Possibilities...

For as long as I can remember I have been someone others perceive as being an optimistic person. For the most part, I would agree with that. However, I am learning, about myself, that it is hard for me to trust that optimism.

It's not that I don't believe that good things can happen... I do, very much. And it's not that I don't believe that I am deserving of good things... I do... but... I am learning that I don't necessarily expect the good things to last. I think that the last few years, actually probably four or so... have taken a bit of a toll. When things seemed to be calming down, getting to a place where things were 'normal,' (yes I hate that word, but I just used it!) and then the bottom would fall out, leaving me to once again find my bearings and once again start finding balance and ways to cope.

So, for me, I guess there is some fear. Fear of believing in good things...because I am afraid of getting my hopes up and then getting the proverbial rug ripped out from underneath me.

I want to change that thinking... and have a little more... faith... in the universe, that good things happen to good people...

The events in recent years tested the faith that I had in any kind of religious icon... and while I have never been a person who considered herself religious, before all of the drama of the last few years I did explore my spirituality. Some of my blog readers may recall a book that I would reference from time to time, "Conversations with God." I read that book, reread that book, and would use it as a quick reference at times, when I was pondering various aspects of my life... and once in a while I would sit, closing my eyes, thinking about something about which I wanted direction or answers, and I would open the book to a random passage and read what was there... often times those passages would offer some clarity and others, would simply raise more questions... but I will admit, it was, the majority of the time, relevant. (But then again, knowing me, I know I can probably overthink anything into relevance!)

I don't remember exactly when, in Mom's illness, I stopped testing the spine of that book, when I stopped opening it... but I remember a point when it was a conscious decision. I remember, on one of many sleepless nights, turning on the light and looking at the book, wondering if it would offer any comfort, and remember seeing only the word "God" in the title... and deciding that, through her battle with cancer, "god" was anything but someone or something I wanted to thank, regard, or acknowledge. And it was a decision I made, knowing that my mom's faith, in god, never faltered.

After she died, I resented sentiments about her death being part of God's plan...that people were praying for her and our family... that because of God, she was no longer suffering... All of those things were irrational to me, watching what I still cannot fathom, any 'god' would allow to happen to anyone, especially my mother.

But...recently, in the last couple of months, I have found myself eyeing that book... and about three weeks ago, I took it off my bookshelf and opened it randomly, with no thoughts in my mind... and did not read any of the printed words, but took notice of the underlining I had done, the exclamation points I had added, the comments I write in the margins... and started pondering this whole faith thing... it resonated with me at one point...deeply.

For a long time I have kept faith and religion separate. Believing that I could have faith in things, people, ideas, without believing in a 'higher' power. But I have begun wondering how faith can exist without a belief in a higher power of some kind. God? Maybe. Maybe not. I think having faith means that you believe that something else is 'out there' willing to help or support one's efforts.

So I have yet to once again pick up the book 'Conversations with God'... but I think I will, and soon... One part of it's philosophy has been in my mind lately... the idea that there are two emotions in life, love and fear... To be honest, I have thought more about the fear aspect in the last week or so...

Most people know that I am a single woman...I have been pretty successful at being single... though typing that makes me wonder what exactly that really means... but... I have been pretty self sufficient, haven't lamented too often about my singleness... and have learned that imperative lesson that it is better to be happy alone than miserable with someone... I have had some relationships.... but none of them have been what I hoped a relationship would be... I have watched my friends have various experiences within their marriages, within their relationships, and within their dating adventures... and have been able to be the person who cheers everyone on, who is happy for everyone else...

As I went through the process of losing my mother, one of my best friends, there were times I wanted nothing more than to be held in the arms of a man that loved me...and was often lonely without those arms...looking back, however... during that time, I would not have been the partner in a relationship that I would have wanted to be. In a recent exchange with my sister we talked about how the last few years have been kind of a blur and we 'existed' through them... an image came to my mind of a jellyfish... feeling at times like there was a while world happening around me and I was kind of stagnant, jerking myself up once in a while, out of an instinct to survive... but that I really was numb for a while... This is what I wrote to her:

"I think things with Gramie getting sick, even, started things stopping if that makes sense... Mom getting sick made it worse... I kind of feel like those few years of my life are... like jellyfish... not solid...and take on different shapes... somewhat transparent, yet complicated... stinging... I have only recently (last 6 months or so) begun to feel like I am back... or I am me ... again... no longer in slow motion watching life happening around me..."

Looking back now... I realize that had I been in a relationship at that time, through all of that... I am not sure it would have survived... While many people who read my blog say I am articulate in my thoughts, there is a method to my writing. My words, on some level, spend time in my head long before they land here. Had I been in a relationship during mom's illness...and maybe even back to when my knee was so messed up and I was in so much pain I couldn't function... it would not have worked. Timing. Timing, I believe, is one of the main keys in a relationship's success or failure.

I have found myself in conversations with some of my single friends who are in the dating arena and have offered some advice that I have always turned my nose up at... that when you least expect it something will happen, that you have to be okay with being alone before you can be okay being with someone, that there is someone out there for you... and to my surprise, I have truly believed the words I was expressing.

