My Mountain Adventure...

My northern Maine adventure began Friday morning. After spending Thursday with Rico in Boston, I got home and packed my final items and hit the sack. I intended on leaving here by 8 a.m... but my actual departure time, after making a few pit stops, was about 9:45 a.m. (I let myself sleep in a little!)

It was a beautiful day for a drive. The sky was blue and the clouds were gorgeous! Actually they were distracting if you want to know the truth! I kept looking up and eventually got out my camera and randomly shot some pictures of the clouds, not knowing how they would come out. On my travels I have a few spots that I stop at regularly to help break up the trip. On Friday I wanted to get there as fast as I could so I only stopped once, at a rest area along I-95. I stretched my legs and got back on the highway.

In my rear view mirror I saw a green VW wagon and thought to myself, gee...that looks like my friend Kelly's car... and quickly dismissed my thought because I knew Kelly's family had a camp on the coast, but assumed she would have taken a different route to get there... but then the car began gaining on me... and passed me... with three waving hands and smiles! It was Kelly and her kids. We chatted by cell phone after that... Too funny!

The further north I got the more relaxed I felt. ahhh...it felt nice. The sky kept changing, the clouds taking on different shapes. I saw a lobster claw at one point, a woman's face at another, and all kinds of monsters. At some points the clouds looked a little like rain clouds and I wondered if it would be cloudy when I reached the mountain. It is a place where the weather changes a lot throughout the day... often times in the morning I wear a sweatshirt and then eventually change into shorts and a tank top... only to wear a winter jacket in the evenings as we sit by the fire.

As I drive I have certain landmarks that I use to let me know how close I am to my final destination. Along the highway there is a place where there are a lot of birch trees in the median and I know I am close to my hometown... but when I passed it on Friday, I knew I had a ways to go, because I was heading further north...I was on the highway for about 190 miles. When I got off the highway I anxiously looked for my first glimpse of the mountain... and was happy that it was clear enough to see it! After getting off the highway I drive through a couple of small mill towns. It was bitter sweet to go through them. The mill has been shut down and that really takes a toll on the communities up there. Despite their struggle, the towns were decorated with American flags in anticipation of the Fourth of July. Those small towns are still untouched by some things and there is a beauty in that...

After leaving the small towns, I head into territories... yup... territories. In northern Maine there are still pieces of land that are considered territories. I have to drive on a road called the State Road... not sure you could find that on a map, but it's what everyone there calls it. Then I go onto the Golden Road.. a road made by logging companies to transport the wood to the mills. That road is rough, lots of bumps and potholes! This is a truck I encountered... notice there is not a lot of room to pass this guy... and they go fast!

So I got to the campground and Dad was already there. His girlfriend, Betty, was unable to come up until Saturday... which I guess worked out kind of well... it allowed me to selfishly get a couple of solo kayak trips up the river. I got more solo trips after she arrived too, but I was wondering how that would play out. I was looking forward to seeing her, but I also wanted some things to be the same...about being up there, if that makes sense. I arrived at the campground and got hugs from our summer family members... love to see everyone. It wasn't long before the river called... And I answered!

My first paddle up the river was very nice.. I saw FOUR small bull moose... On my way up the river I had seen two of them, not too far from each other, on the same side of the river. The third one was further up, on the opposite side, and the fourth was way above the rest... After watching the fourth for a while I drifted down the river. .. and the two moose that were in the same area were still close to each other. (The picture of the two moose.)

I positioned myself to watch the two moose and was giving them some distance when I heard something behind me... the third moose had crossed the river and had somehow gone under my radar... so I was between THREE BULL MOOSE!

As much time as I have spent kayaking with moose, or around moose, I admit I was nervous. Being in between three bulls was unnerving. It is not rutting season, thankfully... so they bulls are not too territorial and do not fight... they were pretty calm, but I moved to a vantage point where I would not be in between them. I was so happy to have seen so much on my first paddle.

Friday night we sat around the campfire and to my surprise the sunset was not as impressive as they usually are up there... in fact while I was up there the sunsets were not as awesome as they usually are... I didn't even take many pictures..

The next morning I got up and headed up the river around 7 a.m. I had intentions of going earlier, but decided sleep was more important. It was a beautiful morning. The clouds were passing by the mountain and the sun was shining. I like this picture of the mountain because you can see the texture of the mountain.

I paddled along and went into all of the little inlets that go off from the river. I went into Baxter Bay, named because it is a small pond/cove that has a great view of the mountain which is part of Baxter State Park in Maine.

As I was paddling around, looking at everything I also keep an eye on the water, or in the water... and thought I saw a rock, but then the rock moved and I realized I almost paddled over a big snapping turtle. It was good sized... hard to see in this picture, but kind of cool that I could see it.

The rivers in northern Maine have a rich history of logging. For years harvested trees were floated down the river, it was easier to get the logs to the mills. There are still logs in the water and along the shore, like this one, that have the cables from way back when... This spring the water levels on the river were really high and there was a lot of erosion. I noticed more roots exposed than ever and found something else too.

