for her... and eventually I confronted her and reminded her of the promises we had made in college... she looked so unhappy... I felt like my friend's spirit had been broken... like she was drowning in a pool and I could not reach her hand to save her... no matter how far I stretched...

We lost touch after that... she went on to marry this guy... and he continued to treat her badly... At one point our paths crossed and she looked sad... I told her if she ever needed me, I would be there, despite the distance that had come between us... a few years later she she contacted me... an email.. telling me I had been right... that she and her daughter were leaving him, getting a divorce... and she needed a friend.  I was there... told her it was not about me being right, but about her being okay.   We have been in touch since... and she is doing great...

As hard as that situation was for me... to watch my friend drowning without being able to stretch my arm to reach her... what I learned... is that the drowning person has a role... they have to reach out to those who want to help save them...

I have a friend... who is not yet drowning... he is treading water... debating whether or not he wants to sink or swim... believing, according to his plan early in life, that he would have already been sunk... so deep that nobody could save him... but while his head may not be above water... his nose and mouth are... a position in which  he as been very comfortable in for  most of his life, as he has said... he isn't quite reaching out... but in his own way, he is having people help him stay afloat.... and while I want to scoop him out of the water with a big ol' net... I know I just need to sit on the the side of the pool and wait for him to reach out...

when he does... I will be there... in the meantime... maybe I can poke a hole in the pool.. and let some of the water drip out...