Happy Light

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping in Sam's Club... you know one of those buy in bulk warehouse places... I am one of the consumers for whom stores like that design their merchandise and displays.... When I was last at Sam's club as I walked in there were large screen tvs, some beautiful plants (which, if my thumb were even slightly green, would have come home with me), some Christmas present suggestions, and... as one of those suggested gifts was one called a "Happy Light." I was, ironically, drawn to it like a moth to a flame... (remember I hate moths!)... Over the years I have heard of the lights designed for people who are SAD (seasonal Affect Disorder) sufferers... those lights that offer simulated sunshine and the positive effects of it without the cancer  and sunburn risks...appealing...

It is no secret that this time of year is not my favorite... in fact I would say that I hate it.  This year I am already at the point I usually don't get to until, ohhh... Late January or early February...

It has been a hard fall... since my colonoscopy debacle... I feel like things have, pun intended, been in the shitter.  The negative experience at that appointment has still been weighing on my mind.  I have been in the proess of sending a formal complaint, but it has been quite a process to get the information I wanted in order to finalize my letter... and has led to further distrust... (Following a conversation with the patient relations liason in which she told me she had sent information I had requested three to four days before, I received a letter citing said conversation, attached to the documents she said had been sent out a few days before... yet her primary goal is to help me find resolution and to regain my trust... not quite how I would go about regaining trust...but I digress...) Since that procedure I feel like it has been hard to get my feet back under me.  I have alluded here that work has been hard this fall... it has.  I have had a couple of weeks where I have said to myself, "This is a bad week."  Since starting this job this is the first time I have used the adjective, bad, to describe a day, let alone a couple of weeks...

I think perhaps my empathy and compassion reserves are drained... as I type this one of my students is likely playing her violin at her father's funeral... I should probably be there... but I went to the visiting hours last night to let myself off the funeral hook... I knew I could not sit through a funeral today... that I need to take a break from the sadness... two of our students, unrelated, have lost a parent... both from cancer.  That is in addition to two of our staff members fighting cancer, numerous suicidal students, and a few situations in which I was close to giving our school resource officer the green light to cuff and stuff a kid... plus the 'typical' work stuff... I am drained. 

The truth is, it has triggered a lot for me... and in addition to the sadness at work, I feel like my own grief has been triggered... but I am ok... I am working, consciously working, to do something just for me, every day... sounds hokey... but.. it has helped. 

I have clung on to the positive moments with both hands... something as simple as having a student ask to see me to thank me for checking on her in previous days (she is friends with both students who have lost their parents) means a lot... having a staff member come up and say how impressed they were that I had taken time last spring to sit in with the band... makes me feel like there are things in my job that extend beyond helping kids cope with mental illness, grief, and anger...

Given the dark rain cloud that has been hanging over things... combined with the shorter days... have me feeling anxious about winter, about losing more daylight, about it being so cold outside I only want to go from my house to my truck to my job to my truck to my house... I want the sun to shine... I want to feel the warmth... and so... I bought the Happy Light... and, in an effort to be transparent... the fact that the store was promoting it as a huge sale, offering it at $10 less than they wanted me to think they would usually offer it, didn't matter.... it had me at 'Happy...' 

The idea of being able to buy something that doesn't make them happy, not in the way that people feel after buying something they have wanted for a long time, but to buy something that alleges that it can, scientifically speaking, help me feel happy... free of drugs... was endearing... more than endearing... it gave me hope... hope that I could do something to make me feel happier... so,  I brought it home... and... I left it in its box... for about a week and a half... looking at it wondering if it had really come to that point... of needing to sit in front of a light in order to help me feel better...

