Ok.. so there isn't really a connection between the 100 days and the no sleep in the title of this post... they are separate things... for the most part. I haven't been sleeping... I go through periods of time when sleeping is a difficult thing... usually it's getting to sleep... which is hard to do when I have kids I worry about... however, usually once I get to sleep, I am good... this week...getting to sleep and staying asleep were tough... It makes for a very long week. I hope this weekend I can recoup some of that sleep and also somehow settle myself down so I can sleep next week.
Today is day one of the 100 Day Challenge... I have tried this challenge in the past and have successfully completed it once. I am hoping this will be the second... without sinus infections getting in my way it should be smoooooooth sailing! (I have had some cold like symptoms since my sinus surgery, but no infections!) This time I have challenged my staff as well as some of my students to join me ... and when I lead something... I am more likely to follow through... so... any encouragement along the way is appreciated.
I read an article recently... that my sister had shared on facebook... it was about married women who betray their single friends... It was an interesting article. I am posting the link if you care to read it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-widom/20-ways-married-women-betray-our-single-girlfriends_b_4563644.html
As I read it... I thought about my single life... recent conversations with single and married friends and soon to be married friends... relationships are interesting... trying at times... all relationships... friendships and romantic relationships... Sadly I think that the article has some truth to it... There are times when people, in this article, women, who do things...perhaps subconsciously or not... to keep other people in the category to which they have assigned them... I am sure that my friends have put me in a few different categories... and I know the single friend category is one of them... probably some have categorized me as the chronically single friend... I have had conversations with some of my married friends... thinking of one in particular, who has told me that she envies me... or did at the time of the conversation... because I had nobody to answer to... nobody to seek permission from... she saw me as fiercely independent, unafraid of anything... she cited my solo adventures to NYC or simpler things like going out to eat alone or taking in a movie by myself... things she said she envied... In those conversations I told her that her perception was not completely accurate... that my fierce independence... was not necessarily an attribute... but more out of necessity... that doing things solo was my only choice at times, other than not going or doing because I was solo. My dating life... makes me shake my head sometimes... and there are many situations that make me laugh along with the people with whom I have shared them... Dating is not easy... relationships I think, are even harder... and then there are the relationships we have which we deny, telling ourselves it's casual when everyone knows it is anything but...
Another train of thought for me that came after reading the article... was how archaic it is, in ways, for us all to think that marriage is part of the natural progression in one's life... and that those who are unmarried are... less... Longtime blog readers know I believe in Temple Grandin's mantra: Different, Not Less.
My single friends... to be honest... very few are content being single... one I can think of desperately wants a relationship and each man she encounters quickly turns out to be, in her mind, THE one... and quickly gets complicated and he doesn't text enough or call enough and she over analyzes...sees psychics to affirm that HE is THE one for her, that she just needs to be patient... she shops for advice from friends... accusing friends who offer advice she does not want to hear as being unsupportive of her... another, a guy, constantly wants to date.. sees EVERY woman as a potential life partner... he finds small things that quickly become deal breakers.... and then assures himself he is too good for them anyway... then he can, at times, resent the poor bastards who are in relationships... especially with beautiful women.. because, after all, beauty is a required prerequisite... I have friends who are divorced... who are grateful they are no longer married... one is ready to seek a relationship again... and believes that destiny will provide... that her soul is meant to find it's other half... In talking with single friends there are a lot of buts... I went to this place this weekend... it was fun.. BUT it would have been more fun if... I saw my family for the holidays, it was ok BUT if I had a partner it would be better... I am guilty of some of this thinking... I am... There are times I think... if I had a husband I could make a different choice about where I spend my time... because people would be more understanding... Even in my job... as the only single administrator... when someone asks an administrator to be present at an event, I feel an obligation to go because who will feel my absence if I stay home or do something else by myself? If i had a husband, people would understand a schedule conflict... or even a lack of response to such requests...
I think, as the article says... there are people who believe their life is different...different-better, because they are married when compared to a single person's life... A single person could travel the world, volunteer, sit quietly on the summer beach reading a book with complete peace... and a married person would smile at the thought... and at times think... but she had to do it alone... poor thing... or... would think... if I did those things I would have my spouse, and in some cases kids, with me... and that makes me more complete... better...
I think sometimes we are all stuck in the high school mindset... and working at a high school it is a mindset with which I am very familiar... status... we can all remember a couple in high school who were, at least on the surface, PERFECT together... and when all those formal dances came up and you DIDN'T have a boyfriend or girlfriend... you felt uncomfortable... that pit in your stomach of choosing to go alone, with friends, or to stay home and be thrilled to be staying home when everyone else was at the dance with their person...
