In the town where I grew up there were two grocery stores, Shop'n Save and Lounsberry's. Shop'n Save was the bigger, traditional grocery store, on the outskirts of town. Lounsberry's was a smaller market, located more in the center of town. I remember shopping at both stores with my parents and visiting Lounsberry's when my sister worked there as a cashier. Lounsberry's had character... a small store, owned by a local businessman who was the father of one of my classmates. The store had the automatic doors that swung open when you stepped on the mat. The floor in the aisles were uneven, unlevel, and sometimes made noise when you walked on them. The shelves, if I remember correctly, were wooden... and I seem to recall a sense of familiarity there...I remember a lot about that store...It has been closed for years and one of those chain pharmacy stores is in its place... the other store, the bigger one in town, Shop'n Save, was pretty non descript. I think I remember orange and white tiles on the floor... this store was renovated a few times so I don't really have clear pictures of what it looked like. One memory I have about both places was the process of checking out. At Shop'n Save I remember my mother conversing with the cashier and with the grocery bagger. I remember the bagger asking my mother, or grandmother, whoever I was with.... if they needed or wanted help getting their groceries from the store to the car. At Lounsberry's it seems that I remember the bagger wouldn't ask that question, but instead would just put the groceries in the cart and start pushing it out the door toward the parking lot in anticipation of getting directions to the car in which the groceries would be loaded.

Another memory that stands out to me about Lounsberry's is that many older people in the community shopped there. It was smaller, easier to maneuver around in, and closer to town, which meant less driving or walking for some... As the Shop'n SAve got more popular in town, which probably caused Lounsberry's to go out of business, I remember `my grandmother preferring to shop at Lounsberry's because of it's personal approach.

The last couple of times I have been at the grocery store where I regularly shop, a big box chain grocery store... it seems that I have seen several elderly people there... shopping alone... looking fatigued... seeing them in the parking lot walking those extra steps from the handicapped parking spot their cars are parked in to return their carts to the place they belong... because they are of that generation that does what they should do... the right thing... even if it means more fatigue...The timing has yet to be such that I can offer help, by taking the cart to one of the cart storage thing...

We hear on the news, that there are more elderly people than ever... people are living longer. Yet, these big grocery stores, and even big hardware stores... are not accommodating people. Grocery stores should still at least offer to take someone's groceries to the car, especially for older people. I mean... look around, the next time you go shopping... notice the elderly people who are walking slowly, who are so tired from having to walk around such large stores...
at least there is a bench near the checkout of the store I go to, and often older people sit on the bench for a while to catch their breath to make the trek to their car.

What has happened to customer service? To looking out for each other? Especially our elders? Shame on you, grocery stores... for not helping people take their groceries to their vehicle and then taking the cart back.... I have made a mental note to try to time things when an older person is leaving a store and offer to help them. I can't wait to see how they react... maybe I will also start getting behind an older person and suggesting to the bagger that they escort the person to their car...

Triggers

My Dad and I headed to NY to spend Christmas with my sister and her family. Our hotel room was on the third floor and when we got into the elevator the floor was carpeted... and it immediately reminded me of the elevator in the hotel that was attached to the hospital where my mom had her surgeries... where my dad, sister, and I spent much time.... The elevator had a carpeted floor and placed upon it each day was a smaller rug that had the day of the week written on it... which somehow helped us keep our sanity and helped us keep track of the days... people who have spent any amount of time in a hospital or staying close to someone who was in the hospital, know how crazy the time gets... hard to keep track of... So when I see carpeted elevators I think of the days of the week carpet...and of the hotel attached to the hospital... and how miserable we all were...

While in NY for Christmas...I mentioned it to my dad in one of our elevator rides and he had forgotten the day of the week rugs... and I regretted reminding him of it... it seemed to change his demeanor somehow... we try hard to be okay, to have moved on.. but there are triggers... things that jump out at us and remind us of all that was endured... After reminding Dad of the days of the week carpets we started using the stairs at the hotel instead of the elevator... just one of those things.

It was good to be together for Christmas, good to be with my sister and her family. The excitement that the kids had for Christmas eve and Christmas day was fun... they are good kids... all three of them are similar in many ways, yet have their distinct personalities... the oldest is very focused... loves to read and can spend hours making a project including an origami creation he spent hours working on, building, taking apart, and rebuilding... without frustration... I would have thrown it in the trash! The middle nephew is a free spirit, goes wherever the wind takes him and sometimes the wind blows pretty strongly, as he changes direction often and quickly. He is a very smart kid to whom m any things come easy...yet he struggles to keep himself in control at every turn... and the youngest... he's kind of been the one most difficult to describe... he's the youngest and plays that card at times, wants so badly to be like his older brothers yet loves to be coddled and cuddled... he is also smart, and has a sweetness and innocence underneath his pouty exterior... I adore them all.

