Sleepless in Maine...and the sound of a trumpet.

My mind does not listen to itself very well... last night my mind was racing, not unlike other nights, and I tried to tell it to calm down, to relax, so that I could sleep... but my soothing self talk did not work! I tossed and turned... each time I woke up I had several things on my mind...

At the top of that list was my friend who is battling tumors... she meets with an oncologist today, for the results of her biopsy... while they have already pretty much told her that it is breast cancer, I am sure hearing those words, definitively, would be one of those moments where the world stops, other sounds in the room fade, and those words seem impossible... like they are being said about someone else...and where anything said after that would not even be processed... I get sick to my stomach, thinking about it... I thought of her a lot last night... seeing her face, her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears... and wish I could do something to take it all away from her... This morning, when I first checked my email, I learned that one of my uncles who has battled cancer for years, remains in remission. I am thankful for that news... thankful that he and our family can breathe a sigh of relief.... and it offered me some hope today, for my friend... if I was one of those people who believed in signs... I may have thought it was one...

Next on my list was my grandmother... She is 93 years old... and is AMAZING. She really is... I know many people say that about their grandmothers, but mine really is... She and my grandfather were married for more than 60 years before Grampie died twelve years ago. They had such a cute relationship, were one of those couples who you saw and they made you smile and hoped that you would one day have that bond with someone... When Grampie died... I fully expected Grammie to die too... At the visiting hours before his funeral, we thought we were losing her. She collapsed... but she survived... and has lived by herself since... with the exception of weathering some winter storms with one of my aunts.

This is a picture of her with one of my cousins who recently had a baby. Grammie is known in our family as the quilter. She makes beautiful quilts... I have kept all of the quilts she has made for me over the years... they are very tattered and worn, which she would be happy about, knowing they were well used over the years... and in the last few years her arthritis has prevented her from quilting... but when she heard that she was about to have a great great grandchild, she made another quilt. That is not the only reason she is amazing... but... it adds to her many endearing qualities.

Gramie loves her family. She has always been the caretaker... I believe since she was a child. She was one of five siblings, and as the oldest, took care of her younger brother and sisters... Still, at 93, she tries to look out for her two sisters... 93 is a long time to live...even when we are told people are living longer... I love that she is still very mentally sharp... she can still tell stories about things and rattle off the names of all 7 grandkids, 10 great grandkids, and one great great grandson... I think that's right anyway... she would correct me if I got it wrong... of course I had to use my fingers to count everyone, she would probably just know!

This is a picture of her at our most recent Thanksgiving. I probably posted it back in November, but feeling like I want to share it again. I love this picture. She was looking at photos in a wedding album of one of my cousins. Gramie is so proud of her family, always has been. She has always told us all how proud she is and how much she loves us. She is the matriarch of our family.

She is on my mind today because she is in the hospital... this is her second visit in about as many weeks. Her last visit was called a 'heart episode'... which she has had a few of over the years... this visit has not been given a specific reason... they are doing tests, nothing invasive, thankfully... and have found a few things... not atypical for someone of her age. My dad and his siblings are of course, nervous about her going back home... knowing that she is an independent person. I remember as kids we used to say that our stubbornness... which I prefer to call determination, for the record, was something we got from my grandfather's side... she made it clear that her side of the family probably passed along some of those traits as well!

I was pleasantly surprised that my aunt told me that Grammie has said that upon release from the hospital she thinks it best to go into a rehab facility, for a while... this was something my dad and his siblings had discussed at the hospital, worrying that Grammie would want to go home, not to rehab, not to my aunt's house.. and they had thought about requiring her to have nurses come into her home a couple of times a day if she was to return to her house... even though I think they would all prefer a rehab facility for her, for now.

When I read that she had made the decision to go to a rehab facility I was pleasantly surprised... knowing of her... let's say...determination... But then I got thinking... and wonder if she made that decision to make it easier on her kids... which would not surprise me. She is not a person who likes to burden people... Last time I visited with her, on the 4th of July, she had asked me about my feelings and my sister's feelings about my father having another woman in his life. I assured her that we were both happy for Dad and she was glad to hear that. She then got a little emotional, although she may deny that, and told me that life was too long to live lonely... that she misses Grampie every day. Of course she does.

I am worried, of course, that she is dying... and realistically we know that at 93, she could pass at any time... but I also know that she has lived a very full, long life. I think that she has been able to see the amazing legacy that she and Grampie created... She has seen much in her life... when people say that they think of inventions, technology , significant historical events... when I think of what she has seen in her life... I think of her family... how she has seen it grow, how she watched her own children grow up, watched them have families...she has seen a lot of joy... and of course she has also had much sadness... in 93 years one loses many people, significant people... besides her parents, two of her siblings, her husband, and her daughter in law... she has lost friends...

I am so glad I got to see her recently. She has such a hard time hearing people, so I am not sure if she heard everything I said. She loves to know what we are up to, so after visiting with her I printed out many of the pictures I had taken and sent them to her with a letter, describing each of the pictures. She should have gotten it yesterday or today... I hope that brings a smile to her face! It will be hard to lose her.. and while I struggle with having faith in the way that some people have it... I do believe that Grampie is by her side... and that comforts me.

Dad is anxious... naturally...and I know that whenever this loss was to come, it would be hard on him... but I think that since Mom's death, his emotions, mine too, are intensified... and harder to manage... I have always been an emotional person, as I think is also true for my dad. I have worn my emotions more on my sleeve than Dad has... but I think we both had an ability to keep our emotions in check in front of other people and reserved the rawness of those emotions for time alone... since Mom's death... I think it has been harder to contain our emotions... well... I think we went through a phase of numbness... but think that things that hit us hard... are harder to hide.. not that we try to hide it... but I think we all, naturally try to hold ourselves together in tough times... I have been grateful that Dad has Betty in his life...she has said some very kind things to me, about Dad and my relationship with him... and as he goes through this process, with Gramie being in the hospital, I am glad she is by his side.

The other things that kept me awake last night included an upcoming visit from Jill and her family. (She has blackmailed me.. if I do not mention her name in at least three blogs this week... bad things will happen... According to my calculations, this, Jill, makes two... oh wait.. that was three! Two name drops today and one yesterday!) Then there is a job prospect! I sent in an application yesterday for a job that I would love... I think... an assistant principal position at a middle school. I have not put out many applications because there have not been many positions posted that I would truly want... but I would want this one!

Socks? Why socks? Well... Since I am looking for some good luck, for my friend, for my grandmother, and for a possible new job... I needed something for a good luck charm... Wigwam socks... Why? Well... Back in my basketball days... I wore wigwam socks at every game... and back then, that little red triangle symbol was only on one of the socks in the pair... and I would always make sure that it went on my left foot... always...

And then there was the national anthem...
While the anthem was played at the start of each game. I ALWAYS looked at the same star... the first star in the second row, furthest to the left... looked at it throughout the entire song... and at the end.. there is that part where there is a REALLY high note... I listened closely, at home games, for one of my bandmates, Jason L., to hit that note on his trumpet... if he hit it hard and strong, I KNEW, just knew I would have a great game... and I did... but if he was off... well... it was anyone's game! So... I am sharing my crazy superstitions with you.. in hopes that they will offer me some luck once again... fingers crossed! (one more bit of superstition couldn't hurt!)