2/21/2009

If I wrote a book...

Tonight I returned home after visiting with my parents for a few days. It had been a couple of weeks since I was there and things have changed...not drastically, but there are differences. Mom is weaker and Dad is even more tired. As horrible as it is I still find beauty in my parents relationship... I am truly in awe of how they interact. Dad is taking care of mom...without his care I don't know how mom would still be here.... he is AMAZING... and mom appreciates everything he does...and even in her exhausted state she thanks dad every time he gets her a fresh glass of water, takes her glasses off for her when she goes to sleep, and helps her in so many ways.... she always says thank you... The regard for each other is something I so admire and hope to have one day in a relationship.

I watched news stories this weekend about how our government is going to spend millions of dollars on a new campaign... teaching , or maybe re-teaching, our young Americans what marriage is about and how to make marriage last... The vows... in sickness and in health... is something that my parents could be the poster children for...Dad is loving mom through this sickness...and it's beautiful...as much as I hate it... it is beautiful... I do hope people who are considering marriage really think about those vows and what that means...and how truly sick someone may get...and you are either there for the long haul, or you're not. Either you're in or you're out...there's no middle ground. There are things that you may have to do for your husband or wife that you could never anticipate and may never think you would be capable of....

I watch my father do things for my mother... things that I am sure never entered his mind as possibilities, let alone realities. One of the things he does at least twice a day is emptying the fluid from the bags that are attached to the openings of mom's most recent incision. The fluid is coming out of her incision and doctors are not exactly sure what the fluid is... Its odor is terrible....and is unlike anything I have ever smelled....and using my olfactory analysis I have smelled some horrible things over the last few years....as my grandmother lost her battle with cancer and through mom's hospitalizations... there were many many odors...identifiable...but this is different... dad puts vicks under mom's nostrils when he empties the bags because the smell causes her to vomit if he doesn't. He does this without flinching, without reacting....again... he is amazing. I have a hard time not reacting when I smell it.. because it causes me to gag... That smell... I think it is cancer. I think the fluid is from the tumor.

If I ever write a book about what it is like to lose a parent to cancer... I think its title would be "I know what cancer smells like" and my book would have two heroes... my mom and my dad...

Of course I wish I could do something to change all of this... to take it away...to make it not exist...to make it somehow easier... but I can't...I am so glad I was able to visit them this week...and will head up again soon... I think it means a lot to them...for me to be there... and I know it means a lot to me...

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