Unsettled...

I finished up my parent teacher conferences yesterday. I have amazing kids in my homeroom. It is interesting to meet with parents and their children interact... after leaving school I had my blood drawn yesterday afternoon...as follow up to my blood clot...hopefully the last time I will need to do it. I have been on the blood thinners since early May and am ready to not be on them... ready to have a margarita... I then came home and debated about what I wanted to do on a Friday night.. I thought about a movie, looked to see what was going on locally... and thought about an event I had heard about through my drumming class... my instructor is part of a group called Inanna- Sisters in Rhythm. Her group was performing at a fundraiser, raising money to help fund a permaculture project in Sicily... I know nothing, well after last night I know a little, about permaculture. But... I wanted to do something last night and the fundraiser was going to end with a drumming circle, and invited any and all drummers to bring their drums. So I went, djembe and all...
I am not sure what I expected...and I have to say that for the first time in a long time I was acutely aware that I was there alone... which is ironic because the presentation included much about how we are all part of the earth and each other... which really was not what I was expecting... I was expecting a full on Inanna performance with a few snippets of information about this project... but there was a lot of talking about the permaculture stuff and not as much performing as I would have liked. The performance was held at a local church, a universalist Church. (Which to be honest intrigued me because I have, at times, thought of going to a service at a universalist church.) I had hoped that the performance would suck me in and make me forget the stresses of life and I found myself having to try to get sucked in... and as the music played, I enjoyed it. Many people around me were moved to get out of their seats (pews) and dance in the aisles. And I had such mixed feelings about them.. some people were really... moved by the music... I kept thinking that I bet the scene would be similar if I were at some crazy revival where people were speaking in tongues and flailing about... then I reprimanded myself for judgint those people who were able to let the music suck them in and to let go of any inhibitions they may have had...I was pretty determined to stay seated and just watch the band... and as the evening went on I relaxed. I did not get up and flail about, while the music was beautiful I found myself just wanting to watch the drumming, hear the sounds of the drums and just block out everything else.... and it worked... and then towards the end of the performance a woman, associated with the group of my instructor, got up and performed... not really singing, not really storytelling, but a combination of the two... her story was about mother earth and her children... kind of about people uniting, finding other people and bringing power to each other, together. She asked us all to get up and sing,chant, or echo what she was singing... and asked us all to hold hands forming a huge circle around the edge of the church... Not everyone got up to join, but I did... and held hands with two complete strangers... and it was good... thinking about how we don't connect with each other, especially strangers. And I relaxed a little. But admit that returning to my seat to watch the final song of the night was a relief. I don't know why I was unable to settle myself down enough to just breathe and take it all in, but I was very distracted. But then... the performance part of the night was over and it was time for the drum circle. I was excited to play my drum with probably 40 or so other drummers, all of whom I assumed had more experience than me... and it was COOL... so cool. We were given a starting beat to drum and then as we felt the beat, we all started doing out own rhythms on top of that central beat... and it was really awesome. I could hear my drum... hear the different intonations my instructor has been teaching me as I hit the drum in different ways... and I could hear my sound amongst the sounds of everyone else... and I liked it. There are drum circles, free, that happen around here a few times a month... and I am going to go when I can... THAT was my favorite part of the night.. banging on my drum... and feeling confident in my own rhythm... it's something I used to be really good at... being the single person in the room, comfortable with that... going out to eat solo, and being comfortable with that... Life has been busy and hectic and crazy for a while... and I think that things are settling in some ways, while still very hectic in others... and spending time with myself, without having so much on my mind hasn't happened in a while... I mean, I have things on my mind, but it's stuff for me, work, coursework, but it is different than being unsettled about my mom.... I am still grieving, don't foresee that ever stopping... but it is in a different phase or stage I suppose... and I think that for so long I have been worrying about things, being on edge all the time... that being on edge has become normal to me... and when given a chance to just breathe and take it all in... it's like I have forgotten how to do that... but I think last night... the drum circle... helped me take a step forward... in my own time... my own rhythm...

The picture is from Manas Roy (http://fineartamerica.com/featured/woman-with-african-drum-manas-roy-.html)

My head is spinning...