This chain was hanging from the riverbank. And since I had not seen it before, I had to explore it. The links are large, probably three and a half to four inches across the widest part and heavy, very heavy... I pulled on the chain, thinking it would come off and one end came up out of the river, but the other end was deeply embedded into the ground. I am sure that chain was there from many years ago... Dad thought perhaps ht was used to block off Baxter Bay to keep the logs in the main part of the river... which is a good possibility.

As I paddled into another area, The Outback, I saw these pine cones... almost navy blue/black in color. They were pretty unique compared to what I am used to seeing. While in there I was in very shallow water... so shallow that paddling involved pushing on the bottom... and as I was there taking pictures, I heard something in the woods... something big... branches were cracking and then I got snorted at... I could not see the animal, but I am pretty sure it was the big bull moose I encountered later in the day. He snorted at me and stomped his feet then I heard him running through the woods. I quickly left that area, realizing that if that moose had chosen to run towards me instead of away, my escape would have been difficult because the water was so shallow...

Not that something like that stops me... I returned to that same spot throughout the weekend... I also was accompanied by lots of dragonflies. This one landed on my foot and explored all of my toes before settling on that spot for a while. They are such interesting bugs.

As I paddled I kept my eye to the sky... the river has a few eagles that have been living along it for the past few years. Last year I got some pictures of a couple of eagles before they got their adult coloring... which takes up to four years I believe... So these guys could be the ones that I watched last summer. This series of pictures were not taken in order, and it was two different eagles, but I thought that this order made sense.

When I spotted one of the eagles in the tree I parked my kayak on the opposite shore, backing into a place where I knew the current would not push me along.. and kept my camera pointed at it, knowing it would eventually take off... and it did!

I was very happy with this shot, although when I got it printed off, it is not as crisp as I would like... but I still like it a lot. Not sure if you can see it or not, but there is a silver/gray band on the left foot of that eagle. I need to do some research about that. knowing that they have obviously been marked for some reason.

They are such a big bird... and magnificent in their flight. They are so quiet as they soar and they go so high in the sky. Beautiful bird.

There were lots of daisies around... and I love seeing them. There were so many of them along the Golden Road... Mom loved daisies... so I tried to take a picture that showed the detail... this one is pretty good. Earlier in the day one of our camping pals, Betty (not Dad's girlfriend, but another Betty, now known as Betty 1... of Betty 1 and Betty 2!) ... or maybe it was Dawn... hmmm... Somehow she had told me about a butterfly that Betty 1 and Dawn had seen the summer after Mom died.

They told me that the butterfly was unique because it was black and white and neither of them had seen one before. They decided it was my mom in some form... and said that they would see it once in a while throughout the summer, but had not seen once since... ironically later that day, what began flying around my head but this butterfly... that looks black and white when it flies, but now, with the pictures I can see it is brown and orange and white...

Betty 2, Dad's girlfriend arrived around 1:00 on Saturday... it was good to see her. To be honest, I was not sure how I would fee about her being at Abol. I WANTED to be happy about her being there, WANTED it to feel... 'normal'...(my favorite word)... but was a little unsure how it would play out. It was nice to have her there. I think the key in all of this is to really know that the way to feel okay about things is to not compare how things are now to how they were... which those who know me, knows is difficult... but... having Betty 2 at the campground which really has been sacred to me all these years... because of the closeness Mom and I shared there... was different, naturally. She is a good person. She has grown close with Dad and I am happy to see that.

Seeing Dad introduce her to people, people I have known... who have known our family... known my Dad as my Mom's husband and vice versa... as his friend... was cute. People are happy for Dad and have noticed a positive difference in him. Before Betty arrived I had asked Dad if she had ever been up close and personal with moose... and she hadn't...

We all spent the afternoon together, had lunch and chatted...and by evening the river was calling again... and I invited Betty to paddle up the river with me....and she accepted. I know she kayaks at her house, she lives on a lake... but I wasn't sure if she wanted to kayak with me to get time with me, to try to fit into the activities we do up there, or if she felt obligated... wondered if she wanted to stay with Dad at the campground... but as we paddled up the river all of that wondering and thinking disappeared... talking with her was easy, conversation came naturally. I really like that she not only accepts that we tell stories about Mom and have memories of her there that are so strong they cannot be ignored... but that she seems to enjoiy hearing them. She knew my mom... to what extent I am not sure... but she knew her well enough to know of her kind heart, contagious laughter and sense of humor...

Betty got the chance to see two moose, two of the bulls I had seen the night before. I am not overly impressed with this picture, but post it to show the difference between this moose and the next... their coats... this guy has not finished shedding his winter coat... appearing more brown. The other guy has shedded his winter coat and appears black. Betty was a little nervous being so close to a moose, but I think she also really enjoyed it.

I hope that she falls in love with being up there... She and Dad are still in the beginning stages of things... and this is their first summer... I know that early on in relationships people do things, go places that they may not truly enjoiy because the other person does...

