Christmas...

I have not decorated for Christmas this year... I have one thing hanging on my wall, that has been there since last Christmas... a slate my mom painted that has a Santa on it, sitting in a wooden chair, examining his list... and I am sure, checking it twice. I hung it last year not because it was Christmas... but because my mom loved Christmas... The last few Christmases have been hard... Last year was the first Christmas without mom... the year before that was spent in the hospital following what was Mom's last surgery...and the one before that also involved the hospital in some way...

Last year Christmas came with dread and went with relief... Dad and I spent part of the day with his side of the family and it was lovely...but, to be brutally honest, I had forgotten about how the day was spent. One of my friends said something about if Dad and I were going to once again be with my Aunt and other relatives... it was kind of one of those, "oh, yeah..." moments... I am not sure I could have recalled that information without my friend prompting that memory...I mentioned it to Dad and he had not remembered the day either. I think last year we were both focused on 'being okay' about the holidays and worked hard to not be sad in front of each other... and I think the consequences of that, was that we went through the motions of the day without really experiencing any of it. I feel guilty about it because my Aunt, Donna, did a great job at welcoming us into her home and invited people to join us and people were kind enough to oblige. She is a wonderful host, presents food in delicate, elegant ways, and makes even a snack a dining occasion... I am grateful for her... for the kindness she extended to Dad and me last year... Thank you, Donna. In thinking about it... I remember that I had coaching obligations, a track meet the day after Christmas.... which gave me a much wanted reason to return to my apartment/life, and leave Christamas behind me. Of course there was guilt about abandoning Dad, but there was part of me, and I am sure part of him too, that was relieved to have my own space to just feel the numbness of it all without having to interact with anyone... sounds kind of selfish I suppose... but it's the truth...Two years ago, on Christmas, I remember resenting people... people who were able to celebrate the holiday season, when my family was reeling...

So as this year's holiday season approached I noticed I was not feeling resentful or numb... I was appreciative of the festivities, the lights, and the music... and gave myself permission to either decorate for xmas or not... Being candid... I do have to say that this year, when I have been writing things about this holiday, I have referenced December 25th as xmas... which in the past upset me...not because I am religious, but because I did think that people forget the reason for the celebrations...but... this year 'xmas' feels like a short cut... and it feels easier somehow... not sure I can articulate it well, but it feels like xmas makes it less complicated... gives me permission to 'x' out things I don't want to endure or think about... I kind of expected that I would decorate... but as the time passed and life got busy, I didn't. Yes, I can blame it on my schedule, my graduate work and responsibilities... but I could have found time, if that's what I truly wanted to do. But... I have really enjoyed seeing what other people have done to celebrate, the lights, the sentiments... and am okay with it being christmas... I am sad at times, still missing my mother.. still very intense at times, heartwrenching... and I do get sad... Mom loved the spirit of Christmas... and she would never leave Christ out of Christmas... but this holiday, I am not sad... I wouldn't say I am happy either... but I am... just am... not numb...and I like that.

My students are so exicted about Christmas... although they have all shared their high levels of stress about it... they are excited... they are 6th graders... and think they are too old to still believe in Santa..but desperately want to believe...I have enjoyed allowing myself to see it through their eyes... they are good kdis... really good kids. Some have warm supportive homes, some will have ample packages under their trees... some will fall asleep xmas eve to their parents, or a parent and their significant other, fighting... some will ask Santa for a shorter vacation so that they can go back to school where they feel the most safe and secure... but they all want to believe... not necessarily in Santa... but in the idea of him... a man who brings joy, happiness, and things one can only dream of...

The last couple of years, I have not believed... this year.. I want to believe... and maybe next year... maybe next year Christmas will bring with it joy, hope, and the ability to believe...