Off Balance

As a teacher I often get all the colds and bugs that my students get. This year I have managed to avoid a lot of it, until now. Sunday morning I went to the gym and did 5 miles on the elliptical machine then went grocery shopping. Towards the end of my grocery shopping my stomach felt a bit off, but figured it was hungry after my workout. I came home and relaxed for a while and then had some pretty major stomach issues... I chalked it up to having eaten fried food Saturday night, which I haven't eaten in a while... and didn't worry... Monday I got up and went to work and felt okay. My assistant asked me if I was okay, saying I didn't look great. I told her I was okay, but didn't quite feel like myself. Later that morning I had a parent meeting and during the meeting felt really...foggy...and felt like I wasn't making complete, coherent sentences, but apparently I was making sense and the meeting ended. By the time I made my way back up to my classroom I felt a little off balance and decided I was going to come home and rest for a while. I then ended up calling out sick yesterday and slept most of the day. Feeling fine as long as I was sitting or laying down... and when I would get up to do things I was woozy again...I was hoping to return to work today, but when I woke up this morning didn't feel like jumping out of bed would be a good idea... feeling that lightheaded feeling again... so I called in sick again and went back to bed. I woke up a little while ago and the world seems more balanced today...so hopefully this bug is over... I think I am going to try to go to class tonight and see how that goes.

Something else caught me off guard yesterday... making me feel even more unbalanced... I got an email from a relative with whom I have had minimal contact wince my mom died. This person did and said things that were inappropriate, hurtful, uncalled for, and made a difficult situation even harder. Since mom's death this person has reached out a few times to me or my sister or my dad, and our responses have been courteous and brief. Yesterday's email from her stated that she is having a hard time coping with everything, that she misses us all, and wants us to know that she is still there for us, no matter what, and always will be. I feel badly for not telling her everything she did and said is okay, that I can forgive and forget. But, I can't. The role I play in my family, well perhaps less now than earlier in my life, has been the person to tell everyone things are okay and to maybe smooth things over so that they are okay... and I am sure that this relative expects that I will just say that all is well. But... I can't...

So I wrote back to her, telling her that I empathize with being upset, that losing mom hasn't been easy on any of us. I told her that I am sure that being disconnected from us has difficult for her. I said that I don't mind her emailing if she feels the need to do so, that I am not ready and do not want to reconnect. I said that I was still very upset about things and hurt by them, and said that I do not want to go back and forth about it all... and I feel guilt for that... not because it's not the truth... it is the truth. I do not want to go there with her again, and don't see her as an integral part of my life... but I feel bad for her... the circumstances she has chosen for herself in her life have always been difficult for her, and she has always used my grandmother, my mother, and then me to complain to about it... and I am not sure who she now complains to.... and fear that her daughter has filled that role... so my guilt comes from worrying about all of her negativity getting displaced onto her daughter... but... I just know that I cannot handle her drama... don't want to know about her drama... I will always be related to her, but...I do not feel connected to her...

And of course there is this part of me that wonders what mom would think of all this... Mom maintained harmony/peace with this person even when it was hard to do so. Mom asked me to maintain that same harmony with this person throughout her illness and death, asking me to be the contact person. I did that. And I am sure that it would make mom happy if the circumstances of this person's life improved, but I also think that she would recognize that there is nothing I could do to change this person's circumstances... But... I know that my mom worried a lot about this person...and would want what is best for her... but... I hope that mom would also want me to protect myself... to set boundaries...and to support my dad and my sister... not in the sense of ganging up on someone, but to just know that we all experienced something and no longer wish to excuse bad behavior... but the email did shake me a little... I hate knowing that people are upset... I always feel like i have to do something to make it better... to put it all back into balance...