Believing in something...

This is a picture of the mountain that I have posted many pictures of before... you may have to look closely... but if you do you can see, in the upper right side, a ridge of the mountain... which is called Knife's Edge... I also have pictures where you can't see any part of the mountain... but this picture seems more appropriate for where my mind is at tonight...

My mom used to say, on days when we could not see the mountain because of the clouds... that it was a demostration of faith... saying that we knew the mountain was behind the clouds and we had to believe that it was there even though we could not see it... she would make the analogy to having faith in God... which you all know I have struggled with...

When I saw Rico a couple weeks ago we talked about religion/faith... and he said a new word to me, that I had not heard... nontheist... defined as a person who is not a theist... I have not researched this word much since our conversation, but have thought about out chat... being a non-theist means that you do not follow a specific religion... yet can mean that you believe in things... I like that idea... I have beliefs ... and have struggled to find a religion into which my beliefs fit or align... I have taken some online "What Religion Am I?" surveys... but nontheism is a way for me to believe what I believe... to talk to the universe, which some may call praying...

Throughout my life when I find myself wanting to reach out to a higher power about something... I find that I talk to the people in my life to whom I had a great closeness who have died... I think part of that comes from dreams I have had in which I have had visits/conversations with my family members who have died... I still have not had that kind of dream about my mom... I hope I do... but... The last few nights I have been talking to my mom a lot... asking for help...

On Friday I learned that one of my best friends has a tumor in her bone. She had been having shoulder pain for a while... has been through physical therapy and cortizone shots... and found no relief... so she had an MRI on Friday... within a few hours of her MRI she received a phone call from her doctor's office notifying her that there was a tumor in her bone and that she needed to do more testing that day... xrays and a CT scan... I really do not know the difference between an MRI and a CT scan... but it was obvious that the doctors were concerned... and also told her that she will be going to Boston to see a specialist of some kind... even though they have not yet told her what kind of specialist because they have not diagnosed anything other than saying there is a tumor... she will have a full body bone scan tomorrow...

She is terrified. Rightfully so. She has been beside herself since finding out... after I worked on Saturday I went over to her house to see her... she had been texting me a little and sending me emails... that her husband wanted her to calm down, to take things one day at a time... and she didn't know how... So I got to her house and she fell apart in my arms... as I expected... We went to her bedroom to talk and I just let her cry... talk about her fears... she has so many fears.. As I sat there listening... I kept thinking that my head would go to the exact same places hers was going... and I could not tell her it was going to be okay... that it's not something to be upset about... yet...

She is my age.. 36... she has a son who is 7... and is afraid she is going to die.

It was hard for me to hear the news on Friday... I was at a friend's camp with my coworkers... and when I heard my friend's voice on the phone I knew something was really wrong... so I left the group ... it really took my breath away... I had no idea what to do... I offered to take her son for a while so she and her husband could do whatever they needed to do... but he was already at summer camp...

I have to be honest and say that there was a part of me that wanted to... run away and not face this, face her... face the idea that I may lose my friend... I am scared for her... very scared... and it brings so many things to the surface... due to my experience with Mom... I just don't have a glass is half full attitude when the word tumor is used...

When my mom was diagnosed and as she battled... I talked to the universe and to someone I have lost, my grandfather...and also talked to the universe in general... tried to rationalize things... ask for help...and as I knew there was no hope of her recovery.. I asked the universe to take her gently... without suffering more than she already had... to which the universe gave me the big middle finger...

Part of me hopes that since Mom endured what she did... that her energy, that I believe is still in existence somewhere... can intercede... can give hope to my friend...

I don't know what to believe, to think, to hope for, to fear... I hate not knowing... I hate that my friend is unable to sleep, that she cries so hard she cannot breathe... that she looks at her son and wonders if he will grow up without his mother... I HATE IT... It makes me so mad...

Like my mom, my friend is one of THE kindest, sweetest, big-hearted person I know... there is no rhyme or reason for this... no understanding, no reason...

Not everything happens for a reason...

I believe the mountain is there when it is hidden behind the clouds... but I am not sure what else I believe...

I will be there for my friend... in whatever way she wants/needs me to be... I may even be there when she doesn't think she wants or needs me to be...

I love you my friend...