They look like such strong hands...

Remember this guy? He is the Rockbiter, from the movie, The Neverending Story... In the movie "The Nothing" is destroying the land and all that inhabit it... as the nothing approached the Rockbiter he held on to everything trying to protect it from The Nothing... as the story's hero approaches, the Rockbiter is sitting, staring at his hands... and asks, "They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they?" And then goes on to describe how he had failed, for not being strong enough... even though The Nothing was an unstoppable force.... That image, of the defeated Rockbiter has been in my head today...

I have often felt inadequate... usually when there is a situation in which I can do nothing to help. The last few years have made me feel very inadequate... not being able to change things... feeling and being absolutely helpless... at the mercy of what was happening around me... Of course this includes my mother's death. There was absolutely nothing that I could do to stop what was happening... to alter it... and there was also nothing I could do to protect the people I love from the pain they were feeling. I hate it.

When I left my Dad's house yesterday, we got emotional and Dad said something he has said often when we have parted ways since mom got sick...to me and to my sister... he says, "I'm sorry." It's something that I think he feels the need to say... but in thinking about it on my way home yesterday and as I ran around today... I think there is a part of him that feels responsible... that he was in some way inadequate for not being able to jump in front of the bus for mom... for not being the hero he had always been to her... I've thought a lot about my dad in this process, ever since my mom got sick... my dad is the strongest man I know... in many ways. He has always taken care of our family, done things to make us all more comfortable... his role was always the problem solver, the handyman...who fixes things... I've thought about how he has lost his wife... his best friend... and haven't been able to even remotely understand what that must be like for him... I think of him, alone in that big house, and how he is there very day, without her... I have heard him say that he needed to get out for a while, needed to get away from it... but I haven't thought about whether or not Dad felt inadequate... Of course I don't see him in that light, as I am sure he doesn't see me that way... yet if I have felt feelings of being inadequate, I am sure he has as well...

I think he and I have been doing this dance, since mom died... we get together, talk about what we have done...what's going on... and avoid talking about mom's death or how much we miss her... if it does come up, we go way out around it and generalize what we are talking about... It's something that goes without saying, that we are missing her... and I think that we try to protect each other, we make ourselves suck it up when we are together and work really hard at being okay... I think being together is really good for us, but I also think it is hard because it puts mom's absence in the forefront of our minds... when I see Dad I am conscious that I see him without my mom... and I am sure there is a similar thought process for him... But I love being with my Dad... and know that I can't take his hurt away, his loneliness away... but I feel good being with him...

He apologizes for Mom getting sick, for her dying... as if he is trying to take ownership of it somehow... maybe to make sense of it... I want him to know it is not his fault...He did everything he could have possibly done to care for my mother... more than most people could ever have imagined needing to be done to take care of someone... today he emailed me, recognizing how much I miss my mom, how much that connection meant to me... and he said something about knowing that there is no way to replace my mom, but that he wants me to know he is there for me...

It makes me think that he saw my relationship to my mom as closer than my relationship to him... and somehow by me losing my mom, one of my best friends, has added to him feeling inadequate... my relationship with my mother was one of the most important relationships in my life... a Mother daughter relationship is ironically an inadequate way to describe our closeness... but... my relationship with my father is also one of the most important relationships in my life. My relationship with him is different than my relationship with my mom... always has been. As a little girl I loved being with him... fishing (even though I thought it was gross)... squashing potato bugs in the garden(also gross)... watching him pile wood and helping here and there... and even going with him to the dump... were all things I loved to do. I remember going on family trips, with Dad always at the wheel... I always felt safe with Dad driving... and still to this day, he is one of the few people, if not the only person who, when they are driving and I am a passenger, can truly relax... I knew if something got broken, dad would fix it, that he always looked out for my best interests... even if I didn't listen to him when he advised me to not jump rope with sandals on and still have the scar to prove it... When I got a little older and started playing sports it made my bond with my dad even stronger. He got the whole playing sports mentality... and when our team lost a game and I was really pissed off about it and my mom, in her cheery, sing songy voice, would tell me how great I had done... which was well intended, but not what I needed... Dad on the other hand would simply put his arm around me and give me a look... and I knew he got it... I knew he was proud of me, but knew that he understood me, as an athlete in a way my mom didn't. After high school... I worked in the same mill where Dad worked in the summers...and Dad looked out for me... and I knew that his protection extended beyond the reach of his long arms... My Dad has never been a man of many words... he has always been the strong silent type... but he has a side that is there, that many people see... a part of himself that I think he believes is less obvious than his other attributes... a side that is sensitive, caring... sentimental... and although he expresses it differently than my mom did, I have never, ever questioned his love for me or my love for him. I know when he asks if my truck is running alright, he is asking if the truck is running okay, but he is also making sure I am safe in my truck... when he asks how my friends are doing... he is asking how they are, but also asking about whether or not I have support...there are so many examples of my closeness with Dad... and I am sure he hasn't realized how much he did to foster our relationship over the years... He and I have a different relationship than I had with my mom, and that's how it is supposed to be... Daddy's little girls love the relationship they have with their Dad's... So Dad... you need not worry about replacing Mom... Just keep being my Dad... I love you!