What a crazy time... tonight I had parent teacher conferences... 9 conferences.. everyone on the schedule showed up, which does not always happen. Tomorrow I have the other 5 conferences... It's always such an interesting thing... to sit down with the parents of the students with whom I have daily contact. I don't like to think of myself as a judgmental person... but I am... I make assumptions about what kind of home lives my students have based on their actions and interactions as well as appearance. One of the kiddos... who has already carved a niche for himself in my heart... came to his conference tonight and was so excited and proud to share his work with his parents. His parents... were NOT what I had expected...had his parents not walked in with him, I would not have ever picked them out of a crowd as being his parents. I expected that he came from a family that struggles financially... and that seemed to be the only assumption about which I was accurate. I had envisioned two parents who were pretty typical blue collar folks.. who would offer praise to their son... who would ask how they could help him improve in the areas needed... and expected to have that warm fuzzy vibe... after all... just a few weeks ago this kid brought in home made doughnuts, made by his grandfather, to share with our homeroom... which only enhanced my assumed vision as a Norman Rockwell-ish type family.... The people who walked in were different from one another, very different... and throughout the conference I tried to figure out which of his parents shared his wonderful traits... where does he get his gentle nature? His kindness? His smile? I still don't know. The father acted oddly... squinting as he looked around my classroom and avoided eye contact... he sat silently as his son shared work he has done well with...but it was more than sitting silently.. it was completely disengaged... and then the student said that he does not like math, and the father suddenly tuned in and sternly lectured him about how math was the most important subject there is, that he will use math in his every day life more than any other subject... this boy's demeanor... changed so completely in that moment....and remained altered for the remainder of the conference... his eyes went from looking at his work samples and at his parents seeking their approval, to looking at his work with doubt with his eyes darting back and forth between his parents, almost afraid of what they may say... or trying to re-engage his dad who had once again begun squinting and looking around randomly... I changed the subject and once again the father was disengaged until I mentioned something about how our school is working on bullying... and before meeting this boy's family, I had planned on telling them about an incident that this boy was involved in, where he passively bullied another kid... thinking that with the kind of family I had pictured, would have a healthy discussion with him about what's the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do... but... I just couldn't go there... was it because I was intimidated by this father? I don't think so... I think it's because I didn't want to throw the kid under the bus... This kid comes to me EVERY morning to say hello, not just coming into my room, but coming up to me to say good morning and to share a story of one thing or another...and when I talk to my homeroom, he is one of the kids in there who I can tell is really hearing what I am saying... He struggles academically, school is not something that is natural for him... and yet he seems to crave attention and praise from his teachers... so I couldn't do something that would cause him to see me as someone who told his parents something for which he would probably be demeaned for... my conversation will continue with him... and will include my choice to not share his action with his parents... hmmmm... and another student... whose older sibling I have coached... her parents were stoic... crazily stoic... yet their daughters are so animated and their personalities are so vibrant... it was like seeing Richard Simmons coming to a conference and learning that his parents were Ben Stein and Barbara Walters.... so interesting....

Oh... remember the light bulbs? I haven't heard anything about them since starting them a while back... until last night.... at a leadership team meeting in my building, one woman said, "And whoever started the light bulb thing, and I know it was someone in this room, brilliant!" Hmmm... maybe they are making their way around the building... should I add a couple more to the mix? Or just see what happens?

What else... there is some big news to report... My beloved Dad... is amazing... that's not the big news... the big news is that he has turned a corner. I think somehow he has given himself permission to relax and have some fun... and this has included going out on a couple of dates! Yes, dates... oh and I MUST mention... the woman who he is spending time with... is my 6th grade homeroom/home ec. teacher!!! How CUTE is that? Is it hard to think of my dad 'dating' someone? Of course. But not because I don't want him to spend time with someone... It's just another change...adjustment... step in the process of losing my mom... it's a good step though... My mom, gave us so many gifts... I remember her telling me that she had talked to Dad, even though he didn't want to have the conversation, about not living the rest of his life alone... and she told me too... that she wanted Dad to find companionship... and wanted my sister and I to support him in that... So... knowing how mom felt... is huge... One of Dad's best friends told him that the only approval he needs to 'date' was from my sister and I... and I told Dad that he already had the only approval he needs... Mom's. Do I still miss her? Terribly... so much sometimes that I close my eyes and try to hear her voice in my head... to hear her laugh... to envision her cracking herself up as she was telling a story or making a self proclaimed witty remark... knee slapping and all... Do I miss seeing the way Mom and Dad were together, before the cancer? You can't even imagine how much... But...things have happened as they have happened... and I want my Dad to be happy, to have a spring in his step, a grin on his face, and to laugh... and this recent beginning... allowing himself to take some steps forward... has brought some of those things back to him... that had disappeared for a long time... a long time... Mom died about a year and a half ago... her cancer began killing her much before that... and I will never forget the moment after my mother's first surgery to try to remove the tumor... when we were in the waiting room, assuming that the news was going to be good... when the surgeon told us there was nothing he could do...That moment.... changed EVERYTHING... from that moment... our lives changed... Dad's life changed... and I don't think he has had more than a moment or two since that day, where he could smile authentically....... and he is smiling... He had emailed my sister and I to tell us about the date and tell us that he hoped we would understand his choice to go out and that it did not, in any way, take away from Mom's memory... I am so happy for him, to take this step... but I also hurt for him, ache for him, because I know this is not easy for him... and that he has been feeling an internal struggle to follow his heart that for so long was only in one place... and to give himself permission to let his heart lead him... without having to protect or care take... I want him to enjoy the happiness, the giddiness, the butterflies... all that... but I do worry that he will, at some point after taking many steps forward will freeze and back away from it.... and if he does, that's okay... but I am sure this is hard for him... but I am glad for him... proud of him... Love you Dad!

The Marathon...year 2

So do two halves make a whole? What about two half marathons? Does that make a whole marathon? I'm not sure if two halves, in marathon terms, equals a full. 13.1 miles is way different than 26.2. So participant in this year's half (in my crew anyway) was me, Jamie, Jaime, and Suellen. My blog followers know that Suellen is a good friend who lives really close to me and we often hit the gym together. Jamie and Jaime... I went to high school with them both, they were a year behind me. This is us BEFORE the race...notice how smiley and optimistic we are!!!



It was the perfect day for doing this race, cool and sunny with a slight breeze. I admit that at a few points I was a little chilly. Last night Sue and Jaime(1) and I had dinner together, the other Jamie wasn't able to join us. Jaime (1) was pretty confident. She recently ran an entire 10k without walking and also completed a sprint triathalon. (Which...for the record, may be my next thing!) Sue was a little nervous, like me she had not done any exercise since completing the 10 k a couple weeks ago. Jaime (2) was pretty nervous. She had sent us emails earlier in the week saying that she wasn't going to do it... but we had other plans... we told her to walk it instead of running it and she seemed to feel better, but was still very nervous. We all met at the start line this morning... Ironically Jamie (2) found Jaime (1) before she found me in the crowd! I know, I couldn't believe it!



