Before 40

The process of buying a house is... well.. daunting...
to continue with the Ally McBeal theme from yesterday... one of the last episodes I watched last night was when Ally bough a house.. and there was a moment where she is defending her choice... to a friend who said something about buying a house was something people are supposed to do as a couple...well... obviously needing to have a husband is not a requirement for getting a mortgage... I have considered myself an independent woman for as long as I can remember... I dislike the women who play the damsel in distress role... but I had always envisioned buying a house with a husband...

In recent years a couple of my female friends have bought homes on their own... and I admired it... and started thinking about buying a place of my own... that's where the home ownership process begins... dreaming... I gave a lot of thought to what kind of home I would want to buy... and originally, I told myself that as a single woman, it would make most sense to buy a condo... a place where the grounds were kept... snow removed... but after renting a condo and seeing a bit of how the association is run and hearing other people who have had terrible experiences with condo associations...  and I fell in love with the idea of not sharing a wall with anyone... to not have to deal with parking issues... and to have a place to store my kayaks without having the association tell me I can't... so a stand alone home makes a better choice for me. 

So... I think I have mentioned that the process of buying a house is a sleepless one... at least for me... so many things to think about... so much responsibility... and the emotions of it all...

I was worried that undertaking this process would make me think more about being single... and it has.. but not in a bad way... I feel really proud that I am doing this, buying my home as a single woman...

It does make me emotional... to not have Mom here for it... I just think she would love this house... and I hope to have plenty of her touches there... and it's emotional for me when it comes to my dad as well... Dad is very generous and has helped me with this process and will continue to help me..... I have a Daddy do list in the works... When I talk to him about the house... I can tell he is proud of me... and I hope he loves the house... I hope he agrees that it is a great place for me...

I will be glad when the process is over... to move in... we have a few more steps to take to get there... but it will be here ... before I turn 40! 

Ally McBeal...

So this week has been school vacation week... and I did not take my nephews for the week as I have done the past couple of years.. I have been packing for my move, to my new house... and in between packing sessions I have been binge watching Ally McBeal... I didn't get into it when it aired on television, but I have one of the soundtracks and it is a mix of music that makes me smile and dance a little... As with many shows the theme of this one, not unlike sex in the city, is for the main character to find love... I am in the fourth season, in which Ally is 32... and she feels old and alone and her biological clock is ticking loudly...
One of the themes in recent episodes is that a huge part of choosing a life partner is whether or not you can see that person as being a great parent to your future children... I suppose that would be an important consideration... and I guess it is one that I have put on my list of qualities I would seek in someone... but... now? As I approach 40... the idea of having children... well... is still in my head somewhere, but more and more I think that I don't want to have kids... i love the idea of having a little adorable me running around... freckles and curly hair... but... I am not sure I see myself sitting at little league games... and there is some guilt that surrounds that because it is what society expects... but... I have a career I love, one that takes a lot of my energy... would I be a good parent if I came home after one of my long days and was emotionally unavailable to my own child? Probably not...

And it is scary to put it out there... because what if the man I meet, if I meet THE man... what if he has kids? Well... chances are his children would be older... more independent... and I am sure that if he has younger children I would fall in love with them and would then feel differently about little league...

I love being an aunt... and would have been a great mom, had that opportunity been given to me... and I could still have a baby, probably... but... it doesn't have that same appeal it used to... and adoption would be something I would consider.. but not now... I have other things to think about, to do... and I am selfish... I like being able to take off to go to NYC for a weekend... without arranging child care... I know it would be different if it was my own kids, but... as I look forward in my life... I see my house, making it my own... having lots of people over, having it be a place where people congregate... and I see myself filling it with photos of my travels...

As I watch Ally McBeal search for love... watch her have her heart broken... I relate... many of us have loves who didn't work out... My heart has been broken... and its scar tissue keeps others at bay... at times... and I seek men, or have sought men, who, need someone who is loving to a point where they need ... healing ... in a way... men who have had significant people absent from their lives... men who play the starving artist card.... (not all artists, but have had that quality... like the sacrificing father moving all the way to be with his son... who expected accolades for that...and I fell for it... when in actuality the surprise factor should have been that he would have considered not coming to be close to his son... or a man who was a very nice person... who was painfully shy... and I was naive enough to think I had found the key to getting him to open up and share things with me to later find out how heavy the wool he had pulled over my eyes really was... and then... then there's the love of my life... which I still keep quite private... but he has a part of my heart... has caused most of the scar tissue in my heart... and ironically has given me the most hope that love can be... true love...)

