ahhhhh...

Stressed...type type type... delete delete delete... type...delete... I don't even know what I want to write, but I feel like I need to write... there is lots on my head and I feel in some ways like I am going a million miles an hour, at least in my head... I have been eating badly, lots of carbs, lots of sugar... and I know that my food intake is related to not being able to work out like I want to, but if I am truly honest, it's probably a lot of the underlying stress that I am feeling.

Last year at this time, I was acutely aware of every noise around me... as I listened to my mother's breathing for signs of want or need and for proof or absence of life... I had been with my grandmother when she died and I knew my mom was getting closer and closer to the end of her life... and it sucked... it still sucks. I just went back in my blog and read the entries I made around this time last year and it brought it all back... of course it did... it's not that I had forgotten any of it... although I had forgotten that after my mom dies it was me that removed her wedding band and gave it to my dad... but other than that, all the details are very much in my mind... and those images still come to me as I try to fall asleep some nights. At the time I wrote about how I hoped to forget a lot of the details of those days... and I haven't. I don't think time heals all wounds... I think time allows wounds to close, healed or not healed... leaving scars...

I have really tried hard to avoid thinking about it, even though it has been very present on my back burner... it's there... steaming away...

I hate that my mom is gone. I hate that I can't hear her laugh...feel the comfort she always gave me... And... I don't want to talk to anyone about it.... I want to avoid it because it hasn't gotten easier... perhaps it's become something that is less shocking ... the fact that my mom is gone... but it hasn't gotten easier.

Now I have gone and gotten myself all worked up... and my stomach is all weird... yuck...