The start line... is always sooo exciting...there are soooo many people. I forget how many there were this year... but they capped the number of people who could participate. We started toward the back of the crowd because our times are not considered fast... ha.. imagine that!

My goal for this year's race was to complete it in under 4 hours. My time last year was 3 hours and 38 minutes... but the last six weeks have been soo busy for me that I have not devoted much time to training. So I figured that it would be pushing it to try to compete with my time from last year. But as it worked out I was pretty driven... my pace for the first five miles was 16 minute miles.. I was happy with that. I was hoping to maintain that pace and was able to pretty much keep it there until mile 11 and 12... mile 11 was okay... I actually tried to pull ahead of Jaime (2) and did for about a half mile, but wasn't too far ahead of her and then decided to finish with her since we had walked it all together...and I thought I could keep her at my pace... while I was ahead of her I started talking with a guy from Boston who was walking his first half. Jamie (2) and I kept passing him and being passed by him throughout the race. Once I got up to him and started going by him again, I think he decided that he would use me to keep his pace. As we approached mile 12... I really wanted to quit. Truly. Done... D - O - N - E... I could have stopped there and been fine... except I would have been mad at myself later... the last 1.1 miles of this race... I'm not gonna lie.. it sucked! It was HARD... Jamie (2) somehow got a second wind (also known as the appearance of hubby and 2 kids, one of which jogged the last .75 miles with her) decided to jog the last part of the race, and she pulled ahead of me... leaving me and Mr. Boston... Mr. Boston had hit the 12 mile wall hard, like I had... and he was full of comments about how hard that wall was and how his body wanted to disobey his mind... I kept trying to speed up to get in front of him, but... my legs, like his, were disobedient... the spectators on the sides of the road were cheering us on, telling us it was ONLY another mile, ONLY another half mile, ONLY another 2/10 of a mile.... Their encouragement is nice... but I so wanted to tell them to go walk 12.9 miles and then have the finish line seem sooo far away.... but... I finished... and with no official time yet, I believe I will have finished in about 3 hours and 34 minutes... so about 4 minutes less than last year... man oh man... if only I had not been a slacker the last 6 weeks... I could have done close to 3 and a half hours... maybe less... that's a good goal for next year... when I won't have my internship to focus on... This is us at the end of the race... We mask the pain well... we were elated... Jaime (1) finished in just over her 3 hour goal, Sue finished ten minutes under her time from last year...and Jamie (2) finished her first half marathon and says she will do it again! A Good day... and It did not escape my mind... that once again, by doing this half marathon, I am reminding myself that PVNS... does not control me.. my life... look how far I have come !


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I almost forgot to tell you... Before the race started.. I saw... my morning motivation.. OH YES I DID!! And we spoke! ahhh... wished each other well on the course... I am sooo gonna use that as water fountain talk next time I see him at the gym... ahhhh and he seemed to be there solo... no girlfriend cheering him on... Hmmmmmm... just sayin'!

What's a Djembe? and Marathon madness...

So in all of my free time this fall I have added something else to the mix! I am taking an African Drumming class. Years ago I saw a group of women who performed African drumming and it was amazing. Something about the music resonated with me and I told myself that at some point I would take lessons and be able to play music like that. I tried to make it work with my schedule last spring, but it just didn't work with my grad course schedule... so this time when I got the email I was determined to make it work. It is an 8 week session, and i have only been to one so far. It was fun... fun enough for me to go out and buy my own djembe, African drum. Here it is: It is actually my second djembe. I bought one and when I brought it home I was not happy with the sound... so I returned it. I then went to another drum shop and found this one. It is a little smaller than I expected I would find, but the sound is what I want...and it is made of wood, making it more authentic. So.. I have been banging on my drum. I can't wait to learn more and have been able to find some video lessons on youtube.

So... fall has arrived... There is a crispness in the air. The fall also brings the Maine Marathon... and once again I am walking it. I am much less prepared for it than I was last year because I have been so busy with my internship that I have not taken enough time in the last month and a half to walk... but I will be okay to finish the race.
I may not finish as quickly as I was hoping to finish, but I will finish. I am okay with that. Then next week I am going to get back into the routine of hitting the gym in the mornings and I look forward to that. Tonight I went out to dinner with Suellen and Jaime who are also doing the half marathon tomorrow. They are running... I am walking. Another friend, Jamie (yes 2 women with the same name...), will be walking with me. She and I went to high school together and haven't seen each other since. (or really been in contact since then.) So it will be nice to get a chance to get caught up. I think we should have enough things to talk about for four hours...


This is a picture of us at dinner... the lighting kind of sucks, but I like the picture. We were all laughing and looking forward to tomorrow's adventure! I will post pictures tomorrow!