I watch her struggle to be in the moment with things... and I relate...

The current episode is about a man of the clergy who got fired because he no longer believes in god after his wife got murdered during a mugging...

Shows like Ally McBeal... were/are successful because of the universality of them... and for the unique characters in them... characters who reflect some of our own characteristics.. some who have qualities we still hope to one day have...

Ally is not my favorite character on the show... her best friend on there, a character named John cage, is my favorite... he is a character with so many idiosyncrasies... with the biggest heart... and laugh out loud moments...

I think... the show... overall... wants people to have hope... about love... I haven't finished the show, so I am not sure if it has a happy ending... happy at least in the Cinderella way we all envision... but... I think that the biggest hope in the show... is self acceptance... that while we are all distracted by the other things we crave, love, careers, friends... the biggest human flaw is not accepting ourselves, as we are...

On my good days... I do pretty well with that... self acceptance... but ... often need reassurance...

And in the words of John Cage, "We get back up.... it's who we are..."

Home Ownership!!! Yup!!

This is my window... MY window... or will be soon... It has been a whirlwind... The last six days have been perhaps the most exciting (combined with scary) days of my life.  Last Sunday, in snow, sleet, and freezing rain (Ok...not really sure I know the difference between sleet and freezing rain... but it's good for dramatic effect!)  my realtor, Suellen, and I traveled from house to house (10 total) in my quest to become a homeowner. 

I have, for months, been looking at house listings.  The listings that intrigued me I visited many times and tried to envision how the house would feel, how it was set up... Several of my favorite listings were on last Sunday's list.  The first house we saw was one that was close to the ocean... and I wanted that house to be perfect for me.  But, as I suspected from the pictures... it was too small...literally... the ceiling on the stairs was too low and standing in the basement was impossible... but, as real estate guru's say, the LOCATION was amazing.  I am glad that I saw it because seeing it took the romance out of it.... then we went to another house, that, honestly, from the pictures, had become one of my top choices.  It was a house that, from the outside, looked like a cottage that belonged oceanside... on the inside... if you could see through the very outdated orange shag carpet and the bedroom colors painted by children whose well intended parents gave their children license to pepto bismol their bedrooms, and past the cracked window panes... was stunning... there was hard wood floors beneath the hideous carpets, a beautiful fireplace with more charm than practicality, and a layout that would have been perfect for entertaining at parties and hosting family... Being in that house felt like I thought it would... full of potential... but realistically it was in need of upwards of $30,000 to get it up to snuff... given that it had been on the market for a while my realtor anticipated the owners would have taken almost any offer I put on the table... and my mortgage people said that in a house that needed a lot of work I could get an estimate from a contractor of the costs to fix it and add that amount to the mortgage... and after being in the house, it was a very tempting consideration... I could picture it... the finished product after lots of work, but... it would have meant living in a construction zone... and likely more, less obvious, work would need to be done... possibly the electric system, possibly more... so it was risky... and wasn't oceanside... and was not my ideal location... but it stayed in my list of favorites. 
Then... then we went to a house that was new to the market and was in my top two, at least from the pictures... and when I walked in, despite the snowy dark conditions, I was struck by the brightness of the house, the natural light.  I immediately pictured my nephews sitting at the breakfast bar as I was cooking in the kitchen... and as I walked through the rooms could picture myself there, happy there, and it felt like it was mine.  I could picture my stuff there, my painting, my photographs... my friends and my family in that house... with me... and I wanted to stay there... my realtor had to push me to leave, to go to our next showing... and it was hard to leave... we continued our search...in and out of the car, in and out of houses, and getting snowed on and wind blown in between... and there were things about the rest of the houses that were appealing, but when I left them I felt good about leaving...
At the end of the day my realtor asked me what  I wanted to do... did I like any of them enough to buy? enough to revisit? or did I want to pick other properties to look at another day.  I wanted the house filed with natural light.  It was new to the market, less than a week... and  I doubted my offer would be accepted... but I wanted to try.  So... late Sunday night, my realtor submitted an offer.  Around 9:15 Monday night, my realtor called with their counter offer... $4000 difference... and I said YES... and then he said it... "Congratulations!" 