I hope this is a place where Betty can find peace and serenity too... and hope that she and Dad spend more time there. Selfishly, I cannot imagine visiting Dad in the summers without going to the Mountain... This is a good picture of Betty with the moose... she was probably 30 feet from it... Moose don't usually have that expression, but I caught him just before he shook his head to get the water off... cute!

Sunday morning I got up again to go kayaking... (solo as nobody else was awake!) As I headed up the river I could see a good size bull in the water, much bigger than I had seen the previous days.. As I got closer he began heading out of the water... a man in a canoe had gotten a little too close I think... By the time I arrived I managed to get a couple of shots, but hoped that I would see him again... and I did...

The ferns waved to ma all weekend as I paddled up the river... As many of you know, my mom loved ferns... .loved their shape and colors... so I think of her often when I see and admire them.

As I paddled I also saw three nests. This one was well protected in this tree. I did not see any babies... hoping that they have already taken flight!

Later on Sunday, I had just finished taking my 5o cent shower (6 minutes for 50 cents!) when some of our camping friends invited me to see a whippoorwill and her nest. They had come seen her and her nest when they were in the woods collecting firewood on Saturday. They saw the nest when they spotted the eggs... whippoorwills are nocturnal birds and their call is loud, and if right outside your camper or tent can keep you awake. They start calling around 9:00, you can almost set your watch by it. Ironically, Saturday night one called really loudly as we all sat around the campfire. Someone shined a flashlight in the direction from which its call had come, and we saw the bird. It was the first time I had seen one. So...back to Sunday...

Believe it or not this is NOT a log or a piece of bark on the forest floor. it is a bird, a whippoorwill... look closely, really closely... it is facing towards the camera, eyes looking more parallel with the ground..It is very difficult to see. When they told me that was her, I took the picture, not thinking I was looking at the right thing... but not long after that, she took off, leaving below her two balls of fluff... her two babies...

They were so light and fluffy that upon her take off the wind from her wings made them roll on the ground.

I admit, these little guys have that face only a mother could love. They remind me a little of moles... the way their eyes look... I wonder if that's because these guys are nocturnal and moles live in the dark... We kept our distance, knowing that the mother would abandon them if we changed their scent in any way. The people who found them had done some research; apparently within 20 days these little puffs will be adults, completely on their own... imagine how much they have to learn in such a short time!

The clouds around the mountain were cool this weekend.. not sure why I was so obsessed with clouds, but they were so interesting this trip...

As I was leaving for an afternoon paddle Dad was fly fishing. I was in my kayak and looked at his pole that was bent right over and decided to go back to shore and got out of my kayak. I am glad I was there for this show!

For years, Dad has been talking about the Big One, the fish that lives in this river... named Walter... well Dad caught Walter!

This salmon, hook mouthed I think is what my Dad called him... was about 23 inches long! In order to keep it, to eat they have to be 17 inches on this river.... Dad let him go... catch and release! I am glad I got some pictures for him... maybe he will hang a picture of him and the fish over the mantle instead of the actual fish!

More clouds... And this wild Iris... it was very pretty against the greens in the grasses.

This is a close up of the cables pictured on the tree trunk above.. I liked the texture and the contrast that the rust makes...

This branch was a bit of a conundrum for me. When I saw this color along the shore, I thought one of the white water rafting companies had lost a paddle and I was going to take it back to the campground, but.. it was a branch. Strange, but pretty...

As I paddled along the river, it began sprinkling... which is not a big deal. I stayed out on the river and it rained a little harder. Since there were no signs of thunder I stayed on the river. I knew I wouldn't melt!

It is so peaceful on the river. I love the sounds... the songs of the birds... the river's current going over rocks... the smell of the trees and plants... and the smell of the rain.. I bet my blood pressure is significantly lower up there... And my arms got a good workout, for sure!

As I came back down the river this beaver was playing in the water in front of me. It was a small beaver, and it did not slap its tail at me.

Later that night, the fog began moving in on the river... and it was lightly sprinkling. From the campground my dad spotted the big bull moose I had seen earlier in the day. He was in the river feeding again... and I had to jump in my kayak... an opportunity to take a picture of a moose in the fog was something I could not pass up. It was very cool... very very cool. I have always had a lot of respect for moose.. they are this mystical creature in many ways... how such a huge animal can step into the woods and disappear is amazing. I sat out there for a long time with him... taking a lot of pictures. At one point he and I heard something in the woods and a small, very small deer stepped out from the woods. The moose was very alert and snorted once at the deer... but the deer was not bothered or intimidated. This is a picture of how close they got to each other. Then the deer went back into the woods. That was the only deer I saw this weekend.

The pictures of the moose in the mist are my very favorite pictures of the weekend. The mist behind the moose looked blue in the dusk and I love it! By the time I took these pictures it was pouring, POURING... I was holding a plastic baggie above my camera so that it would not get wet. I really feel lucky to have had this experience... a spiritual moment for sure.

