I'm still kickin'...

Sorry for the delays between posts...

Things are crazy... not necessarily more crazy than what they have been, but crazy. My thoughts have been very scattered so the idea of trying to write something cohesive has been a bit intimidating.... intimidating may be the wrong word, but I guess that my mind is pretty full, yet, I don't know where to begin.

I guess I can just start and see what happens... I went to see my parents last weekend. I drove up after my meets on Saturday and returned Sunday evening. It was a quick trip, but I am so glad I went. It's strange to me in some ways to say that I was happy to go...because there isn't really anything happy about it...seeing things as they are is depressing.... the only thing that I can see about any of this is the way my father is taking care of my mother. That is beautiful... While she rests he watches her and if she stirs he is ready to get up and meet whatever need she may have... which I suppose is nothing different than things were before cancer crept into their marriage. Dad has always been ready to take care of mom... and that has always been reciprocated... Together mom and dad have quite a routine that includes medicines, creams, sleeping, eating, and many other things that are a part of their day which are intimate of which I feel protective. I honestly don't know how my dad is doing all that he is doing....and doing it with patience and grace.

On my way to their house I was thinking about the last time I had been there... it was while mom was still in the hospital after her Dec. surgery. I had gone up there to try to get some things ready for their arrival... I remember when I got to the house I fell apart... don't think I have ever fallen apart that much before. I had heard about people having those moments but I hadn't truly experienced it like that... I cried so hard I threw up... I think maybe that's when my heart offiially broke over all of this. The funny part about a broken heart is that while you know when it breaks... you don't realize that the breaking part continues for a long time... my heart is still breaking about all of this.

Sleeping is difficult... waking up often in the night with thoughts that won't go away...oh, but... I will say that I have acquired a new skill... I can now cry without hyperventalating! This is a success for me because I've always been a hyperventilating cryer... but I can now cry softly, without the squished up, grimaced face... I can have my regular expressioned face and tears simply roll down my face... I used to see photos or movies of people crying calmly and I never understood it, never thought that truly portrayed real life, but it does. There are so many different ways to cry... all of which are exhausting and unfortunately all involve snot.

Speaking of sinus issues.. I have this cold thing that won't go away... I think that maybe it's because I am run down, but geesh... this thing is like hanging on... I haven't been to the gym in over a week... ugh.. not good.

What is good... is that I am staying very busy... I am finishing coaching my high school teams.... starting to coach the middle school teams...and have taken on the role of creating the programs for the middle school meets (which means some extra money, yahoo!), my online class has started... and yea I am still teaching too... and that's just the work side of things... busy is good... it keeps my mind occupied. It's the quiet times that are hard, so I am working hard to keep the volume up.

Through it all, my friends are great... I can't even describe what they all do for me, but I am fortunate. My pride makes it hard to accept some things from people, but...a wise friend has taught me that allowing people to help is giving them a gift.... recently some of my friends decided to rally the troops (friends) and help alleviate some financial burden that I may be feeling with the traveling back and forth to see my mom... I was overwhelmed with the gift... and it was hard for me to accept... because I just hope that nobody felt awkward about it... but.... it helps... it does... and I know people feel bad because they don't know how to help me... and this is something tangible people could do. But people are doing so much... without realizing it... people are supporting me... I love them all for that... and I love the people who were contacted and didn't do what they couldn't do... I love them just as much... because I wouldn't want someone's burden to be increased in order to lessen mine.

I also need to share here... that I am proud of my sister... for reasons I don't need to go into here... but she knows why...

So this post is all over the place... and it's not very uplifting.. but this is where I am at... one moment I am crying, the next I am working on track stuff, the next I am appreciating all my friends, then my nose is running again and a tear is strolling down my cheek... and I work hard to make some noise... so that I don't think... as much... but I am ok... I think... and that's what I will keep telling myself and everyone else who asks...

I'm ok...