I think I have said it before... but I think, for me, the piece about being single that gets to me at times... is that I am nobody's priority. At least nobody's top priority... and most days that's ok... but there are times when it would be nice...
It was an interesting fall... I dated someone a few times... and decided he wanted to move way too fast... was too needy and decided running for the hills away from him was wise... I ran into someone I had dated who asked about reconnecting and I was able to say, without regret, HELL NO! ... because I CHOOSE to be single... I could choose to be with these men, and probably married... probably unhappily married... but I am glad I am not with them... Of the men I have dated and/or had significant relationships with... I can honestly say that I believe... with them, my happy ending would not have been found...
Now I know some of you who know me and know about my relationships and dating... you raise an eyebrow on that one... and one particular person comes to mind... a person who has been in my life... and out of my life... for many years... Perhaps he is the person about whom I wonder the most... analyze things between us, past and present, and know that our timing has sucked and that circumstances have never been what they would have needed to be... Even with him, no matter how much I love/d him... I don't think we would have worked in a traditional relationship/marriage way... We kind of work... as things are... but...it is never ideal... but when we spend time together we are happy. Some of my most fun times have been with him... some of my friends judge that... well probably all of them judge it... with varying perspectives... some think I am a fool... for continuing... some probably think things like... well if she can't get married at least she has this, almost like a consolation prize... A few say, go for it, have fun, enjoy! And I think they mean it... mostly. One friend who I recently saw for the first time in a LONG time asked me about things.. and is probably the most genuine when she tells me she is happy for me... because of her past relationships there is no way she wants to get married and thinks we should all just have fun without thinking too much about things... I think some people see it as a sad situation... that they don't believe that I am okay with the way things are... And me... what do I think? I think that I find joy in the moments I share with him. He has broken my heart at times, and at others has been the one to repair it... But no matter what people think or judge... it is my choice. I choose to not date certain people... I choose to engage with others... Would I love to find someone I loved so much that I could not imagine my daily life without him being a part of it? Probably. (But that also scares me.... depending on someone THAT much... scares me.)
I am going to mention a few of the points made in the article to which I had a connection... (That the author, Wendy Widom, is revealing about herself and her acts of betrayal against her single friends...)
- asking single friends if they have met someone... Sometimes it's not about being asked... it's about the quiet expectation to share this information... that my married/involved friends anticipate that I will want to discuss it... and sometimes it feels like people want to discuss it to make sure I know their status... of which, I am well aware...
- telling husbands about the friend's relationships... I think all married couples talk about their friends and about their friends' relationships... it's natural... and sometimes I wonder if that discussion is in an effort to 'one up'....or in an effort to make people feel more secure in their own relationship... "see what a mess Kim is, honey... at least you don't have to deal with a woman like her, you have me!" Or... "Look at what she's going through... aren't WE lucky we aren't in the dating scene anymore." I think it's natural... I think those conversations happen a lot... and.. I get it.. I talk about people's relationships too... I look at aspects of the relationships of the people I know and can pretty much find something in every relationship I have observed for which I am relieved I don't have to be involved... single people are guilty of talking about their married friends in this way too...
-Married friends expect single friends to understand their lack of social skills....Ok.. so I am completely putting my own twist on that one.. the author actually said married people expect single people to understand lack of communication, lack of returned phone calls, texts, etc... my take... true... because people have spouses and kids... at times... I think... feel they don't need to put as much energy into maintaining their other relationships... as a single, I get it.. you are busy, you have priorities, of which I am not the top, as it should be... but... it is tiring to be the one at times who continues to make the un- reciprocated effort. (Confession: I am guilty of not responding timely to all texts emails and calls... and I believe people chalk it up to my new career... which does play a role... but funny how it is more of an acceptable excuse now, as an administrator than it was as 'just' a teacher...) I just had a twinge of fear that I am pissing off my married friends... it is not my intent... I think that our life circumstances are all different... and it is unfortunate that we tie someone's relationship status into who they are, how we see them...and what we will and won't accept from them because of it...
-Sometimes married people make single people feel like their lives are less complete... the article says it is done so intentionally... I have felt the receiving end of this at times... and have wondered if it was intentional... hoping it wasn't... again... I think that high school mindset creeps in... seeing something perceived as a weakness is often capitalized upon... sadly. And as I said above... sometimes my married friends do the opposite... make me feel like my life is more complete because they, because of their 'responsibilities' have less opportunities... which is their perception...
- 'we think you are too picky'... yup. I have been told by many... that I am too picky... yet... for those same people...once I break up with someone their characteristics become the butt of many jokes..... and sometimes involve 'I told you sos...' which sometimes goes back to feeling like non single people want single people to stay single...