The next morning, Monday, I went out on the river again. I just can't get enough! I saw this nest and this family of ducks. I also saw one small female moose, but she took off so fast that I only got one picture of her and it isn't a great picture... but I was happy to see her. As I was watching her, I heard a loon calling... and in my head I said, I have that picture of the loon on its nest, I don't really need to worry about getting other loon pictures, but... when I saw it in the water, decided to paddle to see if it would stay above water long enough for some photo opps... and it did..

It stayed above water within feet of my kayak for at least five minutes... and then as I decided I had bothered it enough and stopped paddling to allow the river to pull me away from the loon, the loon changed course and swam within inches of the front of my kayak... so cool!

So on my way back down the river, my final time for this trip... I looked into Baxter Bay... and the mountain was covered by the clouds... As the morning progressed the sun burned off most of the clouds, and I was able to get this shot of the mountain from standing on shore at the campground.

After lunch I left the campground... it was easier to leave this year than it was last year... but still hard... and drove south... I stopped in to see my grandmother and one of my aunts... I am very glad I got to see them. Then as I continued driving south, the clouds once again distracted me...

A beautiful weekend indeed....

Rico in Beantown!

Last Thursday I had the opportunity to spend some time with Rico! Rico's job brought him to Boston and since that is a reasonable distance to me here in Maine, we decided to meet up and spend the afternoon together. We had a lot of fun.

The last time we had seen each other was about a month or so before Mom died when he had come to visit. It was nice to see him Thursday on a much happier note.

I took the bus to Boston to meet him. (Easier than driving and probably saved some gas money!) After meeting at the airport we took the T (the Boston subway/train system) into the city. Our mission was to find an Irish bar and have lunch and beverages. Mission accomplished! We then walked around the waterfront and ended up in the North End where we went to another bar.

Rico is a very important person to me. We have the kind of friendship that requires little maintenance in that we don't talk often, don't email a ton, but we are there for each other...similar in many ways... I really appreciate it. He has always offered me perspectives that make me see things differently and usually are very helpful.... although he did refer to me as a princess on this trip... relating to how I order and my likes/dislikes when it comes to food... I happen to be sensitive to certain textures...and I like things the way I like them... what's wrong with that?

It was GREAT to sit, talk, laugh, and enjoy my time with someone I care about. Thanks to Rico for a fun adventure! I hope your job brings you back to Beantown soon!

Fifteen two, fifteen four, and a crazy lady makes 6?

This post may be a bit scattered.. there are all kinds of things in my head including:

- Camping

-nephews

-grandmother

-Rico

-Jill

-kayaking

-dentist

-blog

So let's see what happens... ready?

I was talking on the phone the other day with my sister... and my nephews were in the background... my oldest nephew was trying to teach his brothers how to play cribbage... my dad and I taught him last summer and for Christmas I had given him a cribbage board and a deck of cards.. Oh how I love those boys...

I am sad to say that this summer I will most likely not be having my usual time with them this summer. With gas prices the way they are, driving 5 hours one way is tough... especially trying to make sure they each get one on one time with me... plus I am in the process of looking for jobs and while there are very few positions open right now, more could open, and I feel like I really need to make that a priority right now... and while I feel selfish doing that... I gotta look long term... and it would be impossible to do an interview if I had the boys... so... we'll see what happens. I remember time with my aunts... and my favorite times were when I felt like they saw something in me that was special, unique... and I try to make the boys feel that way... they are amazing people. My middle nephew had been growing out his hair.. for the last two years I think... because at his school, in the final days of the school year, there is a large assembly where students get their hair cut, in front of the entire school, and donate it to locks of love... and my middle nephew took on that challenge.. the longer hair suited him in some ways... and many people mistook him for a girl... it happened last summer when he was here with me and he shrugged it off, saying he knew who he was so it didn't matter if other people didn't know he was a boy... I love that about him...

I love that the boys were playing cribbage... I have so many happy memories of playing games in my family.. board games and card games... I think I learned a lot through those games... and playing them togther, gave us time... something I cherish...

I am trying to plan my weekend of camping... I am heading north... and along the way or on the way back, I want to see my grandmother and my aunt... I would also love to see my other aunt and my uncle, but they are not going ot be home... my grandmother was recently hospitalized... for a heart 'episode'... suspecting a mild heart attack... she has had something similar in the past... she is amazing.. 93 years old... and lives on her own... with the help of my aunts. I adore her.

I am exicted that I am going to see Rico this week! He will be in Boston for his job and we are going to spend the afternoon together. I am a little stressed about it, just because I have to get things done to get ready to go camping, but I think I can get that all done tomorrow... so by Thursday I will be relaxed and will be able to have fun seeing Rico! Then in a couple of weeks I will get to see Jill! YAY! It has been about two years since I last saw her, how crazy is that? time flies. (Jill please notice I mentioned your name THREE times... I know your ego will be pleased!)

In the meantime I have been finding time to kayak... yup.. went yesterday and today. It really is something I love. I would go tomorrow if I get everything done. I would love to see if the mother loon I saw recently has hatched her eggs... but... I may not get up there... but maybe I will... hmmmm... forgot I wanted to see if the loon babies have hatched... anyway... see how distracted I am?