My second 10k

So today I walked my second 10k race ever. (The first being last year's) I couldn't remember what my time was from last year and I didn't try to find it because I didn't want to intimidate myself. I did GREAT walking this summer, was doing a lot of miles and feeling great. Then, the internship and teaching took over and I really haven't walked in like a month. So, I was nervous for today, thinking that I was going to be last (which would be okay as long as I crossed the finish line of my own accord, not via an ambulance or something...) But, it went well. I am tired I am sore, and will probably be more so tomorrow... which is why I already scheduled a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow! My time today, unofficially, was 1 hour and 39 minutes, six minutes less than last year's time. I am pleased with that. If I can maintain that pace for the upcoming half marathon, my time will be close to last year's... but... I am trying to not put that kind of pressure on myself. Because I want to enjoy the half... and I was really pushing it today. This year's half will also have some different challenges ... last year my sister walked with me, side by side, so we were able to talk and it helped pass the time. This year, I am walking solo. I have a couple of friends who are also participating, but they are running/jogging and will be ahead of me. So, I may take my mp3 player to dance my way through the 13.1 miles... we'll see.

I was hoping to be lighter this year, by the time the half roleld around, but I am not... I was hoping to be able to jog it, but I can't. BUT... I will walk it, all of it, and will be thrilled to cross the finish line... BFA and all!

It's raining

I am sitting on my couch watching some shows I have recorded on my DVR... it's raining out... I like the sound of the rain tonight... I should probably be doing some journaling for my internship... but I have been working on some other things, more creative things for my internship... that I am excited about. My school is going through a bit of a rough time... people are stressed, very stressed... feeling defeated... historically our staff doesn't do a whole lot of 'warm fuzzy' things for one another. Those kind of things have been deemed "hokey." People have made efforts over the years to do things to try to improve our climate and often those efforts are thwarted because the 'eye rollers' in our staff have been able to squash the spirit of such efforts. So I am going to try again... People are feeling so badly right now that I feel like people are fading... so tonight I had an idea of somehow letting people know they are appreciated and I thought about giving people a message in a bottle... I thought of that because traditionally people put wishes into the bottles before tossing them out into the ocean, hoping they come true... and I think my staff needs some hope... so I went to the craft store and found these really funky little bottles shaped like light bulbs. What a great idea!!! (Yes I see the pun there...) So... I bought a few... (By the way the sticker says: DECORATION ONLY DO NOT PUT INTO LAMP SOCKET.... really? do people NEED that kind of warning? Oh well... I then searched for quotes about light... and found three that I really like:


“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same” – Nelson Mandela

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross quotes

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest” Unknown

So... I am making a tag for each light bulb jar, each has one of the quotes above and also the following message: Inside you will find a message from someone who has seen your ‘light.’ Know YOU are appreciated. After you take some time to recognize what others see in you, please, share your light. Put a new message inside this light-bulb and “shine it forward,” by passing it on to a colleague.

Hokey? Maybe... but it's worth a shot.

This is something that I am excited about... I get to be creative and try to change things, to make things better, two things I haven't felt capable of in the last couple of years...

I think the last couple of years were harder on me than even I realized... and maybe hardened me more than I realized as well. I had withdrawn from much of my life, and distanced myself most from work. Yes I loved my students the last two years, but the rest of it involved me going through the motions... and I don't think I had recognized just how far into the fog I had traveled. Recently I said to someone, I feel like I am waking up... that this summer, before really digging into my internship, I was able to relax and enjoy time with family and friends, people I love and who love me... and I started breathing, not to survive, but to live... there I go being cheesy again... And today one of my colleagues and I had a heart to heart... I went to ask her a question about one of the kids and she complimented me on some work I had done for my internship that I had to present at the staff meeting yesterday. Then she told me that she wanted to tell me something and that she hoped she could get through it without crying, which by the way neither of us did... but she told me she was so happy to see me... doing all that I am doing, to be doing it in true "Kim fashion"... she told me that she has seen how hard the last two years have been for me, how painfully hard it has been... and how hard it was for her and others to know there was little they could do to help me... She said that this year, even though she knows I am stressed with my job and internship, she said she is so happy to see her friend Kim back... and I totally knew what she meant...

So I think that the last two years, while I was disengaged, I did not lose myself, like I had feared.... I have just needed to conserve my energy and draw from the people around me...like the picture above shows the sun drawing water.... and now... I am finally able to give back... to let my energy rain down and see what grows from it! Am I stressed? Yup. Am I tired? Yup. Am I crazy busy? Yup. But you know the crazy part... I feel good...surprisingly energized and motivated... and yes my friend, Jill... breathing!

A positive correlation...

So I have noticed that the more stressed I am, the faster I talk... not necessarily at work or when I am presenting things at work... but in my every day conversations. The last month, month and a half has really focused on my internship... and other things have taken a back seat...this includes any semblance of a social life. Tonight my friend Meg called and said her soccer team was playing nearby and I should swing by if I had time... so I decided I needed to make time... she's ot coaching, really, she is helping to supervise the kids, so at the game we were able to chat while she was on the sidelines... and at one point I just kind of realized how fast I was talking and how much was coming out of my mouth... WOW... take a breath woman! I am exhausted, but enjoying the internship... I will write more soon!

Balance

It's all about balance.... Ohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm....

Seasons of Change...

