The end of an era...

Last weekend I spent time with someone I have known for 15 years... we have been in and out of each other's lives for a long time... Our timing has always sucked as far as trying to build things into a 'real' relationship... and as years have gone on we had accepted that living in the moment was best.. it wasn't easy to do when you really care about someone, but it had worked... Last weekend he opened up about how he truly feels about me... and I don't know what it is about this guy.. but we have had so many moments that would be a scene out of a romance movie... he started talking... and I was in awe of what he was saying... We have both along the way, learned to compartmentalize things about each other quite well... and he has been pretty tight lipped about how he feels... citing, at various times, that he didn't know if it was fair to do so or not... Fair or not... he put it ALL out there Saturday night.  We were in one of my favorite watering holes, with a surprisingly small crowd...and we talked... his words brought tears to my eyes... and I fell in love with him all over again, right there, in that moment...
I was blown away... and thought that the stars were aligning...that we would finally really see what he and I could be...
I could not have been further from the truth... He says... telling me that his articulation of everything changes nothing... except now I know how he feels... It changes nothing? How can it not change everything? Why can't it change anything, according to him?

It's not practical.

Practical... The same man who is going to the superbowl Sunday...based on where he said he would be sitting and my online research... his ticket is at least $2200... He has, in the past spent $10,000 during a friend's bachelor party in Vegas... and he tells me trying to see if we could work despite how much we care about each other... is not PRACTICAL??  Of course I pointed those things out to him and he says spending that money is different... it's a one time thing.. Sorry that I don't understand your logic.

There has been a lot of communication since Saturday... apparently I am... sarcastic, livid, and bitter.  Ok, well maybe he is right about that.  I am mad.... I am not sure that I could be with him forever... but I am sad that we have never really given it a true chance... I am not a person that half asses things...

Despite him saying I am angry and bitter and that my raw emotions probably indicate that we shouldn't keep spending time together (Something where we are on the same page)  he asks what I want...

What do I want? Really? And when my response was short, "Apparently what I want is irrelevant and impractical...so we move forward, separately....apart..."  he felt I was being sarcastic... maybe a little... but... he has said there is no way he is willing to change his life or put more effort in... and... knowing how he feels... the compartment runneth over... and I can't do more of the same...

So.. we are done...

Goodbye my friend.  I am disappointed in you... in your inability to take a chance.... but it is time...
I wish you well...
And now... I begin truly opening my heart... which he has held for a loooong time... too long... I look forward to my next adventure...

Our first date was in NYC 15 years ago... we went to the show Chicago... and in true livid, bitter style... I say good bye with the following song: Cell Block Tango