So... I have decided that I need to keep this blog here... where it is... under its current name... (this may change of course...) My reasoning is that I have recently been contacted by a few other pvns sufferers who have come across my blog. I feel that I put this out there for me, but also because I was so frustrated by the lack of info about pvns... and my blog comes up in the search engine and if people can find it and take any comfort, then I think that is important. I have made some great connections with folks who have found me here...(hi Michael!) I am thankful for those connections... and want to keep going here... yes I know I could keep this one posted and start a new one.. and maybe I will... but... we'll see...

What else was I thinking about.. oh yeah.. the dentist..

I hate the dentist... okay, so not the dentist necessarily... I hate going to the dentist... the sounds, the smells... I hate it... as a kid we went to a dental clinic and the dentist there was the husband of my kindergarten teacher... and he was probably very kind.. but.. he looked like a mad scientist... I don't remember him being a bad guy, but over the years I developed some anxiety... and have neglected my teeth... until now... I chipped a tooth over the weekend... and was lucky to get into the dentist this morning... and will return tomorrow (was supposed to be in late July, but lucky me they had a cancellation!) for my new patient appointment... I am not sure how that will go... but... time will tell... I am sure there is a lot of work to be done. the dentist is a nice man... One of my friends recommended him. He is gentle... very gentle... as he injected the novicaine today he told me to take a deep breath so that it would not hurt as badly... and I did... after a few minutes he said... oh, you can exhale now... phew... I was pleasantly surprised that I did not feel judged while I was there, for my lack of recent dental care... At the end of the procedure to fix my tooth (involved removing an old filling and getting a new one)... I unclenched my fists... and my arm muscles were sore... I think I was clenching my hands tightly the entire time.. So... tomorrow I will be once again, in the dentist's chair... I hate the dentist.. did I mention that?

Well... I think that's it for now... at least for what is in the forefront of my mind... it may be a while before another post.. but know I am headed for my mountain... my moose... and can't wait!

Time to Let Go?

Good news.. good news!!! Actually GREAT news... I went to Boston today for my appointment with my PVNS guru/superhero...

I was supposed to be there for xrays at 10:30 and my appt. with the doctor was scheduled for 11:30... I got to the hospital in Boston around 9:00... (Yes I am chronically early....always...) After leaving my truck with valet parking I went down to radiology to see if I could get into get my xrays early... after checking in I realized I had forgotten my MRI discs in the truck... UGH! So I had to go back to valet parking and they brought my truck back up, long enough for me to get my disc and then took it back... (The valet parking at Brigham & Women's is cheaper than the park it yourself garage!)

I returned to radiology and had my xrays around 9:45. I then headed over to register at the ortho. department.. and they told me that my insurance referral was 'pending'... this did not make me happy because my doctor's office had assured me back in May or maybe even April, that it was all set... so after registering I called my doctor's office (I love my doctor!) and she told me she had the paperwork in front of her and it was approved... phew... so that is something I can battle another day... or have her office battle it for me... yeah that's a better idea... I got to my doctor's office around 10:15 or so... and to my surprise, he was running ahead of schedule. So by 11:00 I was in an exam room with a very young, eager med student... from Haaaaahhvaaahhd... (Harvard)

He was nervous... definitely needs some work on his bedside manner... He asked me how long it had been since the doctor had done my hip... Hip? Yo, Kid... look at the chart... I said, ummm it wasn't my hip... he was very embarassed and then said, oh yeah... your knee... I said, yes, I had surgery four years ago for PVNS.. (Yep... FOUR years... wow!) ... he said he needed to go ask the doctor a question and when he returned he said he had been asked to talk with me about how I had been doing since I had last seen the doctor. I told him I had walked two half marathons and the poor little guy about fell off his stool... I think he misjudged me... he then asked to see my knee and I rolled up my jeans and he was impressed with the scar on the back of my leg. He then did some little exam to see if it was moving properly and to test my strength.. then left...

Next came my superhero, my PVNS guru! What a pleasant man he is... and I still enjoy his Aussie accent. He asked me if I would be okay with a couple of his 'fellows' could look at my scars because they had never seen a real pvns patient... Whenever I go down I expect that, to be on display a bit, because it is so rare... then my doctor said that the knee looks great... the xrays show that the structure of things looks good and the MRI also looks good. I questioned him about the earlier mentioned appearance of pvns nodules... and he said that it seems to be scar tissue that has gotten a little bigger since the last mri... I like that answer a lot better. I asked him if there were any signs of recurrance and he told me that the best sign is that I have no fluid on my knee... I suppose that means that my body is not trying to fight anything in that area... So... He said I was all set... And I said, "All set? What does that mean?" He said. "Well... do you want to come back to see me?" I said, "You are the guru, what should I do?" He said we could do an MRI next year to make sure that things are okay, and I could either come to Boston for him to give me the results or I can send him the MRI and he can let me know the results over the phone or via email...which sounded good to me... And then I asked what would be the next thing after that... and he said... nothing... unless you have any problems in the future... It took me a minute to process that... "So... I don't have to come back? Ever?" I said. "Nope, unless you want to or unless you have problems," he replied... I then told him that I like that idea, but that I worry about it coming back... he told me that whilc I have been dealing with pvns in my life for the last 6 years or so (the first couple years was when I was undiagnosed and miserable!) that he has been dealing with it for over 20 years... and told me that I should let him do the worrying...

