My head is spinning...

What a crazy time... tonight I had parent teacher conferences... 9 conferences.. everyone on the schedule showed up, which does not always happen. Tomorrow I have the other 5 conferences... It's always such an interesting thing... to sit down with the parents of the students with whom I have daily contact. I don't like to think of myself as a judgmental person... but I am... I make assumptions about what kind of home lives my students have based on their actions and interactions as well as appearance. One of the kiddos... who has already carved a niche for himself in my heart... came to his conference tonight and was so excited and proud to share his work with his parents. His parents... were NOT what I had expected...had his parents not walked in with him, I would not have ever picked them out of a crowd as being his parents. I expected that he came from a family that struggles financially... and that seemed to be the only assumption about which I was accurate. I had envisioned two parents who were pretty typical blue collar folks.. who would offer praise to their son... who would ask how they could help him improve in the areas needed... and expected to have that warm fuzzy vibe... after all... just a few weeks ago this kid brought in home made doughnuts, made by his grandfather, to share with our homeroom... which only enhanced my assumed vision as a Norman Rockwell-ish type family.... The people who walked in were different from one another, very different... and throughout the conference I tried to figure out which of his parents shared his wonderful traits... where does he get his gentle nature? His kindness? His smile? I still don't know. The father acted oddly... squinting as he looked around my classroom and avoided eye contact... he sat silently as his son shared work he has done well with...but it was more than sitting silently.. it was completely disengaged... and then the student said that he does not like math, and the father suddenly tuned in and sternly lectured him about how math was the most important subject there is, that he will use math in his every day life more than any other subject... this boy's demeanor... changed so completely in that moment....and remained altered for the remainder of the conference... his eyes went from looking at his work samples and at his parents seeking their approval, to looking at his work with doubt with his eyes darting back and forth between his parents, almost afraid of what they may say... or trying to re-engage his dad who had once again begun squinting and looking around randomly... I changed the subject and once again the father was disengaged until I mentioned something about how our school is working on bullying... and before meeting this boy's family, I had planned on telling them about an incident that this boy was involved in, where he passively bullied another kid... thinking that with the kind of family I had pictured, would have a healthy discussion with him about what's the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do... but... I just couldn't go there... was it because I was intimidated by this father? I don't think so... I think it's because I didn't want to throw the kid under the bus... This kid comes to me EVERY morning to say hello, not just coming into my room, but coming up to me to say good morning and to share a story of one thing or another...and when I talk to my homeroom, he is one of the kids in there who I can tell is really hearing what I am saying... He struggles academically, school is not something that is natural for him... and yet he seems to crave attention and praise from his teachers... so I couldn't do something that would cause him to see me as someone who told his parents something for which he would probably be demeaned for... my conversation will continue with him... and will include my choice to not share his action with his parents... hmmmm... and another student... whose older sibling I have coached... her parents were stoic... crazily stoic... yet their daughters are so animated and their personalities are so vibrant... it was like seeing Richard Simmons coming to a conference and learning that his parents were Ben Stein and Barbara Walters.... so interesting....

Oh... remember the light bulbs? I haven't heard anything about them since starting them a while back... until last night.... at a leadership team meeting in my building, one woman said, "And whoever started the light bulb thing, and I know it was someone in this room, brilliant!" Hmmm... maybe they are making their way around the building... should I add a couple more to the mix? Or just see what happens?

What else... there is some big news to report... My beloved Dad... is amazing... that's not the big news... the big news is that he has turned a corner. I think somehow he has given himself permission to relax and have some fun... and this has included going out on a couple of dates! Yes, dates... oh and I MUST mention... the woman who he is spending time with... is my 6th grade homeroom/home ec. teacher!!! How CUTE is that? Is it hard to think of my dad 'dating' someone? Of course. But not because I don't want him to spend time with someone... It's just another change...adjustment... step in the process of losing my mom... it's a good step though... My mom, gave us so many gifts... I remember her telling me that she had talked to Dad, even though he didn't want to have the conversation, about not living the rest of his life alone... and she told me too... that she wanted Dad to find companionship... and wanted my sister and I to support him in that... So... knowing how mom felt... is huge... One of Dad's best friends told him that the only approval he needs to 'date' was from my sister and I... and I told Dad that he already had the only approval he needs... Mom's. Do I still miss her? Terribly... so much sometimes that I close my eyes and try to hear her voice in my head... to hear her laugh... to envision her cracking herself up as she was telling a story or making a self proclaimed witty remark... knee slapping and all... Do I miss seeing the way Mom and Dad were together, before the cancer? You can't even imagine how much... But...things have happened as they have happened... and I want my Dad to be happy, to have a spring in his step, a grin on his face, and to laugh... and this recent beginning... allowing himself to take some steps forward... has brought some of those things back to him... that had disappeared for a long time... a long time... Mom died about a year and a half ago... her cancer began killing her much before that... and I will never forget the moment after my mother's first surgery to try to remove the tumor... when we were in the waiting room, assuming that the news was going to be good... when the surgeon told us there was nothing he could do...That moment.... changed EVERYTHING... from that moment... our lives changed... Dad's life changed... and I don't think he has had more than a moment or two since that day, where he could smile authentically....... and he is smiling... He had emailed my sister and I to tell us about the date and tell us that he hoped we would understand his choice to go out and that it did not, in any way, take away from Mom's memory... I am so happy for him, to take this step... but I also hurt for him, ache for him, because I know this is not easy for him... and that he has been feeling an internal struggle to follow his heart that for so long was only in one place... and to give himself permission to let his heart lead him... without having to protect or care take... I want him to enjoy the happiness, the giddiness, the butterflies... all that... but I do worry that he will, at some point after taking many steps forward will freeze and back away from it.... and if he does, that's okay... but I am sure this is hard for him... but I am glad for him... proud of him... Love you Dad!