Oh My GOD!!!  I am buying a house!  I am buying a house.... I AM BUYING A HOUSE!!! 

The elation, excitement and holy shit feelings have been as intense as I have ever felt them!  It's a HUGE commitment...  and... in a strange way... freedom...

The night before seeing the house... I had a dream... in which the yellow bedroom was decorated with daisies... Mom's favorite flower... and the day I went under contract... was my grandmother's birthday... and the day I got to see the house, was Suellen's birthday... so perhaps there were other things at work...

Since Monday night, sleep has been...scarce.  I have been making lists in my head... lists of the things I want to do to the house like in the blue bedroom, I want to paint three of the walls white leaving one blue accent wall.  I have debated about what to do with the second guest room (3 bedrooms total) ... do I put a quenn bed in there or two twin beds? I am leaning towards two twin beds.. for when the boys visit...

Tuesday night... well Tuesday night I tried to sleep, but around 11:30 I turned on my light and began writing down the things that were in my head... things I am going to need... a snow blower... a mower... a broom, one of those big butt brooms (wide) for the driveway... a hose... I don't have a hose... a box in which I can store wood for my fireplace.. (MY fireplace!!)   I picture a box similar to the one that sat at my parents' house for years.. big, in which lots of wood could be stored... I want a wood box like that... and I would put some kind of cushion on top of it for extra seating when guests came over... (maybe my talented dad could build one for me like that one!)  A rake, I will need a rake... I want house plants, cat safe house plants... I will need bedding for the two new twin beds... and there are decisions to be made about whether or not I want to get headboards for the beds or not, and do I want a headboard for my bed... I have always wanted a sleigh bed... but it is a bit impractical with my height... yet I curl up when I sleep... and I like the idea of it... another option with the bed is to get a king size bed for my room and put a queen bed in each of the guest rooms... but a king bed is a big bed just for me... and I think two twin beds make more sense... so there's bedding for those... and pillows... I think I want all new pillows... Oh.. and the house has radiators, charming silver radiators... and I want to put shelves on top of them so that the cats can sit on them to look out the windows... And... the window pictured above... notice those smaller panes... (ready for a BIG hint drop?!)  those smaller panes would look so nice with some STAIN GLASS work!!!  (Betty is a stain glass artist!!) I eventually want a small table in the entry way with a couple of chairs, and a bench to sit on to put shoes on and take them off... with storage for footwear and I need a coat rack, preferably one that matches the bench, attaches to the wall and has a mirror... and the upstairs bathroom.. it's gray, which is very modern... but the downstairs has a lot of gray and I am not sure I want a gray bathroom... so I am looking for shower curtains that have gray, but also have some other brighter colors that may kind of tie the colors of the bedrooms into the bathroom... and I would like to get a bird feeder so the cats can watch the birds... these are the thoughts that have been keeping me up at night...

It is so tempting to want to buy new everything... but the bottom line is... I have a lot of what I need for this house, MY house... and I have promised myself that I am not going to make any major purchases (except the twin beds, I want those pretty early on...) until I get in the house, unpack everything, and see what I want to keep and what I may want to get rid of... (just ended a sentence with a preposition... eek!)  Oh... I will also let myself buy two bar stools for the breakfast bar... two comfortable bar stools... but everything else... will need to wait.. there are a couple of pieces of furniture that I have now... that I may end up not keeping... but... am not going to make that decision now... 

So I am continuing to pack... the basement is on the list, will not be that bad, as there is not too much down there, but will need to take stuff to the dump, or recycling center as it is now called.... and I need to pack up my bedroom... other than the stuff I  will need before I move... and I think I will hold off on the bathroom until right before the move...

I do not yet have an official closing date... but will be in my house before my birthday!  (Can you say Housewarming/birthday bash??!!!) 

This has also been an emotional process... Emotional for many reasons... about which I am not ready to write... but emotional...

I feel so incredibly lucky to have found a house I love... I also feel accomplished... I have worked hard and I feel like that hard work is starting to pay off... I am grateful... for the help I am being given and the offers of help as I go through this process...
I am grateful!