Being single is something about my life I have always hoped would change... that I could file my taxes as a married person instead of single... that at my doctor's office I would have an emergency contact other than my father or sister (no offense Dad and Sis.) ... but I think I have also done well at not wallowing in it... in those hopes and often disappointments... but I have always wanted it... not for the checking of boxes or emergency contact, but because I was someone to spend my life with... a best friend...someone whose arms surround me in love and safety, and someone who finds the same in mine... and I am ready for it... and it scares me a little...

There is part of me that is nervous, if I dare to pursue something that I am excited, very excited about, will it somehow put things into jeopardy? Will it upset the perceived balance that has come to my life? (Even though the balance is not where I would want it to be...) And there it is... FEAR. Fear that I have a shot, a chance, at finding something REAL... and I worry about it being taken away... hmmm... taken away... wow... see there's one that has not been swirling around in my head.. it just arrived, just now... I have been mulling things over in my head.... worrying that something I want to move forward with might not move forward... but... what i just realized... is that what I am really afraid of is that it will be taken away...

Perhaps you may think that it's really just a matter of semantics... between something not working out and something being taken away.. but... it is very different in my mind. It's a control thing. If something doesn't work out, yet I have put effort into it, I can continue to move forward, just in another direction... if something (or someone)... is taken away... it is something for which there is no preparation...

I have no reason to believe that current happenings won't continue to evolve... but fear is present... and I need to eradicate that fear. I believe in possibilities... and if I have faith in fear and not in love, I will attract those things/circumstances I fear...

So... I am on a path to restore my faith... not sure where it will take me... I have begun looking at some churches even... although I am no where near ready to go to a church where credit for all things beautiful and rosey is given to god and where bad and evil things are rationalized as part of a plan created by that same god... but... I want to see what is out there...I want to see what a sense of community within a church is like...(considering a unitarian universalist place to start...whose philosophy it seems, is that prayer is offered through service to others...and accepts ALL) I may find that I still am unsure of whether or not a god could exist, I may go back to feeling more spiritual seeing 'god' in nature's beauty...maybe I will become more convinced than ever that I am just not a church person... and maybe I will find something new...

I do not want to choose fear over love... and will beleive that good things are happening and will continue to happen...

My Valentine...

I do have some sad news to report... My wonderful cat, Tess, recently became ill, and on Valentine's Day, I made the difficult decision to have her euthanized. She is the cat pictured as the top cat over on the right. I had her since the summer of 2000. Her kidneys, the vet said, seemed to be too small for her body. The vet suggested that we try to give her some medication and fluids to see if her cold like symptoms would suppress and she could survive longer... so I tried to nurse her back to health, including having to give her IV fluids at home for a few days. (Yes I had to jab her with a needle.) But she did not improve...and was not eating... and I could not let her suffer... She was a cat with a distinct personality... definitely my cat, not warming up to others well and no matter how hard he tried, she could never be befriended by my dad. She was the matriarch of my feline pride... and will be missed...

Those who know me well, can probably guess that it made me think a lot about my mother's death and how long she suffered... I know there is no comparison between losing my mother and losing one of my cats, obviously... but... there were some triggers that took me back to things with my mom...

Rest in Peace Miss Tess. Thanks for your love and comfort over the years.

Signs of hope...

I saw a robin recenlty. I was elated to see that red breasted bird flitting about in a tree still buried in snow. It means that spring is coming, a definite sign. It has been a long winter, lonnnng winter. I am not one of those Mainers who loves winter. I don't ski and prefer to be outside when the water is not frozen, when I can kayak.

I had some anxiety about how I would survive this winter... it is the first winter I have not coached in a long time. Coaching was something that helped me pass the time during winter; it helped me keep my mind off the fact it was so dark and cold around me. But I am happy to say that without coaching I have managed to not only survive, but have been able to live... Time that was consumed by practices and meets was used to finishe graduate work and spend time with the people in my life... of course there is never really enough time to spend with the people you love, but it has been nice to have more control over my time. I have wored on the tolls some, but not a lot.

This spring seems brighter to me than in recent years. I am graduating, from a program that I have been working on for what feels like, years and years. The truth is, I think it's been about a five year process... Five years seems like a long time to finish a masters... but there have been some bumps along this road...my knee, my grandmother's battle with cancer and death, and Mom's battle with cancer and death... okay, maybe those are more than just bumps along the way... I told my professor recently, that it is nice to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter and this time I KNOW that it's not a train coming at me!

With earning my masters degree I have decided that it is time for me to spread my wings a little more and loko for a new job. I love the work that I do with the kids... students with special needs have inspired me and will continue to do so as I transition into either a principal or assistant principal position. I firmly believe that what is good for kids with disabilities is good for all kids... meaning that tools/strategies that help kids who have disabilities can also help kids who are classified as 'normal'. As a leader of a school I look forward to being able to set the tone of an entire building, not just my calssroom. I am going to be very selective in the jobs for which I apply and accepting of a job that will hopefully be offered to me. I don't want to have a job as an administrator for the sake of having that role... I want to be in a place that is an incredible place for kids.

I feel.... do I dare to put this out there? Or will the universe use it against me to try to teach me yet one more lesson about the harshness of the world?..... I feel like good things are on the horizon... and this is definnitely a turning point for me... not just career-wise...