I found my Wizards of Oz...

I have been making good on the promise I made to myself about finding better balance between my life outside of work and my work life... Last weekend I got some gal pals together to go out for dinner and then a couple of beverages... it was nice to be out with friends... feeling support of my friends was helpful... and being out reaffirms that being single is tough...but also better than being with someone for the sake of being with someone... and there are a lot of someones I am glad I am not with!  Then this week Jacey and I went to a Broadway show ... well... a traveling Broadway show... We saw American Idiot... filled with the songs from the Green Day album with the same name... It was a good show... I really enjoy theater... This performance reminded me a bit of RENT.. my all time favorite Broadway show... the plot was about friends whose lives go in different directions... all of whom have their own struggles... I haven't listened to my American Idiot cd in a while... but I think it is time to dust it off and do a little rocking out!  (Green Day is not my usual genre of music, but sometimes you just need some louder, harder music!)  I had also decided that I was going to go out tonight... it's the first Friday of the month... which means my town is filled with art!  and art lovers!  I had debated about inviting friends to go with me, but had determined that I needed a night, by myself... to be out... and to be okay being out alone... A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks... the relationship I spoke of in the last blog... was significant for me... and knowing it is over... really over this time... still makes my eyes fill up and gets me feeling pretty blue... but...  I know my faithful blog readers will be surprised... I have been thinking about it... A LOT... my sister said... after she began dating after she and her husband separated... that each 'relationship' leaves you with something good... (sometimes more than one... that's my addition.. not hers...)  she used the example of someone she dated teaching her how to make a proper omelette.... Years ago I lived with a man... and though there are few things I choose to remember...there is one thing that has stuck with me... in the midst of a conversation he said something to me... and I couldn't discern in the moment if his comment was meant to be a compliment or if it was just an observation... but... I do, to this day, see it as one of the best compliments I have ever received... after knowing each other for a while... after he had met and spent time with  my family, some friends, and had attended some work events with me... he told me that I am me... no matter who I am with... that I am always me... that I don't change who I am around different people... now.. knowing what I grew to know about him... I think perhaps he recognized this in me because he himself was not always a confident person... he was quiet most of the time... passive even... but when he played in his band he was outgoing and charismatic... that side of him, the confident side, was my favorite side.. He often had a hard time feeling comfortable in different situations, especially ones with which he was unfamiliar... so having him tell me that I am me... in any setting... with any company... was...and continues to be.. empowering... I know who I am... of course I have moments where life hands me crappy situations...but in those moments... I am me... I know what I believe is right... and what is wrong... I know how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others... I truly don't care what people think of me... at least the people who don't know me... and the people who do know me... their opinions are heard... So from that relationship I got to see that my sense of who I am is apparent to people...when I choose to let me be seen...
I think I am a pretty good combination of my parents... in many ways... For those who knew my parents before mom got sick... would tell you that Dad was quiet... and reserved and Mom was outgoing, funny, and could hold a conversation with anyone... Depending on the situation and my mood... I see both of them in me... The irony... I think... is that for me I am more confident when I am with groups of people I know... that's when my Mom comes out... when I am out, maybe on a night like tonight, where I sometimes, despite being 6'6", like to blend in with the crowd, be in the background... take it all in... and ponder... I think ironically, I have become good at 'hiding' when I am out.  Because of my size people react strongly to me in various settings... and in this part of the world... those reactions are often not positive...(unlike NYC where I get marriage proposals!)  I have, for lack of a better word, conditioned myself to be ready for the reactions... I have my one liners ready when people ask if I play basketball, if people ask if my parents are tall, if I have brothers (rarely do they ask about sisters!) And as Michael would point out... I look for my destination and get there quickly... So when entering a pub I strategize and get to a place to sit quickly... instead of walking in, looking around, seeing who is there, letting myself be seen (ok.. so people always see me... but letting myself be seen is different!).....
So tonight... I wanted to go to the Art walk... to be honest I intended to go to one gallery and to the museum... the gallery I wanted to go to displayed photographs taken by a man who kayaks and belongs to a kayaking group of which I am also a part... his pictures are taken while he kayaks... mostly... he had told people he was going to be there and I decided to support a fellow paddler and photographer.  I walked around the gallery and looked at his photographs... mostly 8x10s matted and framed... were priced at $200 a pop.... I sound arrogant when I  say this... but my pictures are better.  What I liked about them was that they evoked memories of my adventures... I could almost hear the water moving on the river...and the best part was I began to feel the warmth of the sun on my face... I am elated that kayak season will be here relatively soon... I debated about introducing myself... but then thought it rude not to... so I approached him... (knew it was him from photos he has posted on the kayaking group) and introduced myself.... he seemed to place me, but perhaps he was being polite... we chatted a bit about his pictures, I inquired about what kind of camera he uses... and he has some fancy equipment... and has a point and shoot... I smiled because my point and shoot exclusively... though I admit I am beginning to get curious about what a 'real' camera could do... His pictures were nice... tranquil... depicted the various seasons in Maine, mostly from the water... and it was apparent from the photographs that he takes pride in living here... and in exploring the area in which he lives.  Chatting with him came easily... and I suppose in that moment I made a conscious choice to let the side of me which is like Mom come out... After that I went to the museum... and for some reason wanted that experience to be a quiet one... so I channeled my inner Dad... I didn't avoid people's eye contact.. but didn't really invite conversation... and as usual, found myself standing in front of Dahlov Ipcar's painting, Blue Savannah... it continues to be the painting in the museum that pulls me in, every time... As I entered the museum and as I returned to the first floor I passed a man whose focus was directed at me... I did not get a great vibe from him and decided to discourage any direct interaction... I looked at him long enough to let him know I saw him seeing me... and also trying to get across that I am aware of my height and didn't need the likes of him reminding me as I was trying to enjoy my peaceful evening.... Of course, in my head, it worked... my subliminal message was communicated within the mili-second of eye contact we shared.  After leaving the museum I was feeling pretty good and decided to explore a bit more... and went into a couple of galleries... As I entered one I interrupted a conversation... one woman, the gallery owner, was joined by four men and they were talking about the Art Walk and the crowd it draws.. one of the men was saying he was always surprised that there are so many groups of people and so many couples and very few single people... (I Enter stage left!)  They all looked at me as I entered the gallery and smiled... and I smiled back... and said that there are some brave singletons among us... and those who show their courage should be greatly rewarded... they laughed and offered me some wine... I declined as I am not much of a wine drinker... (The galleries are allowed to serve wine on First Fridays!) That gallery was next to a local theater and the woman began talking about the band playing throughout the day, sound checks I suppose... the show had not started but the crowd was lined up down the street... I asked who was at the theater and she said "Arctic Monkeys"... I have no idea!  As I was leaving I passed many in the line to see that show.. and there, among the crowd were some of my students... I asked them who these Arctic primates were and they tried to describe them to me... and I promised to youtube them... mental note... google Arctic Monkeys... oh well... As I was walking on the sidewalk going to another gallery, a woman on the opposite side of the street fell... she was older, looked homeless, with a small metal wheeled cart.... I did not see anyone around at first and as I clumsily tried to cross the street was relieved to see other people had stepped in to help her.  Before I got to the other side of the street she was upright and reaching for the handle of her cart... there are good samaritans out there... I then went into another gallery... that was filled with photographs... What I have learned is that photography is an artform that I love... I am not sure if it is because I enjoy taking pictures and I can look at the photographs other people take and wonder if I would capture that moment in the same way... And I love photographs of people... I am not good at taking photos of people... I think I would need a better camera to do that.  someday maybe... Eventually I made my way to the Emerald City...