Really? I can let go of this? Forever? Wow... So then I said, "So you think it will come back, rear its ugly head again?" (See... already not taking doctor's advice to not worry....) And he said... "It's been four years... and if it comes back, it will not be for a very long time..."

We shook hands... I thanked him for everything... and I left his office... for what could be the last time... I sat down in a seating area close by and just took a few minutes to process it... and yes, I shed a few tears of relief... I was really worked up about this appointment... a couple of my friends have asked me why I expected bad news... and my only answer is that life seems pretty good... and that scares me... I need practice at living life when things are good... I need to somehow get comfortable with that...

After a few deep breaths and wiping away my tears of relief... I sent some texts and emails to let people know the good news... and quickly paid for parking... just as I was heading outside my phone rang... a MA number... and I did not recognize it... so I let it go to voicemail...fearing that it was my doctor's office telling me they read the wrong MRI and I needed to come back... but it was a friend from college who I stopped to see on my way home...

So I left the hospital... and as I drove home I thought about that drive four years ago... leaving with those incisions and hope for a brighter future... a painless future... and as I drove today I thought about how happy this news made me... and how much love and support I had during and following my surgery... I am lucky.

I had dinner tonight with one of my friends who was there through much of my recovery, Suellen. She was elated to hear the news tonight and after the initial run down of the news we talked about many other things... and before we left the restaurant she said, before we leave, I really just want to take a minute to really just recognize the good news about your knee... (Smile.) I told her that I think some people think my anxiety this week has been overly dramatic... and she told me that had people seen how much pain I was in before surgery, how insane the incisions were, how hard the recovery was, and how hard I have worked to be mobile again... they would never question my anxiety about the idea of pvns coming back...ahhh validation.

So... I need to let go... somehow... and not tell myself that my knee will be okay for a while...until my next appointment... and tell myelf my knee is okay. Period.

Maybe it is time to end this blog... and start another... because after all.. I can no longer say "I HAVE PVNS..." I can now say I HAD pvns... If I start another blog I will of course, let y'all know.. but in the meantime... this blog will remain active...

(Sigh of relief here!)

What a difference a day ...could make...

24 hours from now I should be either finished with my doctor's appointment... in my doctor's appointment... or still sitting in the waiting room before my appointment... I am ready... as ready as I can be... I have cleaned out my truck... taken all my school stuff out that I brought home for the summer... made sure my cup holders are available for the bottles of water I will drink... I do still need to go and fill up with gas... and one of my friends and I are going to go get pedicures and then go out to dinner...

So... tomorrow... I will know... if PVNS is creeping back... or not.... In my head I worry about it being back... and then I say to myself, what if it is? What is the worst case scenario? Well... having to have another major surgery... but... because I haven't really had any syptoms other than a few pains here and there .. which I have also had in my other knee... so... even if it is back and even if surgery is needed... I don't think it would be soon... and maybe it wouldn't be the same major surgery I had before... maybe if it is back... it just means that I need to be monitored more closely... instead of every couple of years... maybe I head back to Beantown in 6 months or a year....

Or... Maybe... maybe it's not back at all... (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!)

A little more to the story...

The mountain is calling me... My whole being needs to get up there... to be away from everything... After having a hard time sleeping last night I have been thinking today.. about what kept me awake.. and as I posted earlier... I am scared about Friday, going to the doctor to see what is in store for my knee... I am scared... scared that PVNS could be back.. and if it is... scared of it consuming my life again... that's terrifying... in many ways things in my life have settled down and there have been things to celebrate even... and I do believe good things are on the horizon.. no calls for interviews yet.. but I am hopeful... but this is when I get nervous... when things are going well... nervous that the universe is once again scheming... and I have fear that the rug will be pulled out from underneath me... the last time I put fear aside and dove in... was with Matt... and we all know how well that turned out... I had the same fear with him, even told him that fear... and he assured me nothing would come out of the blue... anyway... so PVNS is rearing its ugly head.. and maybe it's not growing back... but... maybe it is... Friday in general will be a day of anxiety... getting up early, having to drive into Boston... I hate driving in Boston... and the drive there gives me time to think.... overthink... and think some more... after my appointment I am going to meet up with a friend of mine from college... who recently lost her dad to cancer... we haven't seen each other in 14 years... we are 'friends' on facebook and she reached out to me to ask me how to say good bye to her dying father... thinking that I may have words of wisdom... I look forward to reconnecting with her, but it is awkward that the connection will have been initiated by us both being in the 'I lost a parent to cancer' club...