There is, I suppose, a rhythm to things... beginnings and endings....Tonight marks the end of a season for me and the beginning of another... summer is ending for me, and school season is beginning... Each year before the first day of school I have some excitement, some anxiety, and this year I have managed to mix some creativity into it all... As this school year begins I can't help but wondering what the night before the first student day of school will feel like... because, I hope to be in a different role. I hope to be starting as an administrator. It is exciting to think about and also makes me nostalgic, knowing that this could be the last year I work this directly with students as a classroom teacher, special education teacher. I so love the work I am able to do with my students...I so dislove....making a new word perhaps, dislove the paperwork and meetings that surround it. I just want to teach. Yesterday I spoke to one of my former students and her mother who have recently moved to a southern state, so southern, that it is expected to end your responses to questions with Ma'am or sir... and that in their student handbook one can find that it is allowable to 'paddle' students if necessary... no I am not kidding. This student is an amazing young woman. She melted my heart for the last two years. She is in a shiny bubble as she bounces through her life... she sees things as great when people around her are concerned her bubble may burst...she compliments people in the exact moment when they need it most... her smile can melt ice faster than salt rocks...she loves drama and acting and we sing showtunes together from our favorite musicals. She gives people the benefit of the doubt to a point of concern... she trusts that people have her best interests at heart as she does for them. Academically, she has some strengths and some weaknesses. Math happens to be an area in which she struggles. Apparently in her new school there are no small groups for instruction in math. She has to go to the regular education class for math even though her skills are 2 years behind that of her peers. As a result, she is failing math. And because she is failing math, she is not allowed to take drama... So take a new kid in a new school, in a new town, and make her most challenging subject the ticket to getting into something she is so passionate about, drama? I am furious... If they pop her bubble... and her mom is starting to see signs of this girl not wanting to go to school... I will be very upset. Her mother gave me a huge compliment, telling me that since moving she had not seen her daughter as happy as she was when she was told I wanted to talk to her. How sweet. I am supposed to talk to her teachers tomorrow and hope I can talk some sense into them. I am all for challenging her, but she needs things explained differently than most kids do. So I think about this student and think about how she performed so well with me, largely in part to being so comfortable in my classroom... and knowing that I am a part of that on some level... is gratifying.. and I will miss it... but... I think that there are things I can do to make schools better overall that will benefit the kids. Last week I was part of staff presentations as part of our teacher days... my partners and I received so much positive feedback about how well organized the information was that we gave out and people eluded to the fact that they wished all the information was given out in that way... Today I emailed the staff some helpful, easy to read, schedules and have gotten great feedback on those as well. One of the comments I heard about our presentation and the materials my group had created was that even though what we presented is adding another component to their day, because we presented it so well and it was so clear to them what their responsibilities were, that it actually took weight off their shoulders. As an administrator I need to do that... keep up with teacher demands and make things streamlined... I also think it is a good sign that our building administrators have asked us if they can invite our Supt. to a meeting where we present to show him how well the program is going. (It's just starting...so we have to be patient!)

I must say I am overwhelmed.... very overwhelmed...at the time I have already devoted to just my internship. My presentation noted above was about an advisory program about which I am very passionate. Advisory programs have been around for many years. It's a way for every student to have at least one adult who really knows them, knows what they are about. It's a time in the schedule devoted to getting to know each other and building relationships while supporting academic and social needs. This will be an ongoing project and will take many more hours. In addition to that I was charged with redesigning the student handbook into a web friendly format. So... I am on my third formatting adventure... it has taken time to re-write pieces of the handbook, put it in an order that makes some sense... to me putting things in this order: attendance, bomb threat, bus rules, communicable diseases, and detention... does not make sense. So I rearranged the order, oh no not alphabetically? and I have updated some of the information about technology... and have been playing with the formatting... our school laptops are ibooks... Macs... which in case you don't know... I AM A PC, damn it! But I have been using the Mac... (the program pages, and open office - yuck) and have been using it well and find features I enjoy and some that drive me batty...but I think the best format for me to use is going to be WORD... Yup... PC programming being used on the mac. So we'll see if the tech folks can upload it.... This work, this internship work... is tedious... is time consuming... but I see the point of it. Preparing things well leads to less work later...

So my plight this year... is to balance... find the balance between staying in what I am doing and looking ahead too far into the future... I am excited about both... and look forward to a year that will be filled with so many lessons to learn. By the time I feel prepared for an administrator job... what season will it be in my life?

I blame my hormones, mostly.

