Possibilities...

For as long as I can remember I have been someone others perceive as being an optimistic person. For the most part, I would agree with that. However, I am learning, about myself, that it is hard for me to trust that optimism.

It's not that I don't believe that good things can happen... I do, very much. And it's not that I don't believe that I am deserving of good things... I do... but... I am learning that I don't necessarily expect the good things to last. I think that the last few years, actually probably four or so... have taken a bit of a toll. When things seemed to be calming down, getting to a place where things were 'normal,' (yes I hate that word, but I just used it!) and then the bottom would fall out, leaving me to once again find my bearings and once again start finding balance and ways to cope.

So, for me, I guess there is some fear. Fear of believing in good things...because I am afraid of getting my hopes up and then getting the proverbial rug ripped out from underneath me.

I want to change that thinking... and have a little more... faith... in the universe, that good things happen to good people...

The events in recent years tested the faith that I had in any kind of religious icon... and while I have never been a person who considered herself religious, before all of the drama of the last few years I did explore my spirituality. Some of my blog readers may recall a book that I would reference from time to time, "Conversations with God." I read that book, reread that book, and would use it as a quick reference at times, when I was pondering various aspects of my life... and once in a while I would sit, closing my eyes, thinking about something about which I wanted direction or answers, and I would open the book to a random passage and read what was there... often times those passages would offer some clarity and others, would simply raise more questions... but I will admit, it was, the majority of the time, relevant. (But then again, knowing me, I know I can probably overthink anything into relevance!)

I don't remember exactly when, in Mom's illness, I stopped testing the spine of that book, when I stopped opening it... but I remember a point when it was a conscious decision. I remember, on one of many sleepless nights, turning on the light and looking at the book, wondering if it would offer any comfort, and remember seeing only the word "God" in the title... and deciding that, through her battle with cancer, "god" was anything but someone or something I wanted to thank, regard, or acknowledge. And it was a decision I made, knowing that my mom's faith, in god, never faltered.

After she died, I resented sentiments about her death being part of God's plan...that people were praying for her and our family... that because of God, she was no longer suffering... All of those things were irrational to me, watching what I still cannot fathom, any 'god' would allow to happen to anyone, especially my mother.

But...recently, in the last couple of months, I have found myself eyeing that book... and about three weeks ago, I took it off my bookshelf and opened it randomly, with no thoughts in my mind... and did not read any of the printed words, but took notice of the underlining I had done, the exclamation points I had added, the comments I write in the margins... and started pondering this whole faith thing... it resonated with me at one point...deeply.

For a long time I have kept faith and religion separate. Believing that I could have faith in things, people, ideas, without believing in a 'higher' power. But I have begun wondering how faith can exist without a belief in a higher power of some kind. God? Maybe. Maybe not. I think having faith means that you believe that something else is 'out there' willing to help or support one's efforts.

So I have yet to once again pick up the book 'Conversations with God'... but I think I will, and soon... One part of it's philosophy has been in my mind lately... the idea that there are two emotions in life, love and fear... To be honest, I have thought more about the fear aspect in the last week or so...

Most people know that I am a single woman...I have been pretty successful at being single... though typing that makes me wonder what exactly that really means... but... I have been pretty self sufficient, haven't lamented too often about my singleness... and have learned that imperative lesson that it is better to be happy alone than miserable with someone... I have had some relationships.... but none of them have been what I hoped a relationship would be... I have watched my friends have various experiences within their marriages, within their relationships, and within their dating adventures... and have been able to be the person who cheers everyone on, who is happy for everyone else...

As I went through the process of losing my mother, one of my best friends, there were times I wanted nothing more than to be held in the arms of a man that loved me...and was often lonely without those arms...looking back, however... during that time, I would not have been the partner in a relationship that I would have wanted to be. In a recent exchange with my sister we talked about how the last few years have been kind of a blur and we 'existed' through them... an image came to my mind of a jellyfish... feeling at times like there was a while world happening around me and I was kind of stagnant, jerking myself up once in a while, out of an instinct to survive... but that I really was numb for a while... This is what I wrote to her:

"I think things with Gramie getting sick, even, started things stopping if that makes sense... Mom getting sick made it worse... I kind of feel like those few years of my life are... like jellyfish... not solid...and take on different shapes... somewhat transparent, yet complicated... stinging... I have only recently (last 6 months or so) begun to feel like I am back... or I am me ... again... no longer in slow motion watching life happening around me..."

Looking back now... I realize that had I been in a relationship at that time, through all of that... I am not sure it would have survived... While many people who read my blog say I am articulate in my thoughts, there is a method to my writing. My words, on some level, spend time in my head long before they land here. Had I been in a relationship during mom's illness...and maybe even back to when my knee was so messed up and I was in so much pain I couldn't function... it would not have worked. Timing. Timing, I believe, is one of the main keys in a relationship's success or failure.

I have found myself in conversations with some of my single friends who are in the dating arena and have offered some advice that I have always turned my nose up at... that when you least expect it something will happen, that you have to be okay with being alone before you can be okay being with someone, that there is someone out there for you... and to my surprise, I have truly believed the words I was expressing.

Being single is something about my life I have always hoped would change... that I could file my taxes as a married person instead of single... that at my doctor's office I would have an emergency contact other than my father or sister (no offense Dad and Sis.) ... but I think I have also done well at not wallowing in it... in those hopes and often disappointments... but I have always wanted it... not for the checking of boxes or emergency contact, but because I was someone to spend my life with... a best friend...someone whose arms surround me in love and safety, and someone who finds the same in mine... and I am ready for it... and it scares me a little...

There is part of me that is nervous, if I dare to pursue something that I am excited, very excited about, will it somehow put things into jeopardy? Will it upset the perceived balance that has come to my life? (Even though the balance is not where I would want it to be...) And there it is... FEAR. Fear that I have a shot, a chance, at finding something REAL... and I worry about it being taken away... hmmm... taken away... wow... see there's one that has not been swirling around in my head.. it just arrived, just now... I have been mulling things over in my head.... worrying that something I want to move forward with might not move forward... but... what i just realized... is that what I am really afraid of is that it will be taken away...

Perhaps you may think that it's really just a matter of semantics... between something not working out and something being taken away.. but... it is very different in my mind. It's a control thing. If something doesn't work out, yet I have put effort into it, I can continue to move forward, just in another direction... if something (or someone)... is taken away... it is something for which there is no preparation...

I have no reason to believe that current happenings won't continue to evolve... but fear is present... and I need to eradicate that fear. I believe in possibilities... and if I have faith in fear and not in love, I will attract those things/circumstances I fear...

So... I am on a path to restore my faith... not sure where it will take me... I have begun looking at some churches even... although I am no where near ready to go to a church where credit for all things beautiful and rosey is given to god and where bad and evil things are rationalized as part of a plan created by that same god... but... I want to see what is out there...I want to see what a sense of community within a church is like...(considering a unitarian universalist place to start...whose philosophy it seems, is that prayer is offered through service to others...and accepts ALL) I may find that I still am unsure of whether or not a god could exist, I may go back to feeling more spiritual seeing 'god' in nature's beauty...maybe I will become more convinced than ever that I am just not a church person... and maybe I will find something new...

I do not want to choose fear over love... and will beleive that good things are happening and will continue to happen...