And then there's the house thing... which is kind of hitting me hard tonight... my dad is selling his house... the house where we moved when I was in seventh grade... I am happy for him, to be putting that chapter behind him, but it is still hard... he has cleaned it all out... it's empty apparently... and it is hard for me to picture it that way... that house has a lot of memories... good and not so good... my father has even more memories than I have there... there is a lot of death there... my great grandfather, whom I never knew, was killed while he was sitting on the porch... so the story goes... a drunk driver had fallen asleep at the wheel, drove off the road, and right onto the porch... my grandfather had a heart attack there and while the ambulance had come to take him, he had died before he left the house... my great grandmother had come to live there after she had gotten sick and she died, of old age and heart failure... and of course my mom...

Dad was part of the last three deaths... in the middle of the night he went to that house (from the house we used to live in just down the road)... to help get my grandfather into the ambulance and to carry my great grandmother's frail body in an effort to get her to the hospital... and was at mom's side the whole way... I lived in two houses growing up... the one that was down the street and this one... from seventh grade on... this is the house that I associate most with the word home... but it is also the house I associate with losing my mother... since Mom died there... it has been incredibly hard to be in that house... I don't know how Dad has done it for the last two years... When I drive up there and pull in the driveway my heart rate increases, my stomach gets queasy... and when I walk in I immediately look to the corner where the hospital bed was... where my mom list her battle with cancer... and even thought he furniture had been rearranged... the image was clear in my mind... that house... the stone fireplace my grandfather built that kept us so warm... where I could look at my dad and look at the fireplace and could usually convince him that his little girl was cold and he would start a fire.... I remember my grandmother's chair that used to be there... a real old fashioned recliner, that in order to recline required that you get up and move the metal bar from one notch to another to change where it was supported... the floor where I used to use my grandparents' dog, Mandy, as a pillow... where I had my first crushes... those boys names are still painted on the plywood under the carpet in my old bedroom... where my sister and I shared a room for a brief time... where my water bed spring a leak in the middle of the night and because I was somewhere between awake and asleep I thought I had wet the bed... It's where Mom opened her first craft shop...where I tried to do something nice for my dad by mowing the lawn and when he came home, he smiled and told me it would come out better if the blade on the mower was actually engaged... where Dad put a couple of trash cans on the lawn so I could practice parallel parking before my driver's test... where my grandmother used to park her school bus that my sister and I used to play in...where graduation pictures were always taken in front of the lilac tree...and the rhododendron grew so tall...where on bad days I would walk into the yard with my notebook and sit under the poplar trees and write about things that I was upset about or wondered about... where I began writing as a way to process things without burdening other people... where under my grandmother's carport a robin built it's nest in the clematis plant every wpring....where my mother's step-brother let Mom know as she was dying that he wanted the house... classy, right?... where I medicated my mother with morphine to keep her restful and calm and hopefully pain free... where I watched my father say good bye to his beloved wife... where life as I knew it changed forever...

Mom and Dad had planned on selling the house... to move into something smaller... they had planned that for a long time, even before my Mom's mom had gotten sick.... it was something that was always in the works... until Mom got sick... I remember when Mom was really sick... and she looked around the house one day and apologized... she told me that I would resent her when I was cleaning out the house... well Mom, I didn't really do anything...Dad has done it all... the amount of effort it has taken him is something none of us will really know because he's putterer... and I am sure there have been tough tough moments for him... He told me today on the phone, that Friday was a hard day for him... that makes sense to me...

One of my friends, who had lost her mom a couple years before Mom died... told me that grief is like waves... sometimes those waves are small and other times they knock you over... I think that's one of the best analogies... putting the house up and selling it (fingers crossed) is a pretty large wave... and it brings much of the sediment to the surface... things that I thought had settled resurface...

I know it is what needs to be done. I know it is what is right. I know it is what is best. And yes the house is important to us... but we all know it is symbolic... seling the house is a sign of something bigger... somethingmore final... and it's hard...

So the mountain is calling... because up there... my heartrate decreases... I breathe easier... my soul finds peace... where my head and my heart seem to align... I can't wait to get up there... soon... very soon...

Dad.. from afar, this is a hard journey... I cannot imagine what it has been like for you... going through EVERYTHING... pictures, boxes, tools, notebooks, trophies... all of those memories... all of that pain... You are so strong... I think that you doing this... emptying the house, cleaning it... getting it ready to sell... is one more way you have taken care of things for our family... for mom... Thank you. I love you.

Friday

I worked a lot over the weekend... a six hour shift on Saturday and eight hours yesterday... yesterday's shift ended at 10 p.m. and I was still wide awake at 1 a.m. ... I couldn't sleep... and couldn't really find a reason for it...

But... I think I am starting to get worked up about Friday... Boston bound... to find out about my knee... and the newest MRI... which I was told shows some pvns nodules...

My knee FEELS good... it has been a little stiff here and there, but so has my other knee... so I am trying to not get too freaked out... but... I don't think it's working very well...

What did it mean?

