Easter

Aren't those eggs beautiful? I found that picture and had to post it today... it reminds me of India, of henna tattoos and the colors that I picture when I think of India...

I just brought up my blog and wanted to write a little bit, and I was attacked... by Lucy... one of my cats... she is a pretty quiet, keep to herself kind of girl, but when she decides she wants some affection... I better give it to her or she sits close to me and stares... or maybe that's staking... my other cats get on my lap and relax, not Lucy, she actively tries to get me to constantly be scratching behind her ear... so she rubs up against my hands, making typing a bit complicated... then, once she has gotten her quota of affection, she jumps down and runs off... Anyway... it is nice to have a morning where I can indulge her... this weekend has been nice because I didn't have track... the first time in a long time... and while I knew I had some things to get done, I wasn't on a set schedule. For two days in a row I woke up without an alarm...not sure when I last had that luxury.

After I woke up I had something to eat then had to get my facebook updates, to see what my friends were up to... and of course many of them are attending Easter services, Easter dinners, or having Easter egg hunts... Our family has never really been big on Easter... I mean, as a kid I got an Easter basket which always included a white chocolate bunny because that was my favorite... one of the things I remember most about Easter was getting this inflatable bunny chair... mine was a brown bunny... I don't remember if I liked it or not, but I remember it...

I never have understood Easter... I mean.... combining Christ with eggs and bunnies, and even chicks... I don't get it. I am not religious, but I have often considered myself a spiritual person - someone who feels closest to myself when I am enjoying nature and find serenity through that... I have never felt like I had a close relationship with "god" but often thought that the moments I feel so connected to nature is probably what a close relationship with god would feel like... during my life I have had times when I believed in god and times where I was very unsure about god's existence. I have perhaps felt more like believing in Mother Nature than god...

Easter brings that debate to the forefront of my mind. Easter is, apparently, one of the bigger holidays for Christians... I have never read the bible... and have no plans to do so. What I know about Christianity is from listening to other people who are religious... but there are so many subtle hypocrisies in the practices of people who are religious... that I have a hard time investing in it... do as I say not as I do, kind of things...many Christians claim that their religion accepts people as children of god, yet discriminate against people because of sexual orientation... believe in charity, yet ignore the homeless man on the street asking for help...claim to live lives thorough their savior, Jesus Christ, yet ignore people who don't seem relevant to their own priorities... there is a lot about religion I do not understand... and will admit, am ignorant about the 'rules' of religion... and my limited knowledge of Christianity is vast in comparison to my knowledge of other religions...

Some people in my life have 'found god,' have much faith, and attend church regularly. My mother was one of those people. My mother believed... in god, in god's will, and had more faith than anyone else I know. She and I had conversations about god, about her faith, and she would never push her beliefs on me, but would say that she hoped that I would one day find the peace that her faith gave her... and I believe that her faith did give her peace... looking into her eyes as she spoke about church, about god, about her beliefs... I could see her passion about it all but also the comfort and contentment it offered her. My mom loved to sing... as a kid I used to act all embarrassed by her songs...because she used to sing to my friends when they came over, but her songs, silly or serious, added to her character. And, my friends loved that about her... but as I got older and listened to my mother's songs, which became more and more hymns or music about faith... I appreciated it... she had a strong voice, and I wish that she had been more confident in her voice and would have joined the church choir... when she sang hymns, her connection to her faith was apparent, more real than any faith I have experienced.

Even as my mom's cancer began to have more strength than she did, she still believed... and offered comfort to her friends and often with reference to her faith... As her battle with cancer continued, I found myself believing less in god, something I was unsure of to begin with. To see all that my mom went through and what my dad went through... I couldn't and still don't understand where god was in all that... which makes me think of that iconic poem "Footprints"... you know the one, where two sets of footprints along a beach decreased to one, and the cynic says that's where god had abandoned him... and god says something about the intervals of one set of footprints was when god was carrying him... insinuating that I should believe that god was with my mom and my father more in those diffcult moments throughout mom's illness than in any others... I can't believe that, not having seen what I saw... and knowing that there were things my dad saw, when I wasn't around, that was worse than what I witnessed.... I just can't believe that god was there, even for part of it... how could god somehow be given credit for good things,the birth of healthy babies, yet blameless for bad things, someone disintegrating from cancer before the eyes of the people who love them most...

I am the cynic and I do not believe that my solo footprints are the results of god bearing my burdens when I was too weak to bear them myself. I am still angry about losing my mother. Yet there are times when I feel I have accepted it, but am not yet at peace with it... I try not to think about it, yet it is still there. Even in my cell phone... whenever I call my dad or he calls me, the stored number comes up as Mom and Dad calling... and I love and hate it all at the same time... love that I am reminded of my mon and dad as a unit, together... but hate it because I know that Dad is solo... and how hard it is for him. And then there is a part of me that wonders if I should edit my phone and have those numbers just say Dad, instead of mom and dad... but that feels wrong... I don't want to take my mom out of my life, any more than she has already been taken...

I am sure there are people in the world who have experienced or witnessed things that would compare to my mother's battle with cancer... some people have seen/experienced worse... and perhaps those people are/were still able to have faith through those difficult times or perhaps those moments were the catalyst for finding god... not for me.

I don't' remember Easter last year... and truth be told, I probably won't remember this one either... other than having this day make me question religion as much as devout people embrace it...