mumbo jumbo...

Life gets a little crazy... it's already November 11th... Veteran's Day... I do of course want to recognize the men and women who have served in our military and the families of the soldiers who serve... but to be honest, my thoughts today were more about the upcoming holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's been something that has been weighing on my mind, but... today I drove by the local hardware store and they had their fence type thingys all set up... ready to support the Christmas trees that will be for sale.

I do have a lot of happy holiday memories, but as a single, chronically single person, the holidays also can bring a sense of lonliness... and this year... I am not sure I am up for celebrating... but know I will somehow survive them... I think last New Year's Eve was one of those moments that life hit me hard... I was at Sara and Phil's house with friends and as midnight struck and people were celebrating and kissing, I found myself facing the year that would take my mom from me...and I tried to disappear from the party...

The firsts after losing mom have been hard... and this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. Last Thanksgiving was so bitter sweet... we had our annual family gathering and my sister, her husband, and her kids all came up. Mom had a decent day, feeling pretty good.... she was so happy to see my sister and her family... I remember being in the truck with her when we all met up for the first time that day, and mom was like a little kid, even clapping her hands at one point, so excited to see them...the pictures of mom at last year's Thanksgiving show her smiling ... but we also had a pretty good idea that it would be her last Thanksgiving and it was. She knew it too, I am sure, but as always, she put on her happy face and somehow brought light to the day... for everyone there. After dinner with Dad's side of the family, we all returned to my parents' house. (Me, Mom, Dad, Sis, her husband, and the boys.) The next couple days were spent with having the boys doing crafts to decorate the Christmas tree. Mom loved having the boys decorate the tree for her. My mom loved the music of Christmas... LOVED it...she sang it to herself, had cds galore of Christmas music.... Last year, Christmas was spent in the hospital...Mom's final surgery was a few days before and offered us a last ray of hope that the tumor could be removed... false hope... The hospital did a good job at making the place look festive...but it is not a good place to be on Christmas. I'm not sure what this year's Christmas will hold... I will be with Dad, that's for sure... wherever he feels he needs to be, but.. I did request that it not be at a hospital... and he agreed.

I think that the idea of the holidays approaching has been in my head a lot, but not necessarily at a conscious level... I was invited by some of my friends, to attend an annual Christmas concert that is beautiful... we went together last year and the thought was that it would become our family of friends tradition... and when I received that invitation, I froze... I don't want to be a scrooge, but I definitely don't think sitting in a beautiful auditorium with my friends and their kids listening to beautiful music... would not be good... so I turned down the invitation... This is the second Christmas since I have been living in this apartment, and I didn't do any decorating last year... and am thinking that I don't want to decorate this year either... but I did catch myself wondering where a tree would best fit...so many of my decorations were made by my mom... ugh... good and bad there...

So... I think I am struggling with the holidays coming... but am still trying to take care of myself and have taken some more steps to do that... I have found another Zumba instructor who I really like so I will be adding her class once a week... totaling 3 classes/week of Zumba plus gym visits... and last week I met with a new doctor.

My last doctor moved away, to Pennsylvania, leaving me doctorless... the office said I could simply move to another doctor there, but... I had been contemplating leaving there anyway... whenever I have needed referrals, it has been a huge battle, and after my last appt. in Boston, I told myself I should change doctors offices... so my doc leaving is kind of a good thing... So I met with a new doctor, who I liked a lot. She was actually my first doctor when I moved to this area, but when she relocated her office to a town 20 minutes away, I decided not to go with her... but, I am happy to have returned to her... our first appointment was just a sitting down, getting to know you kind of a thing... I had typed up a list of medical history and also had typed up some of my concerns... I was afraid that if I didn't write it down, that I would chicken out and not talk to her about everything I should... so we talked about family history including mom's battles with cancer, kidney and colon... and talked about how we can try to be proactive in dealing with cancer... I am disappointed because she told me there is no definite screening tool for kidney cancer... but she is going to regularly monitor my kidney functions... so that's something at least. But I left her office, with a physical scheduled, complete with bloodwork... and feeling good about really talking candidly with her about my fears and wanting her to help me be proactive in my health. So I am proud of myself for that.

So... as the holidays approach... I may become different shades of blue... but I will be okay... and will come out on the other side... having another set of 'firsts' under my belt...