I just came from seeing the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love..' based on a novel of the same name written by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's one of those stories about a woman trying to find herself. It was good... the scenery from Italy, India, and Bali...beautiful. It is a film that, I think, all can relate to... Hell, I was lost just trying to get into the movie. I knew the movie started at 3:10, and as that time passed and I was waiting in the theater watching all the trivia and other pre-movie images on the screen, I noticed that there were some people in the room about whose presence surprised me. I noticed women, not many alone, couples, and teenage boys... I felt bad for the men dragged there by their other halves, and was curious about why the young men were there... and then criticized myself for questioning them... thinking that perhaps they were there to expand their knowledge, quickly followed by my cynicism of, maybe they have to watch this for some summer class they are finishing up... by 3:15 I was annoyed that the movie had yet to start and decided to make a quick trip to the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to leave the film once it started. As I was about to re-enter the theater I noticed I was in the wrong theater... Eat, Pray, Love, was the next theater and I had entered the theater for 'Inception.' Idiot. I quickly went back inside and grabbed my sweatshirt and bottle of water and entered the right theater...which was much less full, and, for the record, no noticeable teenage boys... So I missed the first ten minutes of the movie... but I have read the book, and the story was easy to get into. I wanted something in the movie to touch me, to inspire me, to give me this feeling of motivation to seize the day... and the film was beautiful. Motivated? Inspired? Not yet... I think it's one of those films I will see a second time and will mull it about in my head for a while before I decide if those are the feelings it gives me... but I was touched by the film. Probably in ways that other people were not, I found my eyes watering in a couple of spots that were not the most dramatic scenes in the film... where I was reminded of things in my life that somehow have not ever made sense... to me anyway... Many years ago I had a dream, I woke up not remembering much about the dream, yet I knew what it meant. Typically when I dream, and I remember the dream, the images are very vivid, in color, with a story and many many elements... The dream that I thought of today was one in which I met, for the first time, the mother of someone who was/is important to me. In my dream this beautiful Indian woman extended her hands to me, and in them she held an orange flower. She was welcoming me somehow. At the time of my dream I remember I searched online for the orange flower I had seen in my dream, and did not find it. In the movie today, there is a scene, in India, where people have handfuls of orange flowers, not like the one in my dream, but it triggered this memory... and saddened me, because I doubt I will ever meet my friend's mother, though it is something over the years I have, well maybe not so much now, hoped for. In the movie the orange flowers were being put together in long strands to decorate for a celebration, a wedding... and it upset me...not the scene in the movie, but knowing I have held onto that image and that hope... for a long time. Wanting something that I have only been able to hold onto with my fingertips for so long. And wondering if I will ever stop trying to get a stronger hold and will let it go, truly let it go, let him go... or intentionally push him away for good. The movie is about this woman's experience with love, and how much of her life was spent in relationships with men or in ending relationships with men...and I found myself sarcastically thinking, "Poor you... you got married, got separated, fell for another man, finalized your divorce, leave the new man...only to have men swooning over you all over the world... rough life you have, lady." So maybe this beautiful film meant to inspire most people, made me feel sorry for myself. I blame my hormones, mostly. I am PMSing like crazy, eating everything in sight and wanting bad food,but my house is filled with crap like watermelon, cucumber, chicken, carrots, and hummus... so if I decide to have the bad food... I have to order in... which I may do... or maybe I'll go out...After all the title does include the word, Eat. My self pity about relationships is not something new. It's something I often feel and try not to dwell on too often... though it is hard when my world is filled with people who are part of a couple...not all happy couples, but couples... a couple of weeks ago some friends and I went out for girls night. There were 5 of us... 1 married, 1 practically engaged, 1 divorced and now in a stable relationship, and 2 single... we were sharing stories about relationships and while I was happy to have some recent dating adventures to share they all asked me about another man, the man I mentioned above, knowing that my heart is connected to his. We jumped around the table sharing funny stories and somehow we got on the topic of kids, having them.... my married friend has a son, six I think, and says she is done, has no desire to have any more. My divorced friend has a daughter, also about six, and she says she would have another, no doubt. (By the way I do not think of my friends according to their relationship statuses, but for the purpose of this post, I am ...) My practically engaged friend wants children, hopefully within the next 2-3 years. My single friend and I both said we would like the opportunity to have kids, but want the marriage piece first. A couple of my friends told me I shouldn't wait to get married to have a kid...and kind of joking, kind of serious, suggested I get inseminated... I laughed... no way Jose! IF I am going to be a single parent it would be through adoption, something I have considered... but to go through a pregnancy alone, no thanks. My friends in relationships said it would be fine... my single friend agreed with me, that having to go to appointments alone or having to go into labor alone would not be something we would want. My friends said they would all help... Good intentions.... I laughed and said that's easy for them to say because they are in relationships and 2 out of 3 of them are people who have had little time in their lives where they were not in a relationship... and have always had someone there to help with things... for example, I told them... that at some point this year I am supposed to have a colonoscopy... (Ok... not great dinner conversation, but it's real stuff here!) I am younger than most people who have to have that procedure done, but since my mother had colon cancer (a few years before the kidney cancer that killed her) I am supposed to get checked at the age of 35.... so that means not only do I have to go through that procedure, I have to have someone take me to the doctor's to have it done because they knock you out and you can't drive... so... I have to beg one of my friends to take me to the doctor and take me home afterwards... and while I do have friends that I am sure will be my 'getting my butt poked' buddy... it's something that I have to think about, ask for... not something my 'in relationship' friends have to give a second thought to... for them, it's built in... automatic... so for them to say I could go through something like having a baby, solo... well... not that I couldn't do it, but it would not be my first choice for starting a family. Am I jealous of those who are involved in relationships? Yes and No. Some have told me how lucky I am for being single, for having nobody to be responsible for, to check in with, to go where I want when I want... And some have told me that in their relationships they are...'miserable with'... miserable with their husband, boyfriend, responsibilities, etc.... Unlike most of my friends who have now been married or been with the same person for a third to half of their lives, I have been single for all of my life... with the exception of living with someone for a while and dating here and there... and for that man I mentioned above, who has been in my life, well, been in moments of my life, going on eleven years... but that doesn't count as a REAL relationship... and it won't ever develop into that... so... am I jealous?... maybe. I want a best friend who becomes my husband, the father of our children (though that window seems to be closing, sadly...) Do I understand why some people in relationships want out? Yes. But I guarantee, at some point, they will want back in... perhaps not with the same person... but... single... especially when you feel like you have a pretty good sense of yourself, when you feel like you want to love, to be loved, and to be held... single isn't the greener side of the fence.