-'we don't tell you you keep making the same mistakes...' here's where I will sound hypocritical... hearing about it after the fact... is not helpful... One of my most serious relationships involved people telling me they were so very happy for me...yet when we broke up and I kicked his ass out... SOOO many people told me how glad they were that I wasn't going to be with him... That was eye opening... I want my friends to support me, but also want them to share their genuine concerns... Please... share your concerns... and if I say thanks, but not going to listen... that's on me...
- My favorite...perhaps...Married people don't tell single people that getting married doesn't guarantee a happy ending... I know many unhappily married people... perhaps they are not unhappily married couples, because maybe as a couple they come off as fine...but... I know many people who are married and continue to struggle with being happy... I don't think that happiness is something that is ever a guarantee. I think it's something we strive for, search for... and when we are lucky find moments of it... I am lucky.. I find many moments of happiness... and those are sometimes enough to off set the moments of despair... but what I know for sure... my moments of despair have rarely been about being single... n my darkest hours... I can honestly say that my marital status is neither the problem or the solution...
By writing this... I know that some who read it will wonder if it is them I am referencing when I mention my friends... we all do that... our egos do that... very few will read it and compartmentalize it to me and what it means for me... that sounds egotistical... that I would want people to focus on me... but c'mon... it's a blog that I write, about my life... of course it is about me... what I am saying is that it is our natural tendency to project ourselves into the situations we see and hear about. There are people both single and married who think I can't or could never do it alone and I don't want to for that matter... for the single people who feel that way, I feel badly... because those moments of happiness will be more elusive for you as you wallow in your relationship status...
A married friend once told me their marriage was purposeful.... so that in one's old age or infirm health... there would be someone who would provide care... I don't like that... I get it... but I don't like it... I do, in moments of illness/recovery, wish I had someone who would take care of me... but, not out of a sense of obligation... out of duty... because a legal agreement assures I would be his top priority...... I have enough guilt when people take care of me, when there is need for me to be taken care of...that the obligatory element is unappealing... I have had friends who confess they got married because it was either get married or break up... and breaking up didn't seem to make sense or seemed impractical... that reasoning doesn't seem so great either...
As I think about what I have written here... some may think of me as someone who is bitter or against marriage... that is not true... I think I could be a person who could be happy being married... or happy with my marriage maybe a better way to put it... I think it impossible for someone to be happy all of the time despite having a good marriage...
Maybe, for those who are married or want to get married... a 'good' marriage is the best to hope for... in my mind... I have known only one couple who had a GREAT marriage... my parents... and maybe I idealize much of their relationship... If I get married I would want to emulate their marriage... the way they treated each other... loved each other... and I think most importantly cherished each other... I think many people forget the cherish part of things...
A close friend who has shared much about personal experience with marriage is worried my view on marriage will be tainted because of sharing those experiences with me... or this person's perception of the experiences... maybe it has. Or... maybe it has made me see that I need to go into something with my eyes wide open. That I need to approach something with a lens that allows me to see all sides... and to ensure, tot he best of my ability, that if I choose someone to marry, that he and I will grow together...even if the directions change... and... that being honest is key... with myself and with my partner...
There are people who have accused me of being naive and idealistic... and perhaps I am naive in my thinking... that when (if) I get married... MY marriage will be different... I feel that I am confident in who I am... and have learned to be brutally honest with the men I date... I don't have time to play games, to appease someone's ego... or to do something for the sake of doing something... I think that pursuing relationships when you are older...(seems like
older is constantly being redefined...) is better... As I have aged I
have learned so much about myself.. what I want and need... and think
that is an advantage...
It is hard, as a single person, to advise married friends about their relationships.... yes...married friends seek relationship advice from single people... (shocking...how could that happen when single people know nothing about marriage?!) I have offered a lot of advice... sometimes stick it out, sometimes appreciate what you ave and stop your bitchin;... and have given the advice of... 'wanting to leave is enough reason to leave...'
But it just isn't that simple... or so I have been told...
I guess Single people have a luxury... one, I suppose, my married friends don't have... when singles want to leave, we can... without the mess it would cause otherwise...
When I sat down to write today I had no idea really where this was headed... I really thought it would be about the 100 day challenge and my need to get my BFA moving.. but as I started typing, my fingers and brain kept going... the guy I mentioned earlier... the one I have known for what feels like forever... is coming to visit soon... and a fairly recent interaction in which he was paranoid about what my lack of attention/communication (which was due to being busy at work) meant for him... got me thinking about why he was concerned about not hearing from me... and about why I care he was concerned... maybe this has been swirling around in my head more than I realized... and maybe getting it out will help me sleep... What I do know...about MY relationship status... is this...
It's complicated.
And... for now... I think I'm ok with that.
