It's raining

I am sitting on my couch watching some shows I have recorded on my DVR... it's raining out... I like the sound of the rain tonight... I should probably be doing some journaling for my internship... but I have been working on some other things, more creative things for my internship... that I am excited about. My school is going through a bit of a rough time... people are stressed, very stressed... feeling defeated... historically our staff doesn't do a whole lot of 'warm fuzzy' things for one another. Those kind of things have been deemed "hokey." People have made efforts over the years to do things to try to improve our climate and often those efforts are thwarted because the 'eye rollers' in our staff have been able to squash the spirit of such efforts. So I am going to try again... People are feeling so badly right now that I feel like people are fading... so tonight I had an idea of somehow letting people know they are appreciated and I thought about giving people a message in a bottle... I thought of that because traditionally people put wishes into the bottles before tossing them out into the ocean, hoping they come true... and I think my staff needs some hope... so I went to the craft store and found these really funky little bottles shaped like light bulbs. What a great idea!!! (Yes I see the pun there...) So... I bought a few... (By the way the sticker says: DECORATION ONLY DO NOT PUT INTO LAMP SOCKET.... really? do people NEED that kind of warning? Oh well... I then searched for quotes about light... and found three that I really like:


“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same” – Nelson Mandela

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross quotes

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest” Unknown

So... I am making a tag for each light bulb jar, each has one of the quotes above and also the following message: Inside you will find a message from someone who has seen your ‘light.’ Know YOU are appreciated. After you take some time to recognize what others see in you, please, share your light. Put a new message inside this light-bulb and “shine it forward,” by passing it on to a colleague.

Hokey? Maybe... but it's worth a shot.

This is something that I am excited about... I get to be creative and try to change things, to make things better, two things I haven't felt capable of in the last couple of years...

I think the last couple of years were harder on me than even I realized... and maybe hardened me more than I realized as well. I had withdrawn from much of my life, and distanced myself most from work. Yes I loved my students the last two years, but the rest of it involved me going through the motions... and I don't think I had recognized just how far into the fog I had traveled. Recently I said to someone, I feel like I am waking up... that this summer, before really digging into my internship, I was able to relax and enjoy time with family and friends, people I love and who love me... and I started breathing, not to survive, but to live... there I go being cheesy again... And today one of my colleagues and I had a heart to heart... I went to ask her a question about one of the kids and she complimented me on some work I had done for my internship that I had to present at the staff meeting yesterday. Then she told me that she wanted to tell me something and that she hoped she could get through it without crying, which by the way neither of us did... but she told me she was so happy to see me... doing all that I am doing, to be doing it in true "Kim fashion"... she told me that she has seen how hard the last two years have been for me, how painfully hard it has been... and how hard it was for her and others to know there was little they could do to help me... She said that this year, even though she knows I am stressed with my job and internship, she said she is so happy to see her friend Kim back... and I totally knew what she meant...

So I think that the last two years, while I was disengaged, I did not lose myself, like I had feared.... I have just needed to conserve my energy and draw from the people around me...like the picture above shows the sun drawing water.... and now... I am finally able to give back... to let my energy rain down and see what grows from it! Am I stressed? Yup. Am I tired? Yup. Am I crazy busy? Yup. But you know the crazy part... I feel good...surprisingly energized and motivated... and yes my friend, Jill... breathing!