There is a lot more in my head these days than just my relationship status... A recent email from the man I mentioned above, expressed some sadness about things going on around him, in the lives of people he knows and cares about... and he is philosophizing (may not be a real word, but oh well!) about life and god and what happens after we die. I was not, as I told him, the person to bring optimism and sunshine to that topic. I am still very much in the grieving process about my mother and still get upset at the unfairness of it all. God? no god? afterlife? no afterlife? I have no answers... Something stupid set me off the other day... and it shouldn't have. My sister is a poet, among many other titles, and she wrote a poem about a dream she had, in which my mother made an appearance. I know she has had at least one other dream about mom since she died... and it's not that my sister had a dream about Mom, or what the dream was about that set me off... but the fact that my mom has not been in my dreams...and I wish she would be...there was one dream in which, in my dream I was with my dad and I kind of sensed her presence, but that's it...and I miss her so much. As my mom was dying, my faith in God or god or something bigger than us all, gradually decreased...not that it was an abundant amount before...but I have always believed that people are connected, spiritually, that we maintain those connections even after people die... and in the past, when I have lost important people in my life, they have come into my dreams and it gave me a sense of peace about them... I haven't had that with my mom... and it upsets me because we were so close... and I still miss her so much... and I don't like the idea that maybe we aren't still connected.

The movie today left me with a thought that I may try to do... it was about missing people.... and the advice, terribly paraphrased was this: 'Miss them, think of them, send their way light and warmth and move on...' It's the moving on part that seems to get me...

Three Years Ago... today

Three years ago today I had surgery... to remove the diffuse pvns tissue from my left knee. That surgery was a pivotal moment for me. I had been in so much pain for a long time from the effects of pvns and was not only physcially in bad shape, I was emotionally exhausted. The days and weeks leading to the surgery caused mixed emotions in me, fear of course, who wants to have surgery? And fear that it wouldn't help.... Optimism, something I had not felt in a long time before that, that my knee may one day feel good and be strong... the day of surgery was easy on me, I was so drugged up that when I woke up I apparently asked why there was no Celtics player in my hospital bed with me... and the lovely epideral that was effecting the right side of my body more than the left so I kept pumping myself full of narcotics to alleviate the pain... the following days were tough, figuring out how to move and eventually stand. From there, I got home and the physical therapy really got going. There were hard days, MANY hard days... my parents were with me for a while to help out and my mom... she was there in the moments when I really did not want to get out of bed, when I really wanted to canncel the physical therapy appointment for the day... she kept me going... The physical therapy was painful, very painful as were the incisions... but looking back now... ALL worth it... ALL completely worth it. From what I have read and from what I have seen posted on the PVNS page on facebook, I am the exception to the rule. Thus far I have not had signs of recurrance and have been able to return to my 'normal' routine including being active.

Today, on my third anniversary of surgery I worked in the toll booths... the very hot and humid toll booth...and afterwards I met up with my friend, Sara, to go for a walk. We walked one of my favorite trails, walking about 3.5 miles. I was happy with that today given the heat and humidity... and I feel good about doing something active to celebrate my health...

I often think about other people who suffer with pcns, but more so today... and my heart goes out to everyone who has battled pvns, who have had surgery, and who have had recurrance... and about people being newly diagnosed... the road is different for everyone... and I know how lucky I have been.

Thanks to all who have supported me along the way! Today, I am GRATEFUL!

Life...

I learned yesterday that one of my great aunts passed away. She was 89. I spent very little time with her... and know her only through stories and photos posted on a family website that we have. Her pictures reminded me of her brother, my grandfather, for whom I had great affection, admiration, and of course love. So I associate her with my memories of him... perhaps projecting many of her qualities onto her. Like any family, ours has medical issues that we need to be aware of...One of the things we have is aneurysms. My aunt died, as did my grandfather, from an aneurysm. Just recently my aunt had decided to forgo a surgery that could have perhaps removed the aneurysm because she felt like she was able to live the kind of life she wanted to live, that a surgery, at her age, would be so hard to recover from and knew that she may have never get back to the point of health where she was without the surgery... and she was feeling good and wanted to continue to feel good... for as long as she could. I admire that. A lot. I am sure that choice was hard for her and for her family... but she lived her life on her terms... and I love that. It's beautiful. Her death does make me sad... not because of my personal connection with her, but because that generation of people in my family is disappearing... and what a generation it is. As that generation disappears many of our traditions are also disappearing... the art of storytelling, cooking from scratch, sewing, family values, time, appreciation of each other... it also is a moment where you realize that inevitably you are going to lose other people too... While I didn't know my Aunt Dot... I hope I am like her in ways... at least in the ways I perceived her to be...

Summer Vacation...

It's summer vacation... and while it started out being a little hectic... I have been able to have some fun... a lot of fun actually. The stressful start to summer involved finishing paperwork for my job and writing some papers for my graduate class and internship. But... then I have had the chance to go visit my dad up north, and have done a lot of activities inclucing kayaking and biking. I have been pretty dedicated to getting up early, 5:30 ish and heading to the gym or walking (M-F at least) and then later in the day often doing another activity like zumba, buking, or kayaking. I am very excited because I have been able to increase my mileage with walking up to 4 miles, as of today... this means that I am on track with my training for this fall's half marathon. My knee (not the pvns knee, but the knee whose IT band has been hurting) hasn't hurt... so I am sticking to the schedule and hoping for the best. Per the physcial therapist's orders I am avoiding walking on uneven surfaces like the beach. But my activity level is increasing...and I am happy. My back has been pretty tender, so I am being careful with it, icing it often and spending quality time with my chiropractor. I have a lot to do this summer, for my internship. Lots of hours working on school things... but I WILL continue to be active and enjoying this beautiful state. Here are a couple of pictures I took while kayaking yesterday.