Yes... the Emerald City... there is a little shop here and it is adorable!  It is tiny...but has some great things... I did some Christmas shopping there and ended up buying a bracelet for myself... which I was wearing tonight... The shop was a bit crowded when I first entered but after making my way around I was the only customer... with three men... two of whom own the place, and are a couple... I have talked to them before... the third was an unknown entity to me... my bracelet caught their eyes and they began gushing about how nice it was to see someone wearing one of their products and pulling it off so well... the third man was very complimentary... he told me the teal seaglass matched my scarf and pulled out the blue in my eyes... and that the color of my winter coat, purple, was an excellent complimentary color and both the teal and the purple are colors I should wear often... they were making me blush and I enjoyed every minute of it... we then bantered about the Wizard of Oz... and about an art installment at another gallery in Maine that features much memorabilia from the Wizard of Oz... and they we somehow talked about the Princess Bride... the third man said the woman who played Princess Buttercup was also the woman who played Jenny in Forrest Gump... and I begged to differ... but after much effort on his part and on the part of the owners, with help from Siri...I was proven wrong... I hate losing... but it was fun... I found my Wizards of Oz in them...
they saw things in me that I don't always let out... I was playful with them... and looking back at it, as I write... was a lot like my mom in that situation... After following the yellow brick road... I decided to visit one last gallery... one which I have heard mentioned but had not managed to find before tonight... it was packed... There was a painting there by Angela Ferrari... the artist whose painting I adore and is hanging in my living room... I love seeing her work... As I walked around there were many other people mingling and looking at the art... one woman I recognized... she is homeless... carries her life on her back in a green army surplus bag... and she was looking intently at each piece... and I was grateful that one night a month the arts are available to all... freely... when she saw me... she approached me... and her opening line was that she had no intention of being rude, but that she saw me and wanted ot know if my family was made up of very tall people... I assured her I was from fine, vertically advanced genes... and she then asked if I was Scottish... Usually people ask if I am Irish... I liked her twist... After that I decided to call it a night... I had enjoyed myself... been social... social enough... and had managed to strike up conversations with a few people along the way... and I felt content... as I walked back to the parking garage... something in me felt settled... about being me... about being single... about living here... and that was a good note on which to end the night...

I'm gonna be okay... this heartbreak thing isn't easy... but... maybe this feeling I had tonight... of feeling settled... is something I haven't had in some areas of my life because my heart was elsewhere... hoping for other things... and maybe... living in the moment here, instead of waiting for those moments with him... will open up some new opportunities...