End of the year...

School is ending next week... well actually I should clarify that... the school in which I work starts summer vacation next week... for me school will continue with the completion of my summer graduate class on the horizon and will continue with my internship work... but, I feel like I will get to have a break soon... and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This year has been a difficult one for me professionally. My job involves difficult kids, usually more difficult parents, and paperwork...lots of paperwork. I HATE the paperwork... and to add to it I get frustrated at times with the way in which two of my supervisors operate and being my passive aggressive self, use a passive aggressive strategy to try to rebel against them. I delay my paperwork, which really only end up hurting me because it reflects poorly on my professionalism, but I do it anyway... I did not become a teacher to do paperwork... I became a teacher to help kids. And, with the demands of paperwork I have a choice, bring the paperwork home every day and stay up late doing it or give up time in my classroom teaching kids while having someone else cover my classroom. I have a really hard time giving up time with my students to do paperwork.. a really hard time. As a special ed teacher I have heard about people in my profession getting burned out... and now, more than ever I understand that.

Part of my passive aggressiveness this year also stems from being in meetings and feeling that the administrators at the meeting are not acting in the best interest of the kids... for whatever reasons, political or financial... and it really upsets me. Some of my colleagues have been put in awkward situations by being told or strongly encouraged to avoid saying things about students... because it may make the district look bad. Yet... it is putting people in situations, asking them to be unethical. Another aspect that has been growing is that we have these outside consultants, professionals if you will, who are hired to work in the district to help solve all of our problems... or, I say cynically, to keep kids who need alternate placements in our school to save our district money. These 'consultants' come to meetings and offer their professional opinions about the students and how to change/improve their behavior. The problem, and it's a HUGE problem, is that these consultants, in most cases, have NEVER even met the kid, NEVER even seen the kid... and based on paper in a file, they offer their expert opinions... which is bad enough, but the way in which they deliver their expertise is dismissive of all the work that the teachers do with the kid. These people do NOT work with these kids on a daily basis... their suggestions are things that have been tried and haven't worked, or haven't been tried because, knowing the kid it won't work... It is so frustrating... sooooo frustrating.

I have always prided myself in my ability to work with kids and to advocate for kids... and my instincts about kids are usually right on target. And to be treated like I have made no effort with kids, that my colleagues who work as hard as I do, have not done enough for kids... is such a slap in the face... when we know, KNOW, that the kids for whom these consultants are called upon need MORE than what the school can provide.... these kids are in need of mental health treatment... I have 2 kids in mind with whom I am directly involved and two other kids with whom my colleagues work. The feeling of helplessness is not something I handle well. ... interesting.... just realized that maybe my feelings about that stem from that... helplessness... that word...that feeling... makes me remember how I felt with my mom... and it makes me so angry. So angry.

I always told myself that when I got to a point where I felt like I wasn't able to help kids in the way I thought I should/could... I would leave...without being told to do so... and I think I am getting close to that point. Not leaving education... but...the classroom... Mt. St. Paperwork...

The good part about getting to this point is that I am more committed than ever, to move on, beyond my classroom, to take on a leadership role in education as a building administrator... where the optimist in me says I can make a difference, for kids and for teachers which in turn helps more kids...

ahhh... so.. I have to make it through next week... have to finish my summer class... and then focus on my future goals... and do it.... If I was allowed to have a margarita right now... you can bet your ass I would be raising my glass and saying CHEERS to that!

On another note... I went for a short bike ride tonight with Suellen... about 3 miles... and felt pretty good. We did some small hills and I do think I am in better shape than I was a year ago. Yahoo!

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