Should have done better...

Life is hectic. I rarely screen phone calls, rarely forget to call people back... but on Friday I missed a call... from my best friend from high school, Todd. We have grown apart like we swore we never would... but we still talk once in a while. When my mom died, he came... so Friday I missed his call... and he didn't leave a voicemail... in my head I told myself I would call him when life settled down and I had more time to talk with him... Saturday it slipped my mind as I was in my classroom finishing up things for the school year and then I worked on the turnpike... Sunday I returned to my classroom and didn't think about it until later in the day on Sunday when another friend emailed me and asked if I had heard that Todd's mother in law had died... WHAT?!! Oh my god... I felt so bad... soooo bad... what an ass I am to not have stopped the little, minute things in my life to call him back. I called him last night, and his son answered the phone... asking who I was and then proceeded to tell me his Gramie died and that his mom and dad were at a meeting... out of the mouths of babes... so I didn't get a chance to talk with Todd... I called this afternoon and after briefly talking with Todd he asked if I wanted to talk to his wife... and I did... I apologized for her loss, told her how sad I was for her and her sister and her dad... and I did not do it gracefully... I cried and she cried... and I told her that I was sorry that I was upset, that she should not have had to have gone through it... Her mom had battled Crohn's disease for a long time...and in November developed an infection that led to leukemia... had been in and out of the hospital with treatments and then decided enough was enough and wanted to go home. About 48 hours after being home, she died. She died with her husband and daughters and sons in laws with her... I hate, HATE that Todd's wife has been inducted into the club... HATE it... and I hate that I am not at a point where I can offer any kind of comfort to someone about losing their mother... it brought a lot back to the forefront of my mind... remembering losing mom, that process... and leaving my dad... yuck... I should have done better...

End of the year...

School is ending next week... well actually I should clarify that... the school in which I work starts summer vacation next week... for me school will continue with the completion of my summer graduate class on the horizon and will continue with my internship work... but, I feel like I will get to have a break soon... and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This year has been a difficult one for me professionally. My job involves difficult kids, usually more difficult parents, and paperwork...lots of paperwork. I HATE the paperwork... and to add to it I get frustrated at times with the way in which two of my supervisors operate and being my passive aggressive self, use a passive aggressive strategy to try to rebel against them. I delay my paperwork, which really only end up hurting me because it reflects poorly on my professionalism, but I do it anyway... I did not become a teacher to do paperwork... I became a teacher to help kids. And, with the demands of paperwork I have a choice, bring the paperwork home every day and stay up late doing it or give up time in my classroom teaching kids while having someone else cover my classroom. I have a really hard time giving up time with my students to do paperwork.. a really hard time. As a special ed teacher I have heard about people in my profession getting burned out... and now, more than ever I understand that.

Part of my passive aggressiveness this year also stems from being in meetings and feeling that the administrators at the meeting are not acting in the best interest of the kids... for whatever reasons, political or financial... and it really upsets me. Some of my colleagues have been put in awkward situations by being told or strongly encouraged to avoid saying things about students... because it may make the district look bad. Yet... it is putting people in situations, asking them to be unethical. Another aspect that has been growing is that we have these outside consultants, professionals if you will, who are hired to work in the district to help solve all of our problems... or, I say cynically, to keep kids who need alternate placements in our school to save our district money. These 'consultants' come to meetings and offer their professional opinions about the students and how to change/improve their behavior. The problem, and it's a HUGE problem, is that these consultants, in most cases, have NEVER even met the kid, NEVER even seen the kid... and based on paper in a file, they offer their expert opinions... which is bad enough, but the way in which they deliver their expertise is dismissive of all the work that the teachers do with the kid. These people do NOT work with these kids on a daily basis... their suggestions are things that have been tried and haven't worked, or haven't been tried because, knowing the kid it won't work... It is so frustrating... sooooo frustrating.

I have always prided myself in my ability to work with kids and to advocate for kids... and my instincts about kids are usually right on target. And to be treated like I have made no effort with kids, that my colleagues who work as hard as I do, have not done enough for kids... is such a slap in the face... when we know, KNOW, that the kids for whom these consultants are called upon need MORE than what the school can provide.... these kids are in need of mental health treatment... I have 2 kids in mind with whom I am directly involved and two other kids with whom my colleagues work. The feeling of helplessness is not something I handle well. ... interesting.... just realized that maybe my feelings about that stem from that... helplessness... that word...that feeling... makes me remember how I felt with my mom... and it makes me so angry. So angry.

I always told myself that when I got to a point where I felt like I wasn't able to help kids in the way I thought I should/could... I would leave...without being told to do so... and I think I am getting close to that point. Not leaving education... but...the classroom... Mt. St. Paperwork...

The good part about getting to this point is that I am more committed than ever, to move on, beyond my classroom, to take on a leadership role in education as a building administrator... where the optimist in me says I can make a difference, for kids and for teachers which in turn helps more kids...

ahhh... so.. I have to make it through next week... have to finish my summer class... and then focus on my future goals... and do it.... If I was allowed to have a margarita right now... you can bet your ass I would be raising my glass and saying CHEERS to that!

On another note... I went for a short bike ride tonight with Suellen... about 3 miles... and felt pretty good. We did some small hills and I do think I am in better shape than I was a year ago. Yahoo!

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