Today I worked the tolls... it isn't often I have people come through my lane who I knw from my hometown... but today that is just what happened... A vehicle pulled up and I took the person's money as I looked up and it hit me... that I knew that person.. I said to her, "I know you, you are from my hometown." She looked at me, a bit puzzled.. and then I said her name, Connie... Then she said.. oh yes.. you are that girl from the mill... yup.. I worked with her at the papermill where I spent my college summers. The first summer I was there I worked with her and her crew most of the time. She took me under her wing, showing me the ropes and also making sure I knew which guys at the mill were good guys versus those who I should be wary of... She is such a sweet heart.

The second summer I worked there was a very difficult summer... I have shared some of it here before... it was a summer that made me question God more than I had in my life up to that point. The first night I worked at the mill that second summer, a man left in the middle of his shift because he was not feeling well and dropped dead in the parking lot on his way to his car... a 28 year old newlywed/coworker was killed in one of the paper machines while I was working... when driving around town in the middle of the night, my friends and I came upon a woman in the local cemetery who was covered with blood, having tried to kill herself...... and then there was Connie. I learned, not long after having returned to work there, that Connie was sick... she was described by her doctors as 'being right full of cancer,' and her diagnosis was terminal.

I remember being upset at the time, thinking about her and knowing that she was going to suffer... of course at that point in my life my knowledge was hypothetical... She was hospitalized and was told there was nothing doctors could do for her... then, some time later, maybe a year or two, the doctors, surprised that she was still alive, conducted more tests and the cancer was gone. GONE. There was no sign of it on any of the tests... Crazy, right? Maybe some people would say that maybe she never had cancer... maybe... but the scans showed images of cancer... and cancer or not... her body was filled with stuff that should not have been there... and it just disappeared...

I have not heard anything about Connie since my years at the mill, but she was a person whose personality, so warm, so caring, really impacted me. I remember she had been married to a man who was her polar opposite, a complete and total... jerk.. in every sense of the word. When I knew her, she was in the process of leaving/divorcing him and I remember being in awe of her strength because she was quite a bit older than I was and people in her generation didn't often get divorced... but I was glad she was standing up for herself.

Today when I saw her, looking so fabulous, alive, healthy... it really hit me... When I gave her change back to her, we kind of held onto each other's hand for a moment. I just looked at her... and this huge wave of emotion came over me as we said our good byes and she drove away... I think it was relief.. that she was alive... alive and doing well... she had been down here attending a graduation of one of her grandchildren... not only did she survive... she is living... and that made me so incredibly happy.

Then of course, being me... I thought about that meeting.... what are the chances that she would come through my lane, on a day I was working, when I was not on a break... when she could have chosen another lane? Why did our paths cross like that? And believe it or not, it didn't take me long to just let that go, not try to figure it out, and just be pleased that it happened...

Good Weekend

Ahhh... As I sit in my living room knowing there are only two weeks of school left for my students I am excited. I have a lot to do, but I am excited. I have been cleaning out my classroom, really cleaning and packin gup things that belong to me, that I bought, and will bring them home in case I have a new job for next year. (Fingers crossed!) This weekend I should have probably done some things around my house and in my classroom, but I didn't.

Because it was too windy to kayak on Friday, a few coworkers and I opted, instead to have some cool adult beverages, which was fun. It was nice to 'yak' with each other outside of school. That night, Suellen and I walked into the park in our town. They were having a festival of sorts, to celebrate the town. There was some live music and lots of interesting people to see. I did run into some family friends who spend time during the summer camping up at the mountain, the same place Dad camps. It was nice to see them.

Saturday I worked around my house a little in the morning, getting some laundry done, etc. And then worked the tolls in the afternoon. This is a squirrel that lives near the exit where I was working. The 'regulars' feed it by hand, and have seen her nursing her babies. So... She came to the door while I Was on break and wanted some food, so I gave her this pretzel! Crazy Squirrel! I then met up with an out of town friend... to watch the Bruins. He and I have not watched hockey together in a long time. It was nice, even though the team I was cheering for lost and he was happy about it. When he and I first met we spent time watching hockey... and while I was somewhat a hockey fan before him, more so college hockey, watching the games with him taught me a lot about the game and have become much more of a hockey fan. He's a good guy... I was not sure if I would see him again... but I am glad we got to hang out.

Today... you guessed it, kayaking! It was a great day for it. I have a friend who has been wanting to try kayaking and today was that day. She, along with two of my coworkers, and I went kayaking. We went to a river where I have been once before, but we decided to explore an off-shoot of the river and it just kept going and going and going. It felt like we were in a bayou or something, and I half expected to see alligators or crocodiles poke their heads up through the murky water.

We could have kept paddling, but the woman who had never kayaked before was a little tired and we decided to head back.

We saw two families of Canada Geese, one with two babies, and one with seven! AND..I caught a turtle! Bare handed! I snuck up on him from behind... and just as he was about to plunge into the water, I pushed down on his shell a little pinning him, then picked him up. His little legs were flailing like crazy.. I am sure he was a little scared, but he calmed down and I let him go after taking a few pictures.

Here's hoping!!!

I submitted a job application today... I would love to interview for this position...

Think positive thoughts for me!

(Fingers Crossed!)