My mom would have loved seeing the boys and how they have all changed. She would have been right in the mix with us all, making candy, decorating cookies, and playing games...

And we started a new tradition... or perhaps it will become a tradition... it was actually one of my favorite parts of the trip... apparently there is a tradition in certain parts of upstate NY and other places too... where a pink peppermint pig is passed around a table... each person at the table says something they are thankful for or something prosperous that has happened to them in the last year and then hits the pig with a hammer... this smashes the pig into pieces and the pieces are shared... with the hopes that the good fortune will continue... Dad's friend/girlfriend sent it with Dad for us all to share. It was a nice addition to our time together.

Christmas...

I have not decorated for Christmas this year... I have one thing hanging on my wall, that has been there since last Christmas... a slate my mom painted that has a Santa on it, sitting in a wooden chair, examining his list... and I am sure, checking it twice. I hung it last year not because it was Christmas... but because my mom loved Christmas... The last few Christmases have been hard... Last year was the first Christmas without mom... the year before that was spent in the hospital following what was Mom's last surgery...and the one before that also involved the hospital in some way...

Last year Christmas came with dread and went with relief... Dad and I spent part of the day with his side of the family and it was lovely...but, to be brutally honest, I had forgotten about how the day was spent. One of my friends said something about if Dad and I were going to once again be with my Aunt and other relatives... it was kind of one of those, "oh, yeah..." moments... I am not sure I could have recalled that information without my friend prompting that memory...I mentioned it to Dad and he had not remembered the day either. I think last year we were both focused on 'being okay' about the holidays and worked hard to not be sad in front of each other... and I think the consequences of that, was that we went through the motions of the day without really experiencing any of it. I feel guilty about it because my Aunt, Donna, did a great job at welcoming us into her home and invited people to join us and people were kind enough to oblige. She is a wonderful host, presents food in delicate, elegant ways, and makes even a snack a dining occasion... I am grateful for her... for the kindness she extended to Dad and me last year... Thank you, Donna. In thinking about it... I remember that I had coaching obligations, a track meet the day after Christmas.... which gave me a much wanted reason to return to my apartment/life, and leave Christamas behind me. Of course there was guilt about abandoning Dad, but there was part of me, and I am sure part of him too, that was relieved to have my own space to just feel the numbness of it all without having to interact with anyone... sounds kind of selfish I suppose... but it's the truth...Two years ago, on Christmas, I remember resenting people... people who were able to celebrate the holiday season, when my family was reeling...

So as this year's holiday season approached I noticed I was not feeling resentful or numb... I was appreciative of the festivities, the lights, and the music... and gave myself permission to either decorate for xmas or not... Being candid... I do have to say that this year, when I have been writing things about this holiday, I have referenced December 25th as xmas... which in the past upset me...not because I am religious, but because I did think that people forget the reason for the celebrations...but... this year 'xmas' feels like a short cut... and it feels easier somehow... not sure I can articulate it well, but it feels like xmas makes it less complicated... gives me permission to 'x' out things I don't want to endure or think about... I kind of expected that I would decorate... but as the time passed and life got busy, I didn't. Yes, I can blame it on my schedule, my graduate work and responsibilities... but I could have found time, if that's what I truly wanted to do. But... I have really enjoyed seeing what other people have done to celebrate, the lights, the sentiments... and am okay with it being christmas... I am sad at times, still missing my mother.. still very intense at times, heartwrenching... and I do get sad... Mom loved the spirit of Christmas... and she would never leave Christ out of Christmas... but this holiday, I am not sad... I wouldn't say I am happy either... but I am... just am... not numb...and I like that.

My students are so exicted about Christmas... although they have all shared their high levels of stress about it... they are excited... they are 6th graders... and think they are too old to still believe in Santa..but desperately want to believe...I have enjoyed allowing myself to see it through their eyes... they are good kdis... really good kids. Some have warm supportive homes, some will have ample packages under their trees... some will fall asleep xmas eve to their parents, or a parent and their significant other, fighting... some will ask Santa for a shorter vacation so that they can go back to school where they feel the most safe and secure... but they all want to believe... not necessarily in Santa... but in the idea of him... a man who brings joy, happiness, and things one can only dream of...

The last couple of years, I have not believed... this year.. I want to believe... and maybe next year... maybe next year Christmas will bring with it joy, hope, and the ability to believe...