OK.. I must stop here... because... I know people in my life, who are close to me, are worried about me... about all the work stuff and how it has impacted me... some have asked if I have considered 'talking' to 'someone'... the truth is... I thought about it... a lot... but... decided that given all that is going on... I think that my reaction is... wait for it... 'normal.'  (Hypocritical of me to use that word perhaps... but...)  Have I felt depressed? Yes.  Has my anxiety been heightened? Yes.  But... I believe it is situational, and I believe it is going to get better.  I have taken some steps to take care of myself... I reached out to my doctor because despite trying to do tings to help me sleep better, like 'unplugging' an hour before I want to go to sleep, I have not been sleeping... or had not been... my doctor gave me a prescription to help me fall asleep... I asked for it because I needed help getting back into some kind of a sleep pattern... it has helped.  I haven't taken it the last few nights and have been able to fall asleep, by 10:00 even, so don't feel like I need to continue the meds. but am glad I have them if I need them..   I rejoined my gym... and while I have only gone a few times, it is a step... I am going to go when I can... and believe it will eventually become more a part of my routine... and I am leaning on people... in various ways..it's amazing how even a little daily banter can help...... and... as I said, I am doing at least one thing each day, that is just for me... from going to the chiropractor (actually chiopractors...I am trying another doc to see if the adjustments from her have results that last a bit longer..) to getting manicures/pedicures, to saying no to going to school related functions after having a very hard day... and to not go to funerals today... that's a  big one... and... I have decided to allow someone back into my life, even if it is only temporary... because I need this person... right now... this person knows why I have reached out, why I have opened this door... and is willing to be there for me... for which I am grateful... So... I know I cannot stop people from worrying, but I also want people to know I know I am going through a tough time and I am doing what I can do, to keep myself afloat...and I am okay... I also believe that things at work will improve... and even though winter is here to test me... I believe things will improve...

So... this Happy light... whether or not it scientifically makes a difference... is symbolic for me... it's hope... in the form of a happy light... I took it out of  its box... and... I am going to turn it on every day, at some point, and believe in its... its power...

And as I get ready to spend time with an amazing person later today... I am looking forward to it... maybe it's working already...  

Rub a Dub Dub..

I planned a self indulgent night away... and for the most part, it was exactly what I needed... I wish the weather had been better, it was rainy, cold rainy, and windy... but I slept in Saturday morning, woke up and then cuddled with the kitties for a bit... they have been feeling neglected... watched an episode of a show on Netflix and then decided to make breakfast.  I had debated about going out, but decided it was just as easy to stay in... then I got ready to hit the road and stopped to get gas.  Gas was under $3.00 a gallon!!!??? That was a good way to start my trip.  I drove to North Conway NH and decided to do some shopping before going to the hotel and managed to find some good things... though my intentions were to do some Christmas shopping I ended up buying things for myself... Merry Christmas to me??  It was fun to not have to be on a schedule and when I got to check into the hotel I was ready to relax... or so I thought... I unpacked a bit and since I had reserved this specific room for its gigantic bathtub I decided that should be my next move.  I filled the tub and got in... now it has been a looooong time since I took a bath... since my legs are so long I rarely have the opportunity to soak in a tub... so I soaked for a few minutes and then wondered what all the fuss is about... I was hot... the water was hot and the room was hot... and to be honest...I was... bored... so... I got out of the tub... got some cold water to drink, turned the heat way down or the AC on, I don't know which, put a cd in the room's dvd player...not just any cd by the way... the soundtrack to Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grille... the show I saw in NYC last spring, that was AMAZING... I got back in the tub got comfy, closed my eyes and listened... I heard Audra MacDonald portraying Billie Holiday... and I was taken back to that show... to sitting at the table closest to the stage on which she performed... and I could picture her expressions, her body language... and I was able to relax... It was NICE.... after the cd ended I decided I should decide if I wanted to go out to dinner or go get some snacks... and since the room had a dvd player decided a movie or two would also be a good option... though I rarely sit and watch a movie because that usually leads to multitasking...emailing, facebooking, etc... I decided I should go out to dinner AND have some snacks for later... I ended up having dinner at the bar in the hotel and it was pretty good.  The Bruins game was on and there were a couple of English blokes at the bar drinking girly drinks and asking the bartender to experiment with various combinations... it was quite entertaining... but I was drawn back to my room and took another bath... yes, that's right... two baths in one night... and while in the tub, watched a movie... or part of one at least... (the tub was in the main part of the room.) 
I did end up texting a bit after the second soaking... and watched all of both movies... and felt pretty good...
I need to do more to relax....on a regular basis... and need to make it a priority... We all should... so